Welcome back to me to the blogging world! I quit writing this blog for several reasons, but life situations have happened to me in which I need an outlet. Blogging and writing have always been a great outlet for me, so here I am.
Here's the biggest change. I moved across the country. I currently reside in Washington state, and have been now for 4 days. In my 4 days, I have actually rented an apartment for the first time ever, gotten renter's insurance, and visited Ikea twice. I feel very adult.
One may be asking why I decided to make the trek across the country. Me, a uHaul, and my two cats driving for five days straight, staying in Motel 6s, and eating lots of fast food. Well, that's a good story. The short answer for anyone that asks is that I got a great job. And I really did. It's a job that aligns with my career goals, seems supportive of me, and has free coffee. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, and a substantial pay raise. Perfection. But not quite.
When I started the job search months ago, I had a very different goal in mind. Yes, I wanted to have a better job in a better environment. But I also had someone in the Pacific Northwest that I wanted to be close to. We both wanted that. And then things went bad. We eventually ended things before I accepted the job, so that's not the reason at all why I am out here. That's not the purpose of this post though. Just some context for y'all.
So I got the job. I don't have anyone I want to be close to here anymore. And I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew for this job that may or may not be amazing. To a place that I may or may not grow to love. Away from people that I have grown so close to, and from people that I call family. But here's the thing. Everything I am doing, I need to reframe in my mind. I need to reframe why I moved out here. I need to reframe what my activities are going to be. I need to reframe my social life. All while healing from a broken heart and having constant triggers of this person I am trying to get over.
I guess I need some accountability. I have never had a broken heart quite like this before. I am generally a thinker- I can rationalize myself out of or into anything. But when my heart and all these feelings are involved, I don't know how to deal with it all. And rational thought is failing me for this situation. So I am making a pledge to myself to work on myself and grow to love myself and everything I have in life.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Looking to where I am now, I have lost a lot. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to have. I don't have the strong sense of self that I used to have. I want to gain that back. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy being me. I know I can do that. So here's what I want to do.
I pledge to start self-love again. I am going to take myself out on dates. As an extreme introvert, I HATE going places by myself. I hate walking into movies or restaurants, or even a business by myself, because I am afraid of what will happen. But guess what? I'm writing this from a coffee shop that I walked into all by myself. And I'm surviving! This is my first self-date. I figure these self-dates will be helpful in several ways. First of all, it'll allow me to explore my area. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I am going to love Washington. Hiking, beaches, camping, coffee, museums, there is SO MUCH to do here! I can't wait to explore it all. It's everything I love, in close distance. I can't wait.
Self-dates will also help me to get out of my comfort zone. I guarantee you that all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and cry my heart out, but I'm not going to do that. That's not going to solve anything. I am allowing myself to cry. I am allowing myself to feel sad sometimes, and to feel lonely sometimes. But I am also allowing myself to get up and do something about it. I want to find happiness in the small things in my life, and this is a way of doing that.
Additionally, self-dates are going to help me feel confident and productive. As an example, in my first self-date to the BlueBeard Coffee Shop (recommended by Autostraddle), I have changed my address on all my accounts, purchased renter's insurance, registered my cats (who knew I had to do that?) and paid off my car. I have also figured out where all the queer people are in this so called "Gayest City in America." Being productive helps me feel better about myself, thus boosting my confidence. See, it's a great cycle!
If you want to take this journey with me, I would love it. If you don't, no worries. You don't have to read these, but I hope that my blogging will help me actually complete these self-dates, and help me from getting too down on myself. Mistakes will happen. But hopefully I will slowly start to build my self-confidence again, and I'll start to become the person I know I am. That's what life is all about, right? Self discovery and becoming a better, stronger person all the time.
My goal is to write up each self-date here, along with any revelations or setbacks I have. I need to be completely honest with myself to continue my growth, so here it is. Welcome to my world.
PS: The cats are doing fine, in case you are wondering. As a cat lady, I can't not write about them too! Our new apartment has a large patio with glass sliding doors, along with a great window sill for them to sit on and watch the world outside. They love it, and while there is not a ton of running space, I think we'll be just fine!
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