"Normal"

One of the worlds I really hate is "normal."  I know I have used it in the past, to say that we all need to normalize same-sex relationships, normalize breaking gender norms, etc.  But I also think that the word "normal" can do a lot of harm. 

My favorite scene from a great movie:

I may be biased with this movie because it was filmed in my hometown and I have a brief cameo in the movie, but here's my point.  This scene speaks to exactly what I feel.  There is no normal.

The concept of normal is something that is regular, accepted, something everyone should strive to be.  Alas, I don't believe anyone should strive to be anything other than themselves.  As Angus says, we are all different.  Nobody is the same, therefore, there can be no normal. 

I play roller derby, as I may have mentioned before.  A couple of months ago, my mom and dad visited me from across the country to watch me play in a bout.  Now, my parents and I don't have the best relationship, and they tend to ignore a lot of who I am as a person.  But I was sort of excited to get their take on my passion in life.  But I wish it had never happened.  My mother was excited to attend, and apparently had been looking up my team online and getting information from there.  She called me a couple of days before their trip, and said something to the extent of "I saw the group picture of your team on the website, and what a bunch of freaks. Nobody looks normal."  I questioned her about what normal meant, and she was silent.

Then the visit came, and after the bout, I was getting my parent's responses to roller derby.  Again, in typical mom fashion, she replied "there aren't a lot of normal people that play roller derby, are there?"

Again I asked, what is normal?  She had no response for me except "not that."  So apparently I am a freak of nature.  Which made me feel oh so good.

Here's the thing.  When you say something is "normal" or we innately normalize something in our society, we are creating a dichotomy of us vs. them.  And that creates exclusion, it creates oppression, it creates otherness.  It creates problems. 

There is no normal.  There is no "new" normal, there is no "old" normal.  We need to start checking ourselves and our vocabulary, because by saying these words and by thinking there is a "normal," we are only creating oppression and otherness.  Normal is a terrible word to say to describe something or someone.  I understand there are ways to say it, and necessary times to say something is the norm, but be aware of when you say it.  Be aware of how you say it, and be aware of what you are calling normal.

Because there might be some people out there that are not freaks of nature, but still want to feel like a whole person.

We need to talk about it

There are two things that made me realize how important this post is for me to write.  Again, it focuses on personal stories, but I have a point, I promise.  If you would like, read along and wait for the point.

1. I have been working on training college student leaders for the past two weeks now, and one of the big parts of this training is social justice training.  We are working to make our college as inclusive as possible, and make it a positive place for all people and all identities.  This starts with student leaders.  Most of the activities we did with the students were met with mixed results.  Some people had trouble understanding their privilege.  There was a lot of guilt associated with some of the activities.  Other people were extremely triggered because of feelings of oppression and hurt that came up.  One of these students was my biggest lesson in this training.  Because of the identity this student had, they had been oppressed on a daily basis.  This student was frustrated, and sometimes left the sessions crying because they were so triggered.  The thing that got me though, is near the end of our two week training, the student found their voice.  And shared stories. 

This made me realize how important storytelling is.  I have often heard about it, and in teaching students about leadership and social justice, I preached the importance of storytelling.  But I never understood just how powerful it is until this training.  Storytelling, especially our personal stories, really make oppression personal.  It gives a face to something that you hear about in passing, but never really think about.  For me, it forces me to take action as opposed to just saying "oh, that sucks...."

2. In the past few weeks I have also been doing a lot of work with sexual assault on the campus.  Every year we do a training on sexual assault for our student leaders and for the first-year class.  Cool, and I typically volunteer every year.  Except this year was different.  This year, it was personal for me.  And I had a really tough time dealing with that.  And it made me realize that I needed to heal.  And how am I going to heal anything if I refuse to confront it?


So here's my storytelling/social justice spin on my points.  Let's talk about sexual assault and sexual misconduct.  Let's talk about how this is still such a huge stigma in society.  And let's talk about how most people don't even understand what it means to be sexually assaulted.

I don't share my story.  It has taken me so long to come to terms with my story and actually realize I don't have fault in what happened, and I still am not there yet.  But I am realizing more and more that I need to share and I need to put it out there that society in general still doesn't understand sexual assault.

I was manipulated and coerced by someone I trusted and was in a relationship with.  Yes, this is a form of sexual assault.  In New York state, and in most people's minds.  I'm not saying this looking for sympathy or support; I'm fine and working on this.  As I said, I haven't really shared this with anyone.  But for the few that I have shared, here are some of the reactions:

"Well, why didn't you just leave?"  "It's not sexual assault if it's consensual."  "Ok, so?"  Or even nothing, and some people made a joke out of it all.  There were several times when I disclosed I was in an abusive/unhealthy relationship, and people just shrugged it away.

Let's talk about this.  I don't blame individual people, because I honestly think society doesn't do a good job of education when it comes to sexual assault.  When I got reactions like this, I burrowed myself deeper, placing the blame on myself more and more.  And it seems like a contradiction- I am still embarassed by the fact that I have had so much education when it comes to sexual assault.  I have been a trained advocate for 6 years now.  And really?  This could happen to me?

We need to start talking about it.  We need to start talking about respecting people, and we need to start making society a safe place for people to share their stories without being oppressed.  We need to make society a place where sexual assaults don't happen, because people are respectful and don't try to coerce control on others. 

And here's where the points come into play.  Storytelling.  If survivors are embarassed of their experience, and if they have my experience where there's not a lot of support from the general population, how the hell are we going to know the real story? 

