Relationships are all about trust. You trust that the other person is telling you the truth. You trust that they are opening themselves up to you. You trust that they are doing what they say they are doing, and that they are feeling what they say they are feeling. You trust them with your deepest secrets. You trust them to carry your heart, and you trust them that they aren't going to hurt you.
But trust gets lost sometimes. And sometimes, it's hard to regain. In my last relationship, I did some very uncharacteristic of me. I jumped in, all in. I didn't separate the emotional from the logical. For some reason, it was an automatic, no questions asked, I adore this person, and I am going to give this person my heart. And it was great for a while. In my previous relationships, I was the logical thinker. I was the one that didn't turn on my emotions, and rationalized everything, and even was able to rationalize myself out of those relationships. And then I moved on quickly, because I don't dwell on my emotions for long periods of time.
But this one was very different. My emotions were in control. I don't know why. I still can't rationalize why my brain was shut out of the decision making process. It felt good. It felt like real love. It felt that we had the whole world.
And then it happened. I got a text message. A text, while I was at work, stating that they cheated. At least they had the honesty to tell me. But the dumb thing about the situation is that I HELD ON. I was told it didn't mean anything. I was told I was the only one, I was told it would never happen again. And I trusted. We had built up such a great relationship, my heart couldn't let go. Mind you, my brain had told me from the start that something wasn't connecting, but obviously I couldn't listen because my heart was speaking louder.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter why I held on. But I did. And for four months after the admittance of cheating, we stayed in this partnership that never was happy. After I finally ended it and stopped all communication, I was finally able to start healing. And here's where I am now.
I'm not mad. My brain has started to chime in again, and with that, I have been able to rationalize why the cheating happened. It's not right, I'm not trying to justify that. But what I can justify is that my ex was immature. My ex needed instant gratification, and was a very inwards person. With that, the guilt of cheating wouldn't let her move on. Even now, I think there's this desperate need for me to forgive her so that she can feel better about her actions. But that's not my problem. My focus right now is on healing. I feel like I lost myself a bit in this relationship. I lost the rational part of myself, the part that I have grown to love and trust. So I'm focusing on regaining myself, and regaining that trust for myself.
When your partner cheats on you, it makes you look like a total fool. Cheating is plan and simple, a selfish act. It's an act that does not allow that person to think about their other. It is an act that doesn't allow that person to think about the future, or the consequences, until it's too late. For the person that got cheated on, it's a sign that things weren't going well for one person. I truly and honestly believe that if someone is truly in love with another person, and that couple has promised monogamy, there is no need for temptation. Any temptation or thought of another person wouldn't be taken seriously, because if you are truly happy with what you have, that person would always be your thought and priority. So when I was cheated on, I felt defeated. I felt like my relationship was a lie. I still feel, to an extent, that my relationship was based on a lie. Because the other person wasn't being honest with me. Obviously there was something that made her want that temptation.
So here I am, left to look like a fool. What makes cheating even worse is when after you break up, your partner goes off and is happy with the person they cheated on you with. Again, the whole concept of "it didn't mean anything" obviously wasn't true. And there's another example of my trust being betrayed. I feel like a complete fool for not ending things sooner, and for trusting things could get better. And to make matters worse, we run in the same circle. We are going to run into each other. I can't keep avoiding her to continue to focus on myself. So I have to figure out what I want to do.
Do I start to build a friendship with this person who treated me badly? How do you build up that trust again? Can I build up that trust again? Do I want to trust someone that has proven so deeply that they cannot be trusted? Can people change?
Hurt can take a really long time to heal. Finding confidence in yourself again can take a really long time. I don't have the answers, and I certainly haven't healed fully. I don't believe in an eye for an eye, so I don't want to cause any hurt or pain. But I do want to make things as easy as possible in the future. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the part where I feel much better, my mental health is stable, and I have a great support system near me. But maybe part of growing and becoming better people is having to go through this journey and learn from it.
Here's my big takeaways from this relationship. Listen to yourself. Listen to your red flags. Truth be told, I am an awesome catch (I'm not just saying that to toot my own horn). If there is someone that isn't giving me what I deserve, I need to acknowledge that and be confident in myself to ask for that. And be ok with not allowing people into my life that don't give me what I deserve, friendship or romantic partnership.
So my promise to myself is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am going to be fine, I am going to be happy, and I am going to heal and be much better. I am going to gain confidence and stand up for myself, and I am going to acknowledge that not everyone that pursues me in a romantic sense is good for me. And if they are not deserving of what I have to offer, I don't need them in my life.
Maybe someday I'll be writing a blog thanking my ex for cheating on me. But until then, I will continue to work on my healing, and I will continue to celebrate myself and keep learning to love myself. And know that trust is a fickle thing, and to tread carefully.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Roller Derby as a women's sport
As you may know, I started playing with a new derby league when I moved out West. For the most part, I have truly enjoyed the experience. But there's something that's really bothering me.
All of the coaches and trainers in this league have been calling the skaters "ladies." I don't like being described as a "lady." I don't like the word at all. This is not to negate anyone that does like the word - I have a very dear friend who loves calling herself a lady, and I think that's great. But that's not who I am.
To me, there's a connotation to the word lady that is innately degrading. To me, a "lady" is someone that is weak, someone that isn't able to do equal tasks or work to other people, and is a domesticated, "safe" person. Society has shown that ladies are dainty, they don't do anything wrong, and they are treated with safety gloves. I personally do not identify as a lady, and I think that overall, when someone calls you a lady, it's a degrading concept.
To add to that, one of the teams has a male coach, who continually called the skaters "ladies." I just feel that this makes it that much worse, for several reasons. First of all, this coach didn't skate. He immediately separated himself from the skaters and himself, and stood in the middle with his street clothes on. Now, I know that's what technically a coach should do; but I think there are some different power dynamics that come into play when a male-identified individual comes out, separating himself from all the other people out there, and tells the skaters what to do. All while calling the skaters "ladies." So not only was he not identifying himself as a part of the group, but then to make the gap larger, he identified the skaters as "ladies," and himself as "not a lady."
I have had male coaches before. In my first league, there were several male-identified skaters that were voted as coaches. I think the difference from that league to this experience is that with my first league, the coaches were skaters. They identified themselves with the group they were training, and did the drills with them. They were on skates, they made themselves vulnerable just like the other skaters, and minimized that power differential. Additionally, I don't believe the term "ladies" was used from a coach. This might be because there were male-identified skaters in those practices most of the time, but it wasn't as might of a power differential in my first league.
Add to that the concept that roller derby is supposed to be an inclusive, safe environment for all people. Roller derby is one of the first sports that has allowed gender non-conforming or trans folks to participate and compete, which is a source of pride for the community. So by using the term "lady," it's negating the concept that all people should be comfortable here.
If you are reading this, and if you are involved in a community, whether it be roller derby or otherwise, be conscious of your word choice. It makes a difference. Instead of using the word "lady," let's use the word "folks." Or my favorite in roller derby, "skaters." We are not all ladies; we are not all defined by this word. Let's work on making this a more inclusive world by understanding that sometimes our words oppress others, and doing something about it.
All of the coaches and trainers in this league have been calling the skaters "ladies." I don't like being described as a "lady." I don't like the word at all. This is not to negate anyone that does like the word - I have a very dear friend who loves calling herself a lady, and I think that's great. But that's not who I am.
To me, there's a connotation to the word lady that is innately degrading. To me, a "lady" is someone that is weak, someone that isn't able to do equal tasks or work to other people, and is a domesticated, "safe" person. Society has shown that ladies are dainty, they don't do anything wrong, and they are treated with safety gloves. I personally do not identify as a lady, and I think that overall, when someone calls you a lady, it's a degrading concept.
To add to that, one of the teams has a male coach, who continually called the skaters "ladies." I just feel that this makes it that much worse, for several reasons. First of all, this coach didn't skate. He immediately separated himself from the skaters and himself, and stood in the middle with his street clothes on. Now, I know that's what technically a coach should do; but I think there are some different power dynamics that come into play when a male-identified individual comes out, separating himself from all the other people out there, and tells the skaters what to do. All while calling the skaters "ladies." So not only was he not identifying himself as a part of the group, but then to make the gap larger, he identified the skaters as "ladies," and himself as "not a lady."
I have had male coaches before. In my first league, there were several male-identified skaters that were voted as coaches. I think the difference from that league to this experience is that with my first league, the coaches were skaters. They identified themselves with the group they were training, and did the drills with them. They were on skates, they made themselves vulnerable just like the other skaters, and minimized that power differential. Additionally, I don't believe the term "ladies" was used from a coach. This might be because there were male-identified skaters in those practices most of the time, but it wasn't as might of a power differential in my first league.
Add to that the concept that roller derby is supposed to be an inclusive, safe environment for all people. Roller derby is one of the first sports that has allowed gender non-conforming or trans folks to participate and compete, which is a source of pride for the community. So by using the term "lady," it's negating the concept that all people should be comfortable here.
If you are reading this, and if you are involved in a community, whether it be roller derby or otherwise, be conscious of your word choice. It makes a difference. Instead of using the word "lady," let's use the word "folks." Or my favorite in roller derby, "skaters." We are not all ladies; we are not all defined by this word. Let's work on making this a more inclusive world by understanding that sometimes our words oppress others, and doing something about it.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Skating and Thinking
I had my first self-date today! Granted, it was a pretty safe one, but I did something by myself, and had a great time.
I went roller skating! Ok, so the purpose was twofold. I am going to start practicing with the local derby team tomorrow, so I wanted to see what the floor was like at the rink they practice at. It's grippy. I don't have hard enough wheels. So now taking donations for wheels with a 95 hardness :)
The other purpose was to get out of the apartment, and commit to my self dates. It was good. I have to admit, I was so nervous walking into that place alone. And then I get there, and there are world champion speed skaters zooming around on the floor. Good. But I skated. I got a hang of the floor, and it felt so good. There's something about my skates that make me feel amazing. I also had the urge to hip-check a few children, so I think I'm ready for contact.
But here's the thing I wanted to talk about. I had a lot of time today to reflect, and I have been reflecting on my grandma. A little bit of background: I grew up right next door to my grandparents. My grandma was my main babysitter, and basically raised me throughout my life. My grandma didn't have a mean bone in her body. She never judged anyone. She worked hard to make life better for other people. She was the most selfless, caring, loving, and amazing person I have ever met. If anyone were to ask me the person that has had the biggest influence on me in my life, it would be my grandma. No hesitations. My grandma was the only one in my family that has ever said she's proud of me. She always supported me and thought I was amazing, no matter what. Her hugs were my favorite feeling in the world.
Grandma passed away in November after a really short battle with ovarian cancer. Of course she never took care of herself, and the cancer was too far gone when we found it. Chemo didn't work. I flew to Minnesota and took grandma to her second round of chemo, and I keep replaying that day in my mind. We were sitting there, her hooked up to an IV and her chemo treatment, and me sitting next to her drinking hot chocolate. Every single person that stopped by and said hi or asked if she was ok, she introduced me to them. And with this huge smile on her face, she would say "this is my granddaughter from New York. She plays roller derby." And everyone acted like they were interested, and we had a short conversation, and then they left. Grandma was so proud of me. That day, she told me about how she ran away to Chicago after she graduated high school, and how she thinks of me as a version of herself. We were the wild women that left the family to go and make our own adventures.
In that conversation, grandma also said a few times, "please come home." At the time, I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't go home. I can still hear those words in my head, and hear the urgency in her voice. It breaks my heart to think that my grandma wanted me closer, and I didn't do anything about it.
My grandma was always the person who lifted me up and made me think that things will be alright. It doesn't matter if she knew what was going on in my life, but she could always read in my voice if I needed a kind word, or some encouragement. She always made me feel loved, cared for, and supported. No matter what.
