I went roller skating! Ok, so the purpose was twofold. I am going to start practicing with the local derby team tomorrow, so I wanted to see what the floor was like at the rink they practice at. It's grippy. I don't have hard enough wheels. So now taking donations for wheels with a 95 hardness :)
The other purpose was to get out of the apartment, and commit to my self dates. It was good. I have to admit, I was so nervous walking into that place alone. And then I get there, and there are world champion speed skaters zooming around on the floor. Good. But I skated. I got a hang of the floor, and it felt so good. There's something about my skates that make me feel amazing. I also had the urge to hip-check a few children, so I think I'm ready for contact.
But here's the thing I wanted to talk about. I had a lot of time today to reflect, and I have been reflecting on my grandma. A little bit of background: I grew up right next door to my grandparents. My grandma was my main babysitter, and basically raised me throughout my life. My grandma didn't have a mean bone in her body. She never judged anyone. She worked hard to make life better for other people. She was the most selfless, caring, loving, and amazing person I have ever met. If anyone were to ask me the person that has had the biggest influence on me in my life, it would be my grandma. No hesitations. My grandma was the only one in my family that has ever said she's proud of me. She always supported me and thought I was amazing, no matter what. Her hugs were my favorite feeling in the world.
Grandma passed away in November after a really short battle with ovarian cancer. Of course she never took care of herself, and the cancer was too far gone when we found it. Chemo didn't work. I flew to Minnesota and took grandma to her second round of chemo, and I keep replaying that day in my mind. We were sitting there, her hooked up to an IV and her chemo treatment, and me sitting next to her drinking hot chocolate. Every single person that stopped by and said hi or asked if she was ok, she introduced me to them. And with this huge smile on her face, she would say "this is my granddaughter from New York. She plays roller derby." And everyone acted like they were interested, and we had a short conversation, and then they left. Grandma was so proud of me. That day, she told me about how she ran away to Chicago after she graduated high school, and how she thinks of me as a version of herself. We were the wild women that left the family to go and make our own adventures.
In that conversation, grandma also said a few times, "please come home." At the time, I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't go home. I can still hear those words in my head, and hear the urgency in her voice. It breaks my heart to think that my grandma wanted me closer, and I didn't do anything about it.
My grandma was always the person who lifted me up and made me think that things will be alright. It doesn't matter if she knew what was going on in my life, but she could always read in my voice if I needed a kind word, or some encouragement. She always made me feel loved, cared for, and supported. No matter what.
I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. As I struggle with my mental health and I struggle with my emotional well being and all the transitions in my life, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my grandma. I obviously can't. I don't know how to get through my life without her. I don't know how to be confident in myself without her. I don't know how to keep moving forward without her. I just want her to tell me it's alright.
So this is my challenge. I need to mourn my grandma properly. I need to still have her in my life, but in a different way. And be ok with that. I need to find confidence within myself, and not from an external source. The last words my grandma said to me was "always remember that I love you very much." And I do, I will always remember that.
I miss her. More than I can write. I know time heals, and I know that it'll get easier once things get better. But right now, I just need to remember that I know my grandma is proud of me. I know she would be happy that I am continuing the "wild women" adventures. I love you grandma. I promise to do you proud.
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