It's not "gay"!

I am not a fan of the way the media spins things and sensationalizes things.  For example, the whole marriage issue and same-sex relationships.  I was reading People magazine (because we get it in the office, and I need to keep up with my celebrity gossip!), and there was an article about this country singer who recently got married to her girlfriend.  I can't tell you the name of the country singer, and I can't tell you the details of the wedding.  All I know is that the headline article was something like "A Country Singer's Gay Wedding." 

That bothers me.  It also bothered me whenever the media would talk about Dick Cheney's daughter when he was in the media.  Yahoo News I remember ran a story once where the headline was "Dick Cheney's gay daughter..."  That bothers me.

Let me first tackle the fact that it's not getting gay married.  It's getting married.  There is no such thing as a gay marriage, unless you consider the word "gay" to mean "happy."  If so, then I hope all marriages are gay marriages.

There is this great comedian by the name of Liz Feldman, and she has this comedy skit about gay marriage.  Basically, she adds the word "gay" to every action she does during the day.  Like she gets up, takes a gay shower, eats a gay breakfast, and goes to her gay work.  It's supposed to illustrate how ridiculous it is that people that marry people of similar sex are considered a different category.  And it does, it's pretty funny.  And she's a pretty funny lady.

Gay Marriage really is just marriage, plain and simple.  Don't break it off into another category.  Don't make it specialized; it doesn't need to be.  Also, the word "gay" isn't necessarily inclusive.  Seriously, if we HAVE to put a title to the action, let's call it similar-sex marriage.  And because that gets annoying to say a lot, people may just drop the "similar sex."  Haha.  Because not everyone that marries someone of similar sex considers themselves "gay."  What about people that consider themselves bisexual?  Or queer?  Or trans?  So the term "gay marriage" isn't even correct.

That being said, what really bothers me is the fact that we have to label marriage in such a way, and it doesn't normalize the action.  Of course people that identify as queer are going to feel ostrasized and out of the norm if we keep using terms like this!  If you are called the "gay daughter," or if you are getting "gay married," of course you are not going to feel normal.  Or even if you identify as gay or another term that fits under the LGBTQ umbrella, and you hear other people saying "that's so gay" in public, of course you are going to feel subordinate. 

This is wrong!  Until we as a public change our vocabulary and start saying "marriage," or referring to someone as a daughter, instead of using one little adjective, there is always going to be this special category for people, and it is not going to be normalized. 

If I want to go and get married to another person who happens to be a woman, I am not getting gay married.  I am getting a marriage.  A traditional, run of the mill, typical marriage.  There is nothing special about this marriage.  It will have trials and tribulations, and it will be exciting at times.  But there should be nothing to seperate it from other marriages, no matter who the people are or what biological sex the individuals are in it.

My main argument is that media sensationalizes things.  They need the quick headline that grabs attention, and they need juicy things to make people interested.  I get that, but they are also providing a very bad example for us as a society.  If the media prints and says things like this, the general public then will believe that it's fine to talk like that and say things of that nature.  When it's not ok, because it dehumanizes and disrespects a large group of people. 

Let's all just get along, ok?  Let's all just treat each other with respect and work to be inclusive to all.  One of the best ways to do that is to "normalize" (what is normal, right?) your vocabulary.  If you don't need to add an adjective to something, don't.  It's the same thing with race, for one example.  How many times have you heard, or even said yourself, "look at that black person," or something of a similar nature?  Why do you need the adjective?  Why do you need to sensationalize someone, based solely on who they are?  There is no need- I'm pretty sure you can point out a person or understand what a marriage is without having to break it down in a dehumanizing way.

As a society, we all have a responsibility to be inclusive and to respect each other.  You may not agree with same-sex relationships; I'm not asking you to.  I am just asking you to respect people enough so that you don't dehumanize them and place them in a different category than the general population.  I am asking you to work to see the person first, not certain characteristics about them.  I think each and every one of us has this responsibility, and if we as individuals start to change our language, the media will too.  So I challenge you all to do that; change the world.  It's easy enough to do.