I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. As I struggle with my mental health and I struggle with my emotional well being and all the transitions in my life, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my grandma. I obviously can't. I don't know how to get through my life without her. I don't know how to be confident in myself without her. I don't know how to keep moving forward without her. I just want her to tell me it's alright.
So this is my challenge. I need to mourn my grandma properly. I need to still have her in my life, but in a different way. And be ok with that. I need to find confidence within myself, and not from an external source. The last words my grandma said to me was "always remember that I love you very much." And I do, I will always remember that.
I miss her. More than I can write. I know time heals, and I know that it'll get easier once things get better. But right now, I just need to remember that I know my grandma is proud of me. I know she would be happy that I am continuing the "wild women" adventures. I love you grandma. I promise to do you proud.
I went roller skating! Ok, so the purpose was twofold. I am going to start practicing with the local derby team tomorrow, so I wanted to see what the floor was like at the rink they practice at. It's grippy. I don't have hard enough wheels. So now taking donations for wheels with a 95 hardness :)
The other purpose was to get out of the apartment, and commit to my self dates. It was good. I have to admit, I was so nervous walking into that place alone. And then I get there, and there are world champion speed skaters zooming around on the floor. Good. But I skated. I got a hang of the floor, and it felt so good. There's something about my skates that make me feel amazing. I also had the urge to hip-check a few children, so I think I'm ready for contact.
But here's the thing I wanted to talk about. I had a lot of time today to reflect, and I have been reflecting on my grandma. A little bit of background: I grew up right next door to my grandparents. My grandma was my main babysitter, and basically raised me throughout my life. My grandma didn't have a mean bone in her body. She never judged anyone. She worked hard to make life better for other people. She was the most selfless, caring, loving, and amazing person I have ever met. If anyone were to ask me the person that has had the biggest influence on me in my life, it would be my grandma. No hesitations. My grandma was the only one in my family that has ever said she's proud of me. She always supported me and thought I was amazing, no matter what. Her hugs were my favorite feeling in the world.
Grandma passed away in November after a really short battle with ovarian cancer. Of course she never took care of herself, and the cancer was too far gone when we found it. Chemo didn't work. I flew to Minnesota and took grandma to her second round of chemo, and I keep replaying that day in my mind. We were sitting there, her hooked up to an IV and her chemo treatment, and me sitting next to her drinking hot chocolate. Every single person that stopped by and said hi or asked if she was ok, she introduced me to them. And with this huge smile on her face, she would say "this is my granddaughter from New York. She plays roller derby." And everyone acted like they were interested, and we had a short conversation, and then they left. Grandma was so proud of me. That day, she told me about how she ran away to Chicago after she graduated high school, and how she thinks of me as a version of herself. We were the wild women that left the family to go and make our own adventures.
In that conversation, grandma also said a few times, "please come home." At the time, I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't go home. I can still hear those words in my head, and hear the urgency in her voice. It breaks my heart to think that my grandma wanted me closer, and I didn't do anything about it.
My grandma was always the person who lifted me up and made me think that things will be alright. It doesn't matter if she knew what was going on in my life, but she could always read in my voice if I needed a kind word, or some encouragement. She always made me feel loved, cared for, and supported. No matter what.
I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. As I struggle with my mental health and I struggle with my emotional well being and all the transitions in my life, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my grandma. I obviously can't. I don't know how to get through my life without her. I don't know how to be confident in myself without her. I don't know how to keep moving forward without her. I just want her to tell me it's alright.
So this is my challenge. I need to mourn my grandma properly. I need to still have her in my life, but in a different way. And be ok with that. I need to find confidence within myself, and not from an external source. The last words my grandma said to me was "always remember that I love you very much." And I do, I will always remember that.
I miss her. More than I can write. I know time heals, and I know that it'll get easier once things get better. But right now, I just need to remember that I know my grandma is proud of me. I know she would be happy that I am continuing the "wild women" adventures. I love you grandma. I promise to do you proud.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Welcome Back and New Changes!
