Happy New Year, everyone. I typically don't consider New Year's to be a special celebration, and I have never made any New Year's resolutions. I always consider that to be weird; so often people start "new" with good intentions, and then it all just falls to the wayside. I don't want to be that person.
But this year was different for some reason. It might be because I was in a plane with faulty steering when 2012 ended and 2013 started. Or maybe it was because 2012 was probably one of the worst years, emotionally, that I have ever had. But something needs to change in my life, and hey, no time like the present. In my holiday break, I had a LOT of time to think and reflect over the year, and I realized that I need to start taking control of my life in all aspects, and not let other people have control over me or my emotions.
Therefore, I have created, not resolutions, but goals. And SMART goals at that- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. To me, goals seem more real than resolutions.
Why am I telling you this? Well, here's the thing. I often have great ideas for change, and I tell myself all the time how this is going to be it. That I truly am going to do this, but I have trouble holding myself accountable. But research has shown that if you write down your goals, if you share your goals with other people, that you are more likely to achieve them. And I am looking for success here. So not only will I blog this, share it, but I am also printing out the goals and posting them in my apartment, as a constant reminder of what I need to do. It's a process, but I am hoping 2013 is the year of healing.
So without further adieu, my 2013 goals:
1. Run a 5K. I have always wanted to do this, and no time like the present, right? There was a time that I was running pretty consistently, and I felt amazing. I really did enjoy the experience, so I want to get back into it. And a 5K is pretty manageable. I will work to find one near the middle/end of the year, so that I have time to train and feel confident about it.
2. Be ok with being with myself. I have come to realize, especially in the past couple of months, that I depend on other people, and I can't always do that. The only person that I need to depend on is myself. I need to be ok with being alone, with being a productive person on my own. I will know that this is accomplished if I am able to sit at home, by myself, and not feel sad or upset. I plan to focus on the positives in my life, work on finding projects for myself that I find therapeutic, and become my own best friend.
3. Finish my teeth surgeries/implants. This is more of a concrete goal, but something I have been putting off for the past year. As a short explanation, I have teeth issues- I was born without 2 permanent teeth, which caused a lot of issues and shifting in my mouth. I had braces for 4 years, and now just need to purchase and get 2 tooth implants. Problem is, I don't really have the money for it and it is super expensive. However, I need to do it. It will make me feel better about myself and make me feel productive. So I will think creatively about money options, make appointments, and finish this up. It's time.
4. Weekly Gratitude. I am an introvert, and with that, comes my internal focus. This creates problems because sometimes it's hard for me to look outwards. And when I am focusing on being more positive in life, I sometimes ignore the positive and beautiful things around me. I have created a "weekly gratitude" goal, so that once a week I thank someone. Seems simple, right? I can do it verbally, with a note, or with an action. But this is going to allow me to reflect on my experiences and reflect on the positive parts of my life.
5. Take control of my life around my family. This one is hard to explain, and I know people don't often understand my family concerns or issues. Basically, I am not myself around my family, and I turn numb when I am with them so I don't have to feel. But I need to take control of myself, so I don't get into this phase of numbness, because it takes a long time to get out of that state of numb. So I am going to not allow them to make decisions for me. As an example, my mother bought me a plane ticket to visit Minnesota over this holiday break. She didn't consult with me. She just bought it, and set her own dates that didn't really work for me. I was planning to drive to save money. Next year, I am going to say no. I am going to drive if I want to, and if she still buys a plane ticket, I won't get on the plane. I will know that I have taken control of my own life around my family if I stick to my plans, even if it means making them upset.
Those are my goals. I think they are good, and will help me to be more focused, and hopefully work to heal my soul a bit, which is needed. So with a new year, doesn't necessarily mean comes a new me, but it does mean getting serious about being the best me. And that sounds pretty good to me.
Did you make any goals or resolutions for the new year?
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
People First
Hi folks,
I hope everyone survived a dramatic election night, and hopefully we can all move forward from here, whatever your political leanings and beliefs are.
One of the things that has bothered me throughout this election is the language used by both parties and by a lot of people. This is also a general annoyance in real life, and I feel it has some serious repurcussions.
I am a huge proponant for "people first" language. Meaning, you don't put a describer before the person. So you shouldn't say things like:
Here's my concern with language like this. By putting the identity of a person before the actual person, you are automatically boxing them into a category that is not their only category. Sure, you probably do have a gay friend. But is that their ONLY characteristic? How about saying, "I have a friend who is gay..." That way, your audience will see that that they are a person first, and not completely characterized by one of their identities.
So often, I think, people get caught up in one identity and forget that we all have intersecting identities. Yes, someone may be gay. Or they may be black. But that is not all of who they are. It's a part of them. It can be a huge part of a person, certain identities. But then we fail to see the other identities. What about their gender identity? What about their sex? What about their religious beliefs? What about their class? All these identities and many more all make up who a person is. There isn't just one thing, and by describing someone based solely on one identity, I feel we are categorizing people unfairly.