As a side note, I also participated in a role playing activity to train these student leaders about dealing with situations, and I volunteered to play the sexual assault victim for students to "confront."  It was a 10 minute role play that I did 5 times, and before it happened, I was super nervous.  Like, I wanted to vomit and punch something at the same time.  But to my surprise, it was a really healing experience.  I was able to tell my story in a "safe" environment, meaning I don't think anyone that went through and confronted me actually thought the story I was telling was my own.  So I was able to tell my story, for the first time, and hear my voice.  And it felt good.  It felt good to actually acknowledge that this is my reality.  I hadn't had that opportunity before.  And that helps to heal.

So storytelling, in my opinion, is a two-fold positive thing.  It helps the person telling the story heal, it brings the experience into reality so they can confront and start to deal with it, and empowers the person to understand their experience.  Storytelling also is beneficial to the people hearing the story, because it puts a personal spin on the injustice and causes people to have a more direct emotional response than just a passing random statistic.  Again, just my experience, but I wanted to share it.

Now is where the social justice part comes into play.  In my experience, storytelling was not a positive thing a first.  The people I told my story to weren't receiving of it, didn't believe me, didn't understand.  So what can we do, every single one of us, do to make sure that we are open to any story that wants to be told?  It doesn't have to be about sexual assault.  It can be about any injustice or oppression, or anything at all.  If someone is strong and is choosing to disclose their story, we all need to be an open, safe, and supportive venue for them to tell their story.  So what are you doing to do in order to be this for someone?

This is my challenge for everyone that reads this blog post.  Think about what you can do to be that person.  What can you do and how can you act if someone chooses to disclose something to you?  How can you validate their story and be that source of comfort for them?  All I was looking for was someone to validate the fact that I was feeling terrible.  I wasn't looking for someone to be my personal counselor, I wasn't looking for someone to solve my problems.  I was solely looking for someone that would validate the fact that I went through a terrible situation, and I have every right to feel the way I was feeling.  And that I couldn't find.  So that's my challenge.  I challenge you to be that person.  The one that listens.  The one that makes it ok for people to feel the way they are feeling, whatever the feeling is. 

My personal counselor:

The Little Things

I wish people would realize the impact they have on others.  I get that everyone is different and reacts to people in different ways.  So let me tell you about my experience.

I am a person that is highly influenced by my surroundings.  My physical surroundings, the people around me, even the weather.  I get a lot of my social cues from other people, so a kind word or an open stance goes a really long way with me.

The past few weeks have been tough for me in many different ways.  I've felt up in the air, out of control of everything going on, and I felt fuzzy and out of place.  A lot has been happening to me that isn't in my control, and I think this past weekend was my time to snap back into gear.  So needless to say, a lot of feelings were happening and I wasn't the happiest of people lately.

But here's what makes me happy.  The little interactions with people.  I bet they didn't even realize how much of an impact they have had on me.  On Saturday, I decided I needed to be proactive and get some adult things done.  One of those things was picking up my drycleaning that had been sitting at the store for over a month.  I had completely forgotten about it, and was embarrassed about having to pick it up after such a long time.  But the minute I walked into the store, the woman working was so nice.  She asked me about my weekend, and she reassured me that my clothes hadn't been there long.  She talked with me about their policy on getting rid of clothing, and was incredibly genuine with her interaction.  In a world of hustle and bustle, where you rush and text instead of having personal interactions, this woman was a breath of fresh air.  She took the time to chat with me.  And she acted like she truly did care about me and my answers.  I don't know her name.  I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me.  But I know in that moment, I felt important.

Today was another great example. I was walking to my apartment during the day, and a couple of workers I am friendly with stopped me to chat.  They were on their work break, and we were talking about some maintenance things happening at my job, and one of them all of a sudden told me what a good job I was doing and making their jobs easier.  He gave me a hug, too.  I was so surprised, as this was completely out of the ordinary.  Sure, I am friendly with them and we always chat, but the fact that they both showed genuine appreciation for me filled my heart with joy.

Or the fact that I can contact someone late at night, and go on road trips and meet up with people randomly. That there are people that care about me enough to be spontaneous and understand when I need to clear my thoughts.

There is a reason I don't have an EZ Pass in New York state.  Sure, having that pass would be so convenient.  I could just fly by toll booths, not have to worry about having money and coin on me at all times,  and not wait in long lines.  But I don't want to.  Because I would be missing the human interaction.  As I said, I am highly impacted by my surroundings, so even if a random toll booth worker smiles at me and tells me to have a good day, I feel a little brighter inside.  It makes all the difference in the world.

I'm telling these stories for a couple reasons.  First of all, I think we all need to take the time to think about the little things.  Maybe you aren't like me, and maybe you don't become impacted by others and your surroundings.  That's fine, but there are some of us that are.  The fact that we all can do such small things, but make such a positive difference is amazing.  A genuine smile.  A genuine care for a stranger.  A genuine compliment.  These things can make someone's day or even week.  I know it's made mine.

The second part of this is that I often get scared by society today.  This is going to make me sound really old, but there isn't a lot of personal interaction anymore.  I have gone entire days without talking to a single person. Sure, I love to text, but it misses a lot.  Texting is so easy and beneficial in a lot of ways.  But face to face talks and phone conversations can mean so much more.  I work with college students, and so many times, these students have no clue how to interact with people.  I feel that we all are missing key components of life, which are those genuine human interactions.

Here's my thought.  I think we all need to be conscious of our lives and our interactions.  We need to consider how we are connecting with people, and how we come off to people.  I truly believe a small gesture like a genuine smile can make all the difference in the world.  So why can't we all just do it?  Smile at a stranger.  Show genuine interest in a person's story.  Make a genuine compliment.  What's it going to hurt?  I bet nothing, