The toughest lesson to learn

I know I typically talk about social justice and things that are bothering me about society, but I feel like this is an issue that people can relate to.  I think it's an important issue too, so forgive me for being personal for a bit.

Life is hard, I know that.  I also know the phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all."  But what happens when you give your heart away to someone, and they stomp on it, and they also stomp on many other people's hearts?

Specifically, I brought someone into my life that I trusted.  I really did, and opened myself up to this person, which is a rare thing for me.  This person was toxic in every way possible, but I didn't realize it until it was too late.  Until this person influenced and became toxic for other people in my life, and I feel this responsibility for it.  If I would have noticed the warning signs earlier, I could have stopped this.  If I were only stronger, I would have stood up for myself.

Here's the lesson I cannot quite grasp yet.  I don't trust my own feelings.  I am an analytical person.  For my student affairs/psych friends, on the MBTI scale, I am 90% T.  I don't use my feelings often to make decisions, and rational thinking is my way of going.  I can always justify things in my mind, and I can always reason with myself to give people "one more chance."  But sometimes, that gets me in a lot of trouble.

My recent example is not the first time, and it probably won't be my last time of me not trusting my feelings.  I have allowed myself to let things go on way longer than they should have for many reasons.  And it shames me to say that in 2 major instances in my life, it has a detrimental effect on me and others around me.

I can't just wake up in the morning and feel better.  I can't just wake up in the morning and feel stronger for "getting through" a tough situation.  Yes, it was and still is a really tough situation.  I am slowly getting out of my depression and fear, but at the same time, I have these lingering thoughts.  Why wasn't I strong enough?  I should have known better.

My biggest downfall is I think too much.  I have emotions, don't get me wrong.  But I don't always pay attention to them or know what to do with them.  And then it leads to these disastrous situations in which I am broken, others are broken, and all I want to do is fix it, but I can't even fix myself. 

The toughest lesson for me to learn is to trust my instincts.  Rational thinking is so good, it really is, and I pride myself in having those critical thinking skills, that common sense, and the ability to see all sides of a situation.  But sometimes, there is more to the world.  You can't just think.  You have to listen to your emotion and know what to do with it.  It's tough.  I have so much disappointment for myself, and I am trying to learn lessons from these situations, but it is hard.

I understand that this feels very "victim" like, and I feel that way at the moment.  I also feel like I don't want to be called a victim, because that means someone else has control over me.  This whole blog is me trying to regain control over myself and not allowing anyone, especially one toxic person, to control my emotions or thoughts.  Therefore, I would like to be called empowered.  I once was victimized; I am now empowered to take my own control back and slowly become the best person I can be, learning all the lessons I can.  I know it will be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs, and it has been tough already.  But I am ready to heal.  I am ready to forgive myself, and I am ready to think about trusting again.  It's going to take time.  I know that.  But these are lessons I need to learn.

So this is my personal blog for my feelings.  I don't want sympathy or empathy, as I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me that are my support.  I want accountability, and I want to hold myself in check.  Yes, life is hard, but what's even harder is forgiving yourself.  And with this blog, me admitting to the general population my true feelings and that I was victimized, it is my way of helping me not ignore my feelings and pain, but instead taking ownership over them.  And that my friends, is what is going to help me heal.  Taking control of myself and my emotions and not letting toxic people ruin me.  I will learn that, and I will heal.  Thank you all for listening.

Phrases that tick me off: "opposite sex."

If you have read one or two of my blogs, you know that there are things that happen to piss me off.  Phrases people say, not understanding what they mean, are the biggest things that bother me.  Take for example, "opposite sex."  Now, in theory, there seems to be nothing wrong with this.  The general population has decided that there are 2 sexes: male and female, and because of that, they are different and opposite in all ways, and that is that.

However, I don't agree.  On many levels.  I don't agree that there are 2 sexes.  I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex. 

First things first.  I believe sex is on a spectrum.  I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind.  There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes.  There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris.  So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum?  I understand that there are biological differences.  But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.

I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be.  Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense.  On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically.  But then there is everything in between.  So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes.  But that isn't correct.

Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise.  There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking.  This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me.  There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.

I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex."  That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into. 

Those are just my thoughts and ramblings.  I am open for a debate.... what do you think?  Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?