And as a crazy cat lady, I feel that my cats could save the world.  Who doesn't want to open their hearts to everything after seeing the cuteness of this:

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

In the second day of the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," I have not had a lot of time to think and reflect.  I do know that DADT was discriminatory; but I also know it was not meant to be that way.  I think it's funny that the military and society have changed an act that was supposed to protect all people in the military into a terrible tool of discrimination.  And then I wonder what else in the world and society has started off with good intentions, only to be screwed up and changed into a terrible tool. 

Maybe DADT will be a great resource for all, to show that people need to really think critically before putting something into place. Or maybe not... history always seems to repeat itself. 

I looked more into DADT when I started trying to understand why something like this would be put into place.  And honestly, it seemed like a logical step to protect queer people in the military, at the time.  You may argue with me on that, but let me explain a bit.

Historically, the military had rules against sodomy (a very sexist, heterosexist thought), but that was the rule at the time.  If you were caught sodomizing, you were immediately discharged.  In addition, being "homosexual" was a psychological disease according to all of the literature and research, and was labeled as such until the late 70s.  When the military started doing psychiatric exams for people looking to join, if you were queer identified, you would have a mental illness, therefore, you weren't able to join the military. 

This way of thinking continued for awhile, where literally people could kick you out for having a "mental illness," or having sex with a person of the similar biological sex.  When Clinton came into office, he created DADT as a way to protect queer people in the military.  If you don't say you are queer, nobody will kick you out.  If you don't ask people, nobody will be found out about, so nobody will get kicked out.  This came after a man was brutally killed by someone he was serving with, just because he was queer.  So in theory, Clinton thought he was bringing something into fruititon that would protect all people by not allowing people to be discriminated against.

But it slowly evolved into something different, a type of discrimination.  Well, it probably didn't happen slowly.  I think it happened pretty instantaneously.  Where people had to hide who they were in the military, because otherwise they wouldn't be able to serve.  It's a scary situation, but one that happens all the time.  I think DADT has some very close parallels to the real world, in that people often feel the need to hide who they really are, in fears of being bullied, being isolated, being ridiculed.

It is still a very brave thing today to "come out."  If you identify as queer, some of the hardest things you will have to do (my opinion) is come out to yourself, and then come out to other people, especially your main stakeholders.  People have been killed for being queer.  People have lost jobs, lost families, lost everything important to them because of who they are.  It takes so much strength to "come out" and be honest about who you are.  And now, you can be honest about who you are if you are in the military.  If you chose to do so.

But I argue that DADT is happening at other places than just the military.  Yes, it's awesome and amazing that this ridiculous policy has been lifted; but when is it going to be lifted in other aspects of the world?  When is it going to be safe to be queer in general society?  When is it ok for me to step out and say "I'm queer," and not be afraid of repercussions? 

People shouldn't have to hide a certain aspect about who they are in order to feel safe.  The world and society should be inclusive so that all people feel comfortable being completely who they are.  Again, this is me being idealistic, but I also feel that to change society, it needs to come from small baby steps from individuals.

Yes, the repeal of DADT is great.  It's a huge step forward in equality for all people.  But we still have a long ways to go.  So I say celebrate now, enjoy the fact that the government has seen how discriminatory something is, but also understand that unless we really change society and work towards a safe space for all people, DADT still exists in some form.  And I don't want it to.

And now a picture of someone that will love you for who you are, honestly and genuinely:

Happy Birthday, Lilith!  My big girl is now 1!

Why I hate the "B" Word

The word "Bitch" is used in popular culture in every aspect of it.  From people calling others that, either in a joking or a mean manner, to the name of a popular (semi?) artist, the word has taken on many different meanings to many different people.  But regardless of the context and useage, I still flinch every time I hear the word.  Let me tell you why.

I think the word "bitch" is incredibly degrading, especially to women.  And until the entire world and every single person is able to reclaim the word to mean something different, it shouldn't be used at all.  I tried to do a bit of reseach for this blog (and by research I mean wikipedia).  Bitch, by it's very definition, is a female dog.  Now, I bet if anyone comes up to anyone and calls them a female dog, people would generally be confused.  In slang terms, "dog" is commonly a negative word put on someone, which is the first negative strike to the word "bitch."

The second negative strike to the word "bitch" would be the fact that it is a female dog.  So because the word "bitch" is negatively connotated, it implicitly shows that females are inferior to males and females are implicitly negative.

So the general origins of the word annoy me and make me sad, especially because there are so many people that loosely swing the word around.  I admit I have on occassion utilized that word as well.  I honestly feel that people don't understand first of all what the word means, and second of all, what the implications of the word means.

I argue that by calling someone a bitch, you are degrading females everywhere.  Because of the way the word has been used in society and popular culture, it's a word that takes on a lot more meaning than what is just at surface level.  It's a word that has been used in the past to call people mean names; but under the surface, it is saying that person is mean or bad because they are a "female dog."  Seriously, why is it so wrong to be a female?

I think it gets even worse than that.  What happens when a male calls a female a bitch in a serious manner?  It is the ultimate form of disrespect and degrading within that word.  Not only are you a female, but you are a low form of an animal as well.  And by women calling other women that word, in a serious or in a joking manner, it only is perpetuating the fact that it is ok for anyone to call anyone else a bitch.  Which I disagree with.

While not the same thing, I think about the feminist movement and it's comparisions to other equality movements.  For example.  There was a time, a long time ago, when the n-word was considered slang and an acceptable form of joking or even a small degradation tool that people didn't confront.  Or the f-word, or even the word "gay," to an extent.  It's the same thing in that the origins of these words mean simplistic things, and society has created an implicit meaning of degradation.  There have been movements to try to get people to think about their choice of words, because these words are degrading and inappropriate.  When is it time for the movement against "bitch?" 

I argue the time is now.  Now is the time that we stop degrading women, and one of the easiest things we can do is watch our language. 

There have been movements in the past for people to reclaim words.  For example, there is a popular musical artist named Bitch, who worked to create equality for women.  There is a feminist magazine called Bitch.  The point of reclaiming words is to empower the word to yourself.  So if I were to reclaim the word bitch, I would be proud to be a strong woman.  And I am, very proud, of being a strong feminist woman.  But here is my issue with reclaiming.  It only works if everyone buys into it.  While I don't think reclaiming a word is out of the question, I also feel that reclaiming a word needs time and a society needs to be ready for education.  That being said, it's not really going to mean much to reclaim the word bitch, and people still use it in a derogatory way. There could be a great element of education in reclaiming a word for the general population. However, the general public also needs to have some sort of awareness before this education can happen. And I feel that the general public isn't ready for that yet.

That being said, I hate the word "bitch." It might be one of my most hated words, because of the implications it has on society and people. I am not sure how well I explain this, but at least I hope it makes someone think that the words they use, while seemingly meaningless, actually are laced with a plethora of meanings and emotions.

And of course, because I was mean again, here is a picture of my cutie cat to lighten the mood:

Gender- beyond the binary

I have been thinking about gender a lot lately.  Nay, that's a lie.  I always think about gender.  It's sort of my "thing."  I actually hate gender with a passion.  There is no point to gender, it doesn't exist, it's basically just society's way of forcing people into boxes. 

But recent events have led me to really think about gender and really get into the perspective of someone who does not fit gender "norms" of society.  And I hate society for creating gender.

Ok, first things first.  There is a difference between sex and gender, right?  Sex is biological, your genitalia, etc.  Gender is the socially constructed exterior portrayal of one's identity.  Also, my personal belief is that there is no such thing as "opposite sex."  There is only "different sex."  Yes, there are biological differences in people that make our bodies different and allow us to procreate, if one chooses.  But I also think biological sex is on a spectrum.  If we say there are only 2 sexes, meaning only male and female, then what happens with individuals that are intersexed?  I am under the belief that a clitoris is a small penis, basically meaning that we are all the same, just with different sizes of genitalia.  But I digress.