Let's role play for a moment. Think of one identity that you have. It can be class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, anything. Think about it. And then put that word or phrase in front of your name. So I would be, for example, "Atheist Connie." Say it out loud (your's, not mine). How does it feel? Do you feel like you need to explain yourself? I know I do. Because different identities come with so many different assumptions and stereotypes, it almost seems like, in my opinion, that I lose myself and have to defend an identity. And that's not good, to lose yourself.
I encourage you to check your language. Do you use people first language? Can you try to use people first language? Because in order to respect people, we need to realize that people are whole, we need to recognize them for all of who they are, not for part of who they are.
Thanks for listening!
I hope everyone survived a dramatic election night, and hopefully we can all move forward from here, whatever your political leanings and beliefs are.
One of the things that has bothered me throughout this election is the language used by both parties and by a lot of people. This is also a general annoyance in real life, and I feel it has some serious repurcussions.
I am a huge proponant for "people first" language. Meaning, you don't put a describer before the person. So you shouldn't say things like:
- My gay friend
- That black person
- That autistic student
Here's my concern with language like this. By putting the identity of a person before the actual person, you are automatically boxing them into a category that is not their only category. Sure, you probably do have a gay friend. But is that their ONLY characteristic? How about saying, "I have a friend who is gay..." That way, your audience will see that that they are a person first, and not completely characterized by one of their identities.
So often, I think, people get caught up in one identity and forget that we all have intersecting identities. Yes, someone may be gay. Or they may be black. But that is not all of who they are. It's a part of them. It can be a huge part of a person, certain identities. But then we fail to see the other identities. What about their gender identity? What about their sex? What about their religious beliefs? What about their class? All these identities and many more all make up who a person is. There isn't just one thing, and by describing someone based solely on one identity, I feel we are categorizing people unfairly.
Let's role play for a moment. Think of one identity that you have. It can be class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, anything. Think about it. And then put that word or phrase in front of your name. So I would be, for example, "Atheist Connie." Say it out loud (your's, not mine). How does it feel? Do you feel like you need to explain yourself? I know I do. Because different identities come with so many different assumptions and stereotypes, it almost seems like, in my opinion, that I lose myself and have to defend an identity. And that's not good, to lose yourself.
I encourage you to check your language. Do you use people first language? Can you try to use people first language? Because in order to respect people, we need to realize that people are whole, we need to recognize them for all of who they are, not for part of who they are.
Thanks for listening!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The original sin of women
I am a feminist. I think you could probably tell that. I think you can probably also tell that I have issues with a lot of things that happen in society. I recently came across a sign that said "If Eve doomed the entire human race for one apple, what would she do for a klondke bar?"
I get it, it's funny. I understand the concept of the sign, and it can cause giggles. I get it.
But I also don't like it. To me, this speaks to all the subtle and innate oppression issues that women face.
First things first. I am going to get a bit biblical here, and I am going to talk about my opinions. My own opinions. Not fact, not your opinion, but my opinion. I ask that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours. I love a good debate and discussion, so feel free to start one if you would like, in a respectful manner.
There are a lot of stories in the Bible and biblical folklore that really bother me. But let's focus on one right now. It is this story of Adam and Eve, which can arguably be one of the most famous stories in the bible aside from Jesus being born. In my Lutheran upbringings and teaching, the story of Adam and Eve is that God created Adam first, then created Eve out of Adam's rib (first point: there is a bit of man in every woman). Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and took a bite of a fruit that God said never to eat (second point: Eve, aka women, are easily tempted). After Eve "sinned," God's punishment was giving Adam and Eve human bodies, meaning they would suffer and die (third point: Eve, aka woman, caused the downfall of humans).
Let's also look at how Eve is a representation of all women, in popular society. She was, to use this story, the "first woman" and therefore, all other women were modeled and bore out of her. Because of that, and because of the above paragraph and story, there have been people that have oppressed and looked down on women solely because of a story the Bible wants us to believe.
I have personal views that could go on for years about whether the Bible is true, where it came from, and what this story is actually talking about. But here's the point. It doesn't matter what you believe, and it doesn't matter if you believe. You have to realize that this story has often led to issues with women. From the early years, women were seen as not equal to men, innate sinners, and not good enough because of this story.
Even if you don't know or don't believe this, the current oppression, subordination, and punishment of women can easily stem from this story. So by saying things like "Eve doomed human kind," you basically are perpetuating the myth that women are unequal to men and basically innately bad. It may not be a pervasive and explicit thing in society, but it definitely is in society in a more implicit way. There is a belief that Eve is the representation of all women. And if you put negative qualities and characteristics on Eve, you are then putting these same negative qualities on every single woman in the world. Whether you think so or not, it is happening. It has happened, it continues to happen, and it continues to be perpetuated.
The reality is, women are still second-class citizens in today's world. There may be many reasons for it, but I believe this is one of the reasons this oppression continues. Because people have a reason to justify it. But there is no reason to justify it. Do you think this story is fact? Could there be other interpretations? Could there be a reason this story was written this way in the Bible?
There's my opinion and my take on this. I understand that jokes are funny. It's funny sometimes to make fun of history, or make fun of stories. I am not a prude in that way. I also though, think we all need to understand the impact of our actions. By making a sign like that or by making a joke about Eve, do you know what impact that makes on people? On society? Think about it. And I just urge you to think about your impact, whether it be an explicit or implicit impact.
I get it, it's funny. I understand the concept of the sign, and it can cause giggles. I get it.
But I also don't like it. To me, this speaks to all the subtle and innate oppression issues that women face.
First things first. I am going to get a bit biblical here, and I am going to talk about my opinions. My own opinions. Not fact, not your opinion, but my opinion. I ask that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours. I love a good debate and discussion, so feel free to start one if you would like, in a respectful manner.
There are a lot of stories in the Bible and biblical folklore that really bother me. But let's focus on one right now. It is this story of Adam and Eve, which can arguably be one of the most famous stories in the bible aside from Jesus being born. In my Lutheran upbringings and teaching, the story of Adam and Eve is that God created Adam first, then created Eve out of Adam's rib (first point: there is a bit of man in every woman). Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and took a bite of a fruit that God said never to eat (second point: Eve, aka women, are easily tempted). After Eve "sinned," God's punishment was giving Adam and Eve human bodies, meaning they would suffer and die (third point: Eve, aka woman, caused the downfall of humans).
Let's also look at how Eve is a representation of all women, in popular society. She was, to use this story, the "first woman" and therefore, all other women were modeled and bore out of her. Because of that, and because of the above paragraph and story, there have been people that have oppressed and looked down on women solely because of a story the Bible wants us to believe.
I have personal views that could go on for years about whether the Bible is true, where it came from, and what this story is actually talking about. But here's the point. It doesn't matter what you believe, and it doesn't matter if you believe. You have to realize that this story has often led to issues with women. From the early years, women were seen as not equal to men, innate sinners, and not good enough because of this story.
Even if you don't know or don't believe this, the current oppression, subordination, and punishment of women can easily stem from this story. So by saying things like "Eve doomed human kind," you basically are perpetuating the myth that women are unequal to men and basically innately bad. It may not be a pervasive and explicit thing in society, but it definitely is in society in a more implicit way. There is a belief that Eve is the representation of all women. And if you put negative qualities and characteristics on Eve, you are then putting these same negative qualities on every single woman in the world. Whether you think so or not, it is happening. It has happened, it continues to happen, and it continues to be perpetuated.
The reality is, women are still second-class citizens in today's world. There may be many reasons for it, but I believe this is one of the reasons this oppression continues. Because people have a reason to justify it. But there is no reason to justify it. Do you think this story is fact? Could there be other interpretations? Could there be a reason this story was written this way in the Bible?
There's my opinion and my take on this. I understand that jokes are funny. It's funny sometimes to make fun of history, or make fun of stories. I am not a prude in that way. I also though, think we all need to understand the impact of our actions. By making a sign like that or by making a joke about Eve, do you know what impact that makes on people? On society? Think about it. And I just urge you to think about your impact, whether it be an explicit or implicit impact.
Monday, October 29, 2012
That Wasn't Me
In my trend of social justice being the telling of personal stories, I want to continue to share some struggles that I have been dealing with and will continue to deal with. A personal caveat- these are solely my experiences, and nobody else's. Everyone deals with mental illnesses in their own way, and this is just my experience and opinion.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I think I have outgrown a lot of my anxieties, but depression is a very different story. I was at my lowest in my undergrad years. Medication and therapy helped a lot, and there was a time several years ago where I was just completely happy. I was in a great place in life, I was figuring out who I was, I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had a great outlook on life.
Fast forward to now. I thought, a few years ago, that I had "overcome" depression. That I had coping mechanisms and could deal with anything that happens in healthy and constructive ways. I have slowly been realizing that this is not true. I have not overcome depression and in fact, it probably is something that will always be there with me. It will be a constant fight.
It starts small, the periods of depression, for me. The urge to cry at the smallest thing, the urge to stay in bed for 5 more minutes. Typically I have been able to figure out my warning signs and talk my way out of it. Rationalize to myself and work to find "happy" things to deal with everything. But these past few days have shown me that this depression, as much as I want to think I have a handle on it, really is a sneaky little meanie.
One of the biggest struggles I have had, and continue to have, is validating that depression is a real thing. Yes, for me, it is incredibly real and I know and understand that it is not just in my head. It's a chemical imbalance, and something that I cannot fix on my own. But that wasn't always the case. Growing up, I had parents that told me sadness was "all in my head," and I just needed an "attitude adjustment." There was one point, in high school, that I was feeling so helpless, I asked my mother for a professional counseling appointment for my birthday. She laughed in my face.
The way I was raised, it took me a very long time to acknowledge that mental illnesses were real. Even now, I think I tend to simplify it sometimes, in order to hide the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.
