Relationships are all about trust. You trust that the other person is telling you the truth. You trust that they are opening themselves up to you. You trust that they are doing what they say they are doing, and that they are feeling what they say they are feeling. You trust them with your deepest secrets. You trust them to carry your heart, and you trust them that they aren't going to hurt you.
But trust gets lost sometimes. And sometimes, it's hard to regain. In my last relationship, I did some very uncharacteristic of me. I jumped in, all in. I didn't separate the emotional from the logical. For some reason, it was an automatic, no questions asked, I adore this person, and I am going to give this person my heart. And it was great for a while. In my previous relationships, I was the logical thinker. I was the one that didn't turn on my emotions, and rationalized everything, and even was able to rationalize myself out of those relationships. And then I moved on quickly, because I don't dwell on my emotions for long periods of time.
But this one was very different. My emotions were in control. I don't know why. I still can't rationalize why my brain was shut out of the decision making process. It felt good. It felt like real love. It felt that we had the whole world.
And then it happened. I got a text message. A text, while I was at work, stating that they cheated. At least they had the honesty to tell me. But the dumb thing about the situation is that I HELD ON. I was told it didn't mean anything. I was told I was the only one, I was told it would never happen again. And I trusted. We had built up such a great relationship, my heart couldn't let go. Mind you, my brain had told me from the start that something wasn't connecting, but obviously I couldn't listen because my heart was speaking louder.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter why I held on. But I did. And for four months after the admittance of cheating, we stayed in this partnership that never was happy. After I finally ended it and stopped all communication, I was finally able to start healing. And here's where I am now.
I'm not mad. My brain has started to chime in again, and with that, I have been able to rationalize why the cheating happened. It's not right, I'm not trying to justify that. But what I can justify is that my ex was immature. My ex needed instant gratification, and was a very inwards person. With that, the guilt of cheating wouldn't let her move on. Even now, I think there's this desperate need for me to forgive her so that she can feel better about her actions. But that's not my problem. My focus right now is on healing. I feel like I lost myself a bit in this relationship. I lost the rational part of myself, the part that I have grown to love and trust. So I'm focusing on regaining myself, and regaining that trust for myself.
When your partner cheats on you, it makes you look like a total fool. Cheating is plan and simple, a selfish act. It's an act that does not allow that person to think about their other. It is an act that doesn't allow that person to think about the future, or the consequences, until it's too late. For the person that got cheated on, it's a sign that things weren't going well for one person. I truly and honestly believe that if someone is truly in love with another person, and that couple has promised monogamy, there is no need for temptation. Any temptation or thought of another person wouldn't be taken seriously, because if you are truly happy with what you have, that person would always be your thought and priority. So when I was cheated on, I felt defeated. I felt like my relationship was a lie. I still feel, to an extent, that my relationship was based on a lie. Because the other person wasn't being honest with me. Obviously there was something that made her want that temptation.
So here I am, left to look like a fool. What makes cheating even worse is when after you break up, your partner goes off and is happy with the person they cheated on you with. Again, the whole concept of "it didn't mean anything" obviously wasn't true. And there's another example of my trust being betrayed. I feel like a complete fool for not ending things sooner, and for trusting things could get better. And to make matters worse, we run in the same circle. We are going to run into each other. I can't keep avoiding her to continue to focus on myself. So I have to figure out what I want to do.
Do I start to build a friendship with this person who treated me badly? How do you build up that trust again? Can I build up that trust again? Do I want to trust someone that has proven so deeply that they cannot be trusted? Can people change?
Hurt can take a really long time to heal. Finding confidence in yourself again can take a really long time. I don't have the answers, and I certainly haven't healed fully. I don't believe in an eye for an eye, so I don't want to cause any hurt or pain. But I do want to make things as easy as possible in the future. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the part where I feel much better, my mental health is stable, and I have a great support system near me. But maybe part of growing and becoming better people is having to go through this journey and learn from it.
Here's my big takeaways from this relationship. Listen to yourself. Listen to your red flags. Truth be told, I am an awesome catch (I'm not just saying that to toot my own horn). If there is someone that isn't giving me what I deserve, I need to acknowledge that and be confident in myself to ask for that. And be ok with not allowing people into my life that don't give me what I deserve, friendship or romantic partnership.
So my promise to myself is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am going to be fine, I am going to be happy, and I am going to heal and be much better. I am going to gain confidence and stand up for myself, and I am going to acknowledge that not everyone that pursues me in a romantic sense is good for me. And if they are not deserving of what I have to offer, I don't need them in my life.
Maybe someday I'll be writing a blog thanking my ex for cheating on me. But until then, I will continue to work on my healing, and I will continue to celebrate myself and keep learning to love myself. And know that trust is a fickle thing, and to tread carefully.
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