This is not a blog about sex... maybe I can discuss my thoughts on that more later.  Right now, I am focusing on gender.  I had never thought about gender much until I took a woman's study class in college.  In reading stories of trans identified individuals, I really began to think of my own gender portrayal and why I dress the way I do.  I wear heels.  I wear skirts.  I have long hair.  I like my boobs.  But why?  Is it because society told me to do so because I was biologically female? 

After a long soul searching discussion with myself, I came to the realization that I like being female.  I am cisgendered, meaning my biological sex and my gender identity match up.  Although I have come into my own now and changed some of my gender portrayal based on my thoughts (I hate long fingernails... I hate painting my fingernails....), I feel lucky to be cisgendered.  And I also feel cheated by my experiences.

Gender causes so many issues.  It's just not fair to have to be placed into one category just because of what you biologically are.  It's sort of the same thing as being stereotyped.  "Oh, you have a penis, you must love cars."  "Oh, you have boobs, let's put on some makeup."  While those examples are extreme, and I acknowledge not everyone feels that way or treats people that way, think about the extent to which gender and gender roles are so engrained in society. 

Example.  Why is there still a glass ceiling that woman can't break through?  Because society has been taught that females are passive and not good bosses.  But what a stereotype.  What about when you or others are just children or babies?  You buy biologically female children barbie dolls.  Look at the advertisements on television about children's toys.  Goodness, there is gender stereotypes all over the place!

Side note- I do appreciate the new television commerical for Lowes.  They show a person with a feminine gender portrayal working at Lowes, helping customers build things.  I think that is very refreshing to see, that women can be successful in the trades.

Gender is so sickening.  What happens if you don't fall into those stereotypical roles?  People can be mean.  People can make you feel "less than."  People can cut you down.  People can stop you from getting jobs, getting a role in an organization, or any other thing.  Just because you can't place someone in a box, it's a frustrating situation for people.

Now, I honestly believe that most people are not inately mean.  I think they are just ignorant, and that's fine, but it's time to get educated.  I think people get confused when they can't place a pronoun to a person.  But why do we need pronouns?  Simple solution- ask people what pronoun they prefer, even if their gender portrayal seems crystal clear.  It will create a more inclusive community and a more comfortable feel.

Who cares of the person you are talking to is male or female?  What difference does it make?  Are you going to treat them any differently?  If your answer is "yes," ask yourself why you would treat people differently. 

It's frustrating to me to place a binary on something that isn't binary.  I know this blog probably is a bunch of ramblings, but I just felt I needed to get something out there.  It pisses me off, quite frankly, to hear so many gendered and binary statements and stereotypes in our culture.  For example:

I HATE the phrase "that takes balls."  Why?  Why the hell do you have to have male anatomy to be brave?  That makes NO sense.  What about "that takes guts," or even "that takes lungs?"  Long story on the lungs thing- but basically these mean that to be brave, you just need to be you.  You don't need to be male.

Or "you throw like a girl."  So that means females are weak and can't play sports well?  No.  So wrong. 

Or even gendered words in society.  I hate the word "panties."  It's underwear.  Not only does the word panties just feel gross on my tongue, it's such a gendered word.  I have never heard anyone tell a biological/gender portayed male that they wear panties.  It is a female word.  So no, it's not an acceptable word in my language.  Everyone can wear underwear. 

Or the popular phrase "That's what she said."  Not only is it a reference to heterosexual sex, but it also uses a feminine pronoun.  Now, I love making those jokes.  But I always say "that's what ze said."  Ze is a gender-neutral pronoun, so anyone, regardless of where they are on the sex or gender spectrum, is able to make that joke.  Again, it's about being inclusive.

Things need to change in society.  I apologize if I sound upset and preachy in this, my second blog post, but I hope you can understand my point and follow along regardless.  I guess I am trying to say that until we go beyond the binary of sex and gender, people are going to continue to be marginalized in society, being forced to fit into a box.  But nobody can fit into every box.  Don't place stereotypes on people that seem to be one way.  Don't assume sex based on gender.  Don't assume gender pronouns, and don't make assumptions about what a person wants.