Here's the thing I need to realize. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone that lives with a mental illness. I think society has stigmatized it for so long, from institutionalizing people suffering, to making fun of mood swings, to everything in between, it is an embarrassing subject. Nobody talks about mental illness, nobody talks about self-harm. And they need to. If people were to talk, tell their stories, don't you think mental illnesses would be seen as a common reality? Don't you think then, people would be more apt to ask for help and not feel embarrassed? That people would understand depression or anxiety in a better way, and not feel "weird" or "alone" in their experiences? Depression is an incredibly isolating thing. The fact that people don't talk about it and there is a danger in asking for help, only escalates the need for a person going through a depressed state to stay silent. And that's not right.
Until then, this is my story. I'm struggling. It'll pass, it'll get better, but at the moment I am not myself. I want people to understand that, to know that I would rather be curled in a ball in bed crying than anywhere else at the moment. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing, it's not wrong.
One of the highlights of my low point was last week, when I saw one of my favorite singers ever live. For those of you who don't know, that person is Brandi Carlile. She sings this song called "That Wasn't Me." The song was written about addiction, but while she was singing it, it struck me how the meaning could be transferred to what I was going through and experiencing. So if you are interested, here's Brandi:
I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I think I have outgrown a lot of my anxieties, but depression is a very different story. I was at my lowest in my undergrad years. Medication and therapy helped a lot, and there was a time several years ago where I was just completely happy. I was in a great place in life, I was figuring out who I was, I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had a great outlook on life.
Fast forward to now. I thought, a few years ago, that I had "overcome" depression. That I had coping mechanisms and could deal with anything that happens in healthy and constructive ways. I have slowly been realizing that this is not true. I have not overcome depression and in fact, it probably is something that will always be there with me. It will be a constant fight.
It starts small, the periods of depression, for me. The urge to cry at the smallest thing, the urge to stay in bed for 5 more minutes. Typically I have been able to figure out my warning signs and talk my way out of it. Rationalize to myself and work to find "happy" things to deal with everything. But these past few days have shown me that this depression, as much as I want to think I have a handle on it, really is a sneaky little meanie.
One of the biggest struggles I have had, and continue to have, is validating that depression is a real thing. Yes, for me, it is incredibly real and I know and understand that it is not just in my head. It's a chemical imbalance, and something that I cannot fix on my own. But that wasn't always the case. Growing up, I had parents that told me sadness was "all in my head," and I just needed an "attitude adjustment." There was one point, in high school, that I was feeling so helpless, I asked my mother for a professional counseling appointment for my birthday. She laughed in my face.
The way I was raised, it took me a very long time to acknowledge that mental illnesses were real. Even now, I think I tend to simplify it sometimes, in order to hide the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.
Here's the thing I need to realize. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone that lives with a mental illness. I think society has stigmatized it for so long, from institutionalizing people suffering, to making fun of mood swings, to everything in between, it is an embarrassing subject. Nobody talks about mental illness, nobody talks about self-harm. And they need to. If people were to talk, tell their stories, don't you think mental illnesses would be seen as a common reality? Don't you think then, people would be more apt to ask for help and not feel embarrassed? That people would understand depression or anxiety in a better way, and not feel "weird" or "alone" in their experiences? Depression is an incredibly isolating thing. The fact that people don't talk about it and there is a danger in asking for help, only escalates the need for a person going through a depressed state to stay silent. And that's not right.
Until then, this is my story. I'm struggling. It'll pass, it'll get better, but at the moment I am not myself. I want people to understand that, to know that I would rather be curled in a ball in bed crying than anywhere else at the moment. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing, it's not wrong.
One of the highlights of my low point was last week, when I saw one of my favorite singers ever live. For those of you who don't know, that person is Brandi Carlile. She sings this song called "That Wasn't Me." The song was written about addiction, but while she was singing it, it struck me how the meaning could be transferred to what I was going through and experiencing. So if you are interested, here's Brandi:
Thursday, September 20, 2012
"Normal"
One of the worlds I really hate is "normal." I know I have used it in the past, to say that we all need to normalize same-sex relationships, normalize breaking gender norms, etc. But I also think that the word "normal" can do a lot of harm.
My favorite scene from a great movie:
I may be biased with this movie because it was filmed in my hometown and I have a brief cameo in the movie, but here's my point. This scene speaks to exactly what I feel. There is no normal.
The concept of normal is something that is regular, accepted, something everyone should strive to be. Alas, I don't believe anyone should strive to be anything other than themselves. As Angus says, we are all different. Nobody is the same, therefore, there can be no normal.
I play roller derby, as I may have mentioned before. A couple of months ago, my mom and dad visited me from across the country to watch me play in a bout. Now, my parents and I don't have the best relationship, and they tend to ignore a lot of who I am as a person. But I was sort of excited to get their take on my passion in life. But I wish it had never happened. My mother was excited to attend, and apparently had been looking up my team online and getting information from there. She called me a couple of days before their trip, and said something to the extent of "I saw the group picture of your team on the website, and what a bunch of freaks. Nobody looks normal." I questioned her about what normal meant, and she was silent.