Welcome back to me to the blogging world! I quit writing this blog for several reasons, but life situations have happened to me in which I need an outlet. Blogging and writing have always been a great outlet for me, so here I am.
Here's the biggest change. I moved across the country. I currently reside in Washington state, and have been now for 4 days. In my 4 days, I have actually rented an apartment for the first time ever, gotten renter's insurance, and visited Ikea twice. I feel very adult.
One may be asking why I decided to make the trek across the country. Me, a uHaul, and my two cats driving for five days straight, staying in Motel 6s, and eating lots of fast food. Well, that's a good story. The short answer for anyone that asks is that I got a great job. And I really did. It's a job that aligns with my career goals, seems supportive of me, and has free coffee. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, and a substantial pay raise. Perfection. But not quite.
When I started the job search months ago, I had a very different goal in mind. Yes, I wanted to have a better job in a better environment. But I also had someone in the Pacific Northwest that I wanted to be close to. We both wanted that. And then things went bad. We eventually ended things before I accepted the job, so that's not the reason at all why I am out here. That's not the purpose of this post though. Just some context for y'all.
So I got the job. I don't have anyone I want to be close to here anymore. And I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew for this job that may or may not be amazing. To a place that I may or may not grow to love. Away from people that I have grown so close to, and from people that I call family. But here's the thing. Everything I am doing, I need to reframe in my mind. I need to reframe why I moved out here. I need to reframe what my activities are going to be. I need to reframe my social life. All while healing from a broken heart and having constant triggers of this person I am trying to get over.
I guess I need some accountability. I have never had a broken heart quite like this before. I am generally a thinker- I can rationalize myself out of or into anything. But when my heart and all these feelings are involved, I don't know how to deal with it all. And rational thought is failing me for this situation. So I am making a pledge to myself to work on myself and grow to love myself and everything I have in life.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Looking to where I am now, I have lost a lot. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to have. I don't have the strong sense of self that I used to have. I want to gain that back. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy being me. I know I can do that. So here's what I want to do.
I pledge to start self-love again. I am going to take myself out on dates. As an extreme introvert, I HATE going places by myself. I hate walking into movies or restaurants, or even a business by myself, because I am afraid of what will happen. But guess what? I'm writing this from a coffee shop that I walked into all by myself. And I'm surviving! This is my first self-date. I figure these self-dates will be helpful in several ways. First of all, it'll allow me to explore my area. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I am going to love Washington. Hiking, beaches, camping, coffee, museums, there is SO MUCH to do here! I can't wait to explore it all. It's everything I love, in close distance. I can't wait.
Self-dates will also help me to get out of my comfort zone. I guarantee you that all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and cry my heart out, but I'm not going to do that. That's not going to solve anything. I am allowing myself to cry. I am allowing myself to feel sad sometimes, and to feel lonely sometimes. But I am also allowing myself to get up and do something about it. I want to find happiness in the small things in my life, and this is a way of doing that.
Additionally, self-dates are going to help me feel confident and productive. As an example, in my first self-date to the BlueBeard Coffee Shop (recommended by Autostraddle), I have changed my address on all my accounts, purchased renter's insurance, registered my cats (who knew I had to do that?) and paid off my car. I have also figured out where all the queer people are in this so called "Gayest City in America." Being productive helps me feel better about myself, thus boosting my confidence. See, it's a great cycle!
If you want to take this journey with me, I would love it. If you don't, no worries. You don't have to read these, but I hope that my blogging will help me actually complete these self-dates, and help me from getting too down on myself. Mistakes will happen. But hopefully I will slowly start to build my self-confidence again, and I'll start to become the person I know I am. That's what life is all about, right? Self discovery and becoming a better, stronger person all the time.
My goal is to write up each self-date here, along with any revelations or setbacks I have. I need to be completely honest with myself to continue my growth, so here it is. Welcome to my world.
PS: The cats are doing fine, in case you are wondering. As a cat lady, I can't not write about them too! Our new apartment has a large patio with glass sliding doors, along with a great window sill for them to sit on and watch the world outside. They love it, and while there is not a ton of running space, I think we'll be just fine!