The world needs to be more inclusive.  And I feel that change needs to come from indivdiual people to make a difference.  So with that, I would urge you to just take a couple of seconds and think about your own assumptions and language as it relates to gender and sex.  As I continue my own journey into social justice and privilege, I urge everyone to be in a journey as well.

And that is my ramblings for the moment.  And now, because I did get pretty pissed off, nobody can get pissed off at a cute cat:

Welcome, and It Gets Better!

Hello!  I was recently told I would be a great blogger, so I decided to challenge that person and see if it were true.  Thus comes the beginning of my blog, the ramblings of a 20 something cat lady.  Yes, I am 20 something.  Yes, I am a cat lady that currently owns 2 cats, but probably will end up with 70 someday.  And I do ramble.  I have a lot to say.  A lot to vent about, and a lot to be cynical about.  So as I go through my life journey, I am going to embark on being honest and open about my life and my thoughts on society.  So here you go. 

I mostly get mad at the media.  Seriously, I blame the media for a lot of the shit that goes on in society.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I am one lovely media whore.  I park myself in front of the television every chance I get, and I am constantly checking Facebook, CNN, Perez Hilton, and so many other websites, just to get the latest gossip.  But because I am such a frequent reader and intaker of media, I feel justified in complaining about it.

I hate with a passion the "It Gets Better" campaign.  I'm sorry.  If this offends you, I apologize.  But let me  explain my point before I become labeled a hater.  First of all, I love the idea of the campaign.  Celebrities, queer and non-queer, coming together to tell people that bullying is wrong.  Bullying is wrong.  And it has gone on long enough for people under the LGBTQ umbrella.  I will probably go on a rant someday about how being queer is not a choice; I will probably also go on a rant about why I like the word queer and not gay.  I will also probably go on a rant about how it's not "gay marriage," it's "same sex marriage."  But this is not the day.  Today I am focused solely on the "It Gets Better" campaign.

I like the concept of the campaign.  I like that it is pushing LGBTQ issues into mainstream media, and it is giving a face to people that have long been subordinated.  I like that people are coming out as LGBTQ and as advocates, and I love the acceptance and support.  I love it all, and I love the concept of the campaign, I truly do.

Here's my problem.  I hate the unspoken, implicit meaning of "it gets better."  Basically, it means "deal with the shit you are going through right now, because in the future, you won't have to deal with this same shit."  So.... deal with bullying and deal with hate speech and deal with feeling "less than" for the time being, and dream of the future when "it gets better."  Now, I know this is not the actual meaning of the campaign.  I know the messages that have come out from this campaign do not say that.

But here's my argument.  I bet about 95% of the American population has heard about the campaign, but only about 60% have actually seen the videos and read the messages.  That leaves a large group of people that only hear "it gets better," and only vaguely understand the concept of the campaign.  And the words "it gets better" come across as sit tight and dream of the future.  I argue that not all of the American population, or the world population, educates themselves enough with the media to actually understand and take the time to get to know the actual meaning of the campaign.  Therefore, it seems like the title and the little clips that are put out there in popular media have a huge responsibility of actually representing what the campaign stands for.

There is my argument.  I don't think the title matches the actual campaign purpose and mission.  Yes, things do get better.  But why wait for it?  Take an active role to actually do something about it and make it better now.  Maybe the real title should have been "make it better," or "Stand together," or something like that.  Because those focus on active current situations, instead of passive waiting for the future. 

Again, I love the concept of the campaign, and it is much needed.  The campaign has done so much. I just wish it had a better title.  But maybe I am too critical and too cynical.  But I also think the media has a huge responsibility, because of all of the media consumers.  Because of that, everything should be scrutinized and thought about critically before being pushed into the mass media and society. 

But those are just my ramblings. 

To end on a positive note, isn't my kitten adorable?