Then the visit came, and after the bout, I was getting my parent's responses to roller derby. Again, in typical mom fashion, she replied "there aren't a lot of normal people that play roller derby, are there?"
Again I asked, what is normal? She had no response for me except "not that." So apparently I am a freak of nature. Which made me feel oh so good.
Here's the thing. When you say something is "normal" or we innately normalize something in our society, we are creating a dichotomy of us vs. them. And that creates exclusion, it creates oppression, it creates otherness. It creates problems.
There is no normal. There is no "new" normal, there is no "old" normal. We need to start checking ourselves and our vocabulary, because by saying these words and by thinking there is a "normal," we are only creating oppression and otherness. Normal is a terrible word to say to describe something or someone. I understand there are ways to say it, and necessary times to say something is the norm, but be aware of when you say it. Be aware of how you say it, and be aware of what you are calling normal.
Because there might be some people out there that are not freaks of nature, but still want to feel like a whole person.
My favorite scene from a great movie:
I may be biased with this movie because it was filmed in my hometown and I have a brief cameo in the movie, but here's my point. This scene speaks to exactly what I feel. There is no normal.
The concept of normal is something that is regular, accepted, something everyone should strive to be. Alas, I don't believe anyone should strive to be anything other than themselves. As Angus says, we are all different. Nobody is the same, therefore, there can be no normal.
I play roller derby, as I may have mentioned before. A couple of months ago, my mom and dad visited me from across the country to watch me play in a bout. Now, my parents and I don't have the best relationship, and they tend to ignore a lot of who I am as a person. But I was sort of excited to get their take on my passion in life. But I wish it had never happened. My mother was excited to attend, and apparently had been looking up my team online and getting information from there. She called me a couple of days before their trip, and said something to the extent of "I saw the group picture of your team on the website, and what a bunch of freaks. Nobody looks normal." I questioned her about what normal meant, and she was silent.
Then the visit came, and after the bout, I was getting my parent's responses to roller derby. Again, in typical mom fashion, she replied "there aren't a lot of normal people that play roller derby, are there?"
Again I asked, what is normal? She had no response for me except "not that." So apparently I am a freak of nature. Which made me feel oh so good.
Here's the thing. When you say something is "normal" or we innately normalize something in our society, we are creating a dichotomy of us vs. them. And that creates exclusion, it creates oppression, it creates otherness. It creates problems.
There is no normal. There is no "new" normal, there is no "old" normal. We need to start checking ourselves and our vocabulary, because by saying these words and by thinking there is a "normal," we are only creating oppression and otherness. Normal is a terrible word to say to describe something or someone. I understand there are ways to say it, and necessary times to say something is the norm, but be aware of when you say it. Be aware of how you say it, and be aware of what you are calling normal.
Because there might be some people out there that are not freaks of nature, but still want to feel like a whole person.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
We need to talk about it
There are two things that made me realize how important this post is for me to write. Again, it focuses on personal stories, but I have a point, I promise. If you would like, read along and wait for the point.
1. I have been working on training college student leaders for the past two weeks now, and one of the big parts of this training is social justice training. We are working to make our college as inclusive as possible, and make it a positive place for all people and all identities. This starts with student leaders. Most of the activities we did with the students were met with mixed results. Some people had trouble understanding their privilege. There was a lot of guilt associated with some of the activities. Other people were extremely triggered because of feelings of oppression and hurt that came up. One of these students was my biggest lesson in this training. Because of the identity this student had, they had been oppressed on a daily basis. This student was frustrated, and sometimes left the sessions crying because they were so triggered. The thing that got me though, is near the end of our two week training, the student found their voice. And shared stories.
This made me realize how important storytelling is. I have often heard about it, and in teaching students about leadership and social justice, I preached the importance of storytelling. But I never understood just how powerful it is until this training. Storytelling, especially our personal stories, really make oppression personal. It gives a face to something that you hear about in passing, but never really think about. For me, it forces me to take action as opposed to just saying "oh, that sucks...."
2. In the past few weeks I have also been doing a lot of work with sexual assault on the campus. Every year we do a training on sexual assault for our student leaders and for the first-year class. Cool, and I typically volunteer every year. Except this year was different. This year, it was personal for me. And I had a really tough time dealing with that. And it made me realize that I needed to heal. And how am I going to heal anything if I refuse to confront it?
So here's my storytelling/social justice spin on my points. Let's talk about sexual assault and sexual misconduct. Let's talk about how this is still such a huge stigma in society. And let's talk about how most people don't even understand what it means to be sexually assaulted.
I don't share my story. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my story and actually realize I don't have fault in what happened, and I still am not there yet. But I am realizing more and more that I need to share and I need to put it out there that society in general still doesn't understand sexual assault.