Here's the biggest change. I moved across the country. I currently reside in Washington state, and have been now for 4 days. In my 4 days, I have actually rented an apartment for the first time ever, gotten renter's insurance, and visited Ikea twice. I feel very adult.
One may be asking why I decided to make the trek across the country. Me, a uHaul, and my two cats driving for five days straight, staying in Motel 6s, and eating lots of fast food. Well, that's a good story. The short answer for anyone that asks is that I got a great job. And I really did. It's a job that aligns with my career goals, seems supportive of me, and has free coffee. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, and a substantial pay raise. Perfection. But not quite.
When I started the job search months ago, I had a very different goal in mind. Yes, I wanted to have a better job in a better environment. But I also had someone in the Pacific Northwest that I wanted to be close to. We both wanted that. And then things went bad. We eventually ended things before I accepted the job, so that's not the reason at all why I am out here. That's not the purpose of this post though. Just some context for y'all.
So I got the job. I don't have anyone I want to be close to here anymore. And I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew for this job that may or may not be amazing. To a place that I may or may not grow to love. Away from people that I have grown so close to, and from people that I call family. But here's the thing. Everything I am doing, I need to reframe in my mind. I need to reframe why I moved out here. I need to reframe what my activities are going to be. I need to reframe my social life. All while healing from a broken heart and having constant triggers of this person I am trying to get over.
I guess I need some accountability. I have never had a broken heart quite like this before. I am generally a thinker- I can rationalize myself out of or into anything. But when my heart and all these feelings are involved, I don't know how to deal with it all. And rational thought is failing me for this situation. So I am making a pledge to myself to work on myself and grow to love myself and everything I have in life.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Looking to where I am now, I have lost a lot. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to have. I don't have the strong sense of self that I used to have. I want to gain that back. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy being me. I know I can do that. So here's what I want to do.
I pledge to start self-love again. I am going to take myself out on dates. As an extreme introvert, I HATE going places by myself. I hate walking into movies or restaurants, or even a business by myself, because I am afraid of what will happen. But guess what? I'm writing this from a coffee shop that I walked into all by myself. And I'm surviving! This is my first self-date. I figure these self-dates will be helpful in several ways. First of all, it'll allow me to explore my area. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I am going to love Washington. Hiking, beaches, camping, coffee, museums, there is SO MUCH to do here! I can't wait to explore it all. It's everything I love, in close distance. I can't wait.
Self-dates will also help me to get out of my comfort zone. I guarantee you that all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and cry my heart out, but I'm not going to do that. That's not going to solve anything. I am allowing myself to cry. I am allowing myself to feel sad sometimes, and to feel lonely sometimes. But I am also allowing myself to get up and do something about it. I want to find happiness in the small things in my life, and this is a way of doing that.
Additionally, self-dates are going to help me feel confident and productive. As an example, in my first self-date to the BlueBeard Coffee Shop (recommended by Autostraddle), I have changed my address on all my accounts, purchased renter's insurance, registered my cats (who knew I had to do that?) and paid off my car. I have also figured out where all the queer people are in this so called "Gayest City in America." Being productive helps me feel better about myself, thus boosting my confidence. See, it's a great cycle!
If you want to take this journey with me, I would love it. If you don't, no worries. You don't have to read these, but I hope that my blogging will help me actually complete these self-dates, and help me from getting too down on myself. Mistakes will happen. But hopefully I will slowly start to build my self-confidence again, and I'll start to become the person I know I am. That's what life is all about, right? Self discovery and becoming a better, stronger person all the time.
My goal is to write up each self-date here, along with any revelations or setbacks I have. I need to be completely honest with myself to continue my growth, so here it is. Welcome to my world.
PS: The cats are doing fine, in case you are wondering. As a cat lady, I can't not write about them too! Our new apartment has a large patio with glass sliding doors, along with a great window sill for them to sit on and watch the world outside. They love it, and while there is not a ton of running space, I think we'll be just fine!
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