So, I got a new job recently. I up and moved at the end of January, accepted a new position that is a positive career change for me, and currently have been trying to settle into a new routine and a new home with my kitties.
Change is always an interesting thing, and with change comes challenges. Challenges that I haven't faced before, and challenges that knock me on my ass. Literally and figuratively. With the new job and a new home, I also transferred to a new roller derby league. I am not sure if you know this about me, but I basically prioritize my life like this: Work, cats, roller derby. Everything else fits in somehow, but the three things that matter the most to me are the three things I spend the most time at. So these changes basically changed my entire life around.
With these changes, the biggest difference is how out of my element I am at times. I specifically realized this today, as nothing seemed to go my way. I have been in a funk for a few weeks now, and this weekend I made a pledge to myself that I will choose happiness. I will look at the positives of things, and I won't let things get me down.
Well, today my pledge of happiness didn't go to far. It seemed like every time I tried to take a positive step, or every time I tried to do something, I got knocked down. And as I lay here at midnight on a rainy night, I am realizing that my funk will only get worse if I keep at this.
Tonight at roller derby practice, I felt out of my element. I always feel like I am a terrible player when I play with the A team; my new league is a complete challenge in every aspect of the sport. They are faster, more powerful, and more skilled than my previous league. I am not a very good derby player; I play because I love it, and I do push myself, but I understand that I have limitations as a person. Tonight was a mixed scrimmage night with the A team and the B team, and I have to say the opposing team was very heavily A team.
In my new league, everyone jams - again, out of my element. I have never really been a jammer, and I have never really called myself a jammer. My confidence as a jammer is zero, zilch, none. I shake every time someone hands me the star helmet cover. But tonight, I jammed. Against a very skilled team. It wasn't anything new, I had jammed before. But tonight was different.
I got knocked down every 2 seconds in the jam. I am not a skilled jammer, and I struggle to get around people that have more lateral movement than me. I don't react quick enough, so I spent the majority of my time as a jammer on the floor, after taking hit after hit by the opposing team. Needless to say, it was pretty demoralizing and I didn't jam at all after that.
My day outside of derby was a lot like that jam. I constantly felt like the target that kept being pushed down. And even though I vowed to be positive, sometimes you can only take so much. My day was demoralizing, then I went to derby practice, where I failed as well.
But here I am, realizing something. In roller derby, you focus on 2 minutes at a time. Each jam can last 2 minutes, but that's it. Then you get to start all over again, and things could be different. When I went out in the scrimmage after my jammer incident, I was a blocker, and I did a couple of good things. I also did a lot of terrible things, but each jam was something different and I was able to focus on that period of time, not what had happened in the past.
And I realized I need to live my life like that. Live in the moment. Don't focus on what happened in the past, because every day you get an opportunity to be different. Every day is a fresh start, and you just have to see that. What happened today, where I constantly got knocked down, doesn't need to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow could be the best day of my life- how will I know until I get there? Yes, these things I left and feel will still be there. But tomorrow there will be new challenges, new ideas, new thoughts. And who's to say that those challenges and thoughts will be the same? It's all in how I look at it.
If I learn something from being knocked down that I can use for the next jam in roller derby, it might be worth it to suck for 2 minutes. If I had a really shitty day, but the next day can learn from it and move on, let's do it. That's what roller derby, and life, is all about. It's about learning and bettering yourself, and not focusing on the past. It's about being the best you can be, in that moment.
So I vow, from here on out, to live every day like a jam. I get to start fresh tomorrow; what happens today is great, and I need to focus on it and be the best I can be today, but when the day is over, I need to move on. Learn the lessons, take the lessons with me and utilize them in the future, but don't dwell on the negatives. And who cares if I get lead jammer? If I do, that is awesome and I'll count that as a personal accomplishment. But if I don't, at least I got to play.