I was manipulated and coerced by someone I trusted and was in a relationship with. Yes, this is a form of sexual assault. In New York state, and in most people's minds. I'm not saying this looking for sympathy or support; I'm fine and working on this. As I said, I haven't really shared this with anyone. But for the few that I have shared, here are some of the reactions:
"Well, why didn't you just leave?" "It's not sexual assault if it's consensual." "Ok, so?" Or even nothing, and some people made a joke out of it all. There were several times when I disclosed I was in an abusive/unhealthy relationship, and people just shrugged it away.
Let's talk about this. I don't blame individual people, because I honestly think society doesn't do a good job of education when it comes to sexual assault. When I got reactions like this, I burrowed myself deeper, placing the blame on myself more and more. And it seems like a contradiction- I am still embarassed by the fact that I have had so much education when it comes to sexual assault. I have been a trained advocate for 6 years now. And really? This could happen to me?
We need to start talking about it. We need to start talking about respecting people, and we need to start making society a safe place for people to share their stories without being oppressed. We need to make society a place where sexual assaults don't happen, because people are respectful and don't try to coerce control on others.
And here's where the points come into play. Storytelling. If survivors are embarassed of their experience, and if they have my experience where there's not a lot of support from the general population, how the hell are we going to know the real story?
As a side note, I also participated in a role playing activity to train these student leaders about dealing with situations, and I volunteered to play the sexual assault victim for students to "confront." It was a 10 minute role play that I did 5 times, and before it happened, I was super nervous. Like, I wanted to vomit and punch something at the same time. But to my surprise, it was a really healing experience. I was able to tell my story in a "safe" environment, meaning I don't think anyone that went through and confronted me actually thought the story I was telling was my own. So I was able to tell my story, for the first time, and hear my voice. And it felt good. It felt good to actually acknowledge that this is my reality. I hadn't had that opportunity before. And that helps to heal.
So storytelling, in my opinion, is a two-fold positive thing. It helps the person telling the story heal, it brings the experience into reality so they can confront and start to deal with it, and empowers the person to understand their experience. Storytelling also is beneficial to the people hearing the story, because it puts a personal spin on the injustice and causes people to have a more direct emotional response than just a passing random statistic. Again, just my experience, but I wanted to share it.
Now is where the social justice part comes into play. In my experience, storytelling was not a positive thing a first. The people I told my story to weren't receiving of it, didn't believe me, didn't understand. So what can we do, every single one of us, do to make sure that we are open to any story that wants to be told? It doesn't have to be about sexual assault. It can be about any injustice or oppression, or anything at all. If someone is strong and is choosing to disclose their story, we all need to be an open, safe, and supportive venue for them to tell their story. So what are you doing to do in order to be this for someone?
This is my challenge for everyone that reads this blog post. Think about what you can do to be that person. What can you do and how can you act if someone chooses to disclose something to you? How can you validate their story and be that source of comfort for them? All I was looking for was someone to validate the fact that I was feeling terrible. I wasn't looking for someone to be my personal counselor, I wasn't looking for someone to solve my problems. I was solely looking for someone that would validate the fact that I went through a terrible situation, and I have every right to feel the way I was feeling. And that I couldn't find. So that's my challenge. I challenge you to be that person. The one that listens. The one that makes it ok for people to feel the way they are feeling, whatever the feeling is.
My personal counselor:
1. I have been working on training college student leaders for the past two weeks now, and one of the big parts of this training is social justice training. We are working to make our college as inclusive as possible, and make it a positive place for all people and all identities. This starts with student leaders. Most of the activities we did with the students were met with mixed results. Some people had trouble understanding their privilege. There was a lot of guilt associated with some of the activities. Other people were extremely triggered because of feelings of oppression and hurt that came up. One of these students was my biggest lesson in this training. Because of the identity this student had, they had been oppressed on a daily basis. This student was frustrated, and sometimes left the sessions crying because they were so triggered. The thing that got me though, is near the end of our two week training, the student found their voice. And shared stories.
This made me realize how important storytelling is. I have often heard about it, and in teaching students about leadership and social justice, I preached the importance of storytelling. But I never understood just how powerful it is until this training. Storytelling, especially our personal stories, really make oppression personal. It gives a face to something that you hear about in passing, but never really think about. For me, it forces me to take action as opposed to just saying "oh, that sucks...."
2. In the past few weeks I have also been doing a lot of work with sexual assault on the campus. Every year we do a training on sexual assault for our student leaders and for the first-year class. Cool, and I typically volunteer every year. Except this year was different. This year, it was personal for me. And I had a really tough time dealing with that. And it made me realize that I needed to heal. And how am I going to heal anything if I refuse to confront it?
So here's my storytelling/social justice spin on my points. Let's talk about sexual assault and sexual misconduct. Let's talk about how this is still such a huge stigma in society. And let's talk about how most people don't even understand what it means to be sexually assaulted.
I don't share my story. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my story and actually realize I don't have fault in what happened, and I still am not there yet. But I am realizing more and more that I need to share and I need to put it out there that society in general still doesn't understand sexual assault.
I was manipulated and coerced by someone I trusted and was in a relationship with. Yes, this is a form of sexual assault. In New York state, and in most people's minds. I'm not saying this looking for sympathy or support; I'm fine and working on this. As I said, I haven't really shared this with anyone. But for the few that I have shared, here are some of the reactions:
"Well, why didn't you just leave?" "It's not sexual assault if it's consensual." "Ok, so?" Or even nothing, and some people made a joke out of it all. There were several times when I disclosed I was in an abusive/unhealthy relationship, and people just shrugged it away.
Let's talk about this. I don't blame individual people, because I honestly think society doesn't do a good job of education when it comes to sexual assault. When I got reactions like this, I burrowed myself deeper, placing the blame on myself more and more. And it seems like a contradiction- I am still embarassed by the fact that I have had so much education when it comes to sexual assault. I have been a trained advocate for 6 years now. And really? This could happen to me?
We need to start talking about it. We need to start talking about respecting people, and we need to start making society a safe place for people to share their stories without being oppressed. We need to make society a place where sexual assaults don't happen, because people are respectful and don't try to coerce control on others.
And here's where the points come into play. Storytelling. If survivors are embarassed of their experience, and if they have my experience where there's not a lot of support from the general population, how the hell are we going to know the real story?
As a side note, I also participated in a role playing activity to train these student leaders about dealing with situations, and I volunteered to play the sexual assault victim for students to "confront." It was a 10 minute role play that I did 5 times, and before it happened, I was super nervous. Like, I wanted to vomit and punch something at the same time. But to my surprise, it was a really healing experience. I was able to tell my story in a "safe" environment, meaning I don't think anyone that went through and confronted me actually thought the story I was telling was my own. So I was able to tell my story, for the first time, and hear my voice. And it felt good. It felt good to actually acknowledge that this is my reality. I hadn't had that opportunity before. And that helps to heal.
So storytelling, in my opinion, is a two-fold positive thing. It helps the person telling the story heal, it brings the experience into reality so they can confront and start to deal with it, and empowers the person to understand their experience. Storytelling also is beneficial to the people hearing the story, because it puts a personal spin on the injustice and causes people to have a more direct emotional response than just a passing random statistic. Again, just my experience, but I wanted to share it.
Now is where the social justice part comes into play. In my experience, storytelling was not a positive thing a first. The people I told my story to weren't receiving of it, didn't believe me, didn't understand. So what can we do, every single one of us, do to make sure that we are open to any story that wants to be told? It doesn't have to be about sexual assault. It can be about any injustice or oppression, or anything at all. If someone is strong and is choosing to disclose their story, we all need to be an open, safe, and supportive venue for them to tell their story. So what are you doing to do in order to be this for someone?
This is my challenge for everyone that reads this blog post. Think about what you can do to be that person. What can you do and how can you act if someone chooses to disclose something to you? How can you validate their story and be that source of comfort for them? All I was looking for was someone to validate the fact that I was feeling terrible. I wasn't looking for someone to be my personal counselor, I wasn't looking for someone to solve my problems. I was solely looking for someone that would validate the fact that I went through a terrible situation, and I have every right to feel the way I was feeling. And that I couldn't find. So that's my challenge. I challenge you to be that person. The one that listens. The one that makes it ok for people to feel the way they are feeling, whatever the feeling is.
My personal counselor:
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Little Things
I wish people would realize the impact they have on others. I get that everyone is different and reacts to people in different ways. So let me tell you about my experience.
I am a person that is highly influenced by my surroundings. My physical surroundings, the people around me, even the weather. I get a lot of my social cues from other people, so a kind word or an open stance goes a really long way with me.
The past few weeks have been tough for me in many different ways. I've felt up in the air, out of control of everything going on, and I felt fuzzy and out of place. A lot has been happening to me that isn't in my control, and I think this past weekend was my time to snap back into gear. So needless to say, a lot of feelings were happening and I wasn't the happiest of people lately.
But here's what makes me happy. The little interactions with people. I bet they didn't even realize how much of an impact they have had on me. On Saturday, I decided I needed to be proactive and get some adult things done. One of those things was picking up my drycleaning that had been sitting at the store for over a month. I had completely forgotten about it, and was embarrassed about having to pick it up after such a long time. But the minute I walked into the store, the woman working was so nice. She asked me about my weekend, and she reassured me that my clothes hadn't been there long. She talked with me about their policy on getting rid of clothing, and was incredibly genuine with her interaction. In a world of hustle and bustle, where you rush and text instead of having personal interactions, this woman was a breath of fresh air. She took the time to chat with me. And she acted like she truly did care about me and my answers. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. But I know in that moment, I felt important.
Today was another great example. I was walking to my apartment during the day, and a couple of workers I am friendly with stopped me to chat. They were on their work break, and we were talking about some maintenance things happening at my job, and one of them all of a sudden told me what a good job I was doing and making their jobs easier. He gave me a hug, too. I was so surprised, as this was completely out of the ordinary. Sure, I am friendly with them and we always chat, but the fact that they both showed genuine appreciation for me filled my heart with joy.
Or the fact that I can contact someone late at night, and go on road trips and meet up with people randomly. That there are people that care about me enough to be spontaneous and understand when I need to clear my thoughts.
There is a reason I don't have an EZ Pass in New York state. Sure, having that pass would be so convenient. I could just fly by toll booths, not have to worry about having money and coin on me at all times, and not wait in long lines. But I don't want to. Because I would be missing the human interaction. As I said, I am highly impacted by my surroundings, so even if a random toll booth worker smiles at me and tells me to have a good day, I feel a little brighter inside. It makes all the difference in the world.
I'm telling these stories for a couple reasons. First of all, I think we all need to take the time to think about the little things. Maybe you aren't like me, and maybe you don't become impacted by others and your surroundings. That's fine, but there are some of us that are. The fact that we all can do such small things, but make such a positive difference is amazing. A genuine smile. A genuine care for a stranger. A genuine compliment. These things can make someone's day or even week. I know it's made mine.
The second part of this is that I often get scared by society today. This is going to make me sound really old, but there isn't a lot of personal interaction anymore. I have gone entire days without talking to a single person. Sure, I love to text, but it misses a lot. Texting is so easy and beneficial in a lot of ways. But face to face talks and phone conversations can mean so much more. I work with college students, and so many times, these students have no clue how to interact with people. I feel that we all are missing key components of life, which are those genuine human interactions.
Here's my thought. I think we all need to be conscious of our lives and our interactions. We need to consider how we are connecting with people, and how we come off to people. I truly believe a small gesture like a genuine smile can make all the difference in the world. So why can't we all just do it? Smile at a stranger. Show genuine interest in a person's story. Make a genuine compliment. What's it going to hurt? I bet nothing, and only make someone's life better.
I am a person that is highly influenced by my surroundings. My physical surroundings, the people around me, even the weather. I get a lot of my social cues from other people, so a kind word or an open stance goes a really long way with me.
The past few weeks have been tough for me in many different ways. I've felt up in the air, out of control of everything going on, and I felt fuzzy and out of place. A lot has been happening to me that isn't in my control, and I think this past weekend was my time to snap back into gear. So needless to say, a lot of feelings were happening and I wasn't the happiest of people lately.
But here's what makes me happy. The little interactions with people. I bet they didn't even realize how much of an impact they have had on me. On Saturday, I decided I needed to be proactive and get some adult things done. One of those things was picking up my drycleaning that had been sitting at the store for over a month. I had completely forgotten about it, and was embarrassed about having to pick it up after such a long time. But the minute I walked into the store, the woman working was so nice. She asked me about my weekend, and she reassured me that my clothes hadn't been there long. She talked with me about their policy on getting rid of clothing, and was incredibly genuine with her interaction. In a world of hustle and bustle, where you rush and text instead of having personal interactions, this woman was a breath of fresh air. She took the time to chat with me. And she acted like she truly did care about me and my answers. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. But I know in that moment, I felt important.
Today was another great example. I was walking to my apartment during the day, and a couple of workers I am friendly with stopped me to chat. They were on their work break, and we were talking about some maintenance things happening at my job, and one of them all of a sudden told me what a good job I was doing and making their jobs easier. He gave me a hug, too. I was so surprised, as this was completely out of the ordinary. Sure, I am friendly with them and we always chat, but the fact that they both showed genuine appreciation for me filled my heart with joy.
Or the fact that I can contact someone late at night, and go on road trips and meet up with people randomly. That there are people that care about me enough to be spontaneous and understand when I need to clear my thoughts.
There is a reason I don't have an EZ Pass in New York state. Sure, having that pass would be so convenient. I could just fly by toll booths, not have to worry about having money and coin on me at all times, and not wait in long lines. But I don't want to. Because I would be missing the human interaction. As I said, I am highly impacted by my surroundings, so even if a random toll booth worker smiles at me and tells me to have a good day, I feel a little brighter inside. It makes all the difference in the world.
I'm telling these stories for a couple reasons. First of all, I think we all need to take the time to think about the little things. Maybe you aren't like me, and maybe you don't become impacted by others and your surroundings. That's fine, but there are some of us that are. The fact that we all can do such small things, but make such a positive difference is amazing. A genuine smile. A genuine care for a stranger. A genuine compliment. These things can make someone's day or even week. I know it's made mine.
The second part of this is that I often get scared by society today. This is going to make me sound really old, but there isn't a lot of personal interaction anymore. I have gone entire days without talking to a single person. Sure, I love to text, but it misses a lot. Texting is so easy and beneficial in a lot of ways. But face to face talks and phone conversations can mean so much more. I work with college students, and so many times, these students have no clue how to interact with people. I feel that we all are missing key components of life, which are those genuine human interactions.
Here's my thought. I think we all need to be conscious of our lives and our interactions. We need to consider how we are connecting with people, and how we come off to people. I truly believe a small gesture like a genuine smile can make all the difference in the world. So why can't we all just do it? Smile at a stranger. Show genuine interest in a person's story. Make a genuine compliment. What's it going to hurt? I bet nothing, and only make someone's life better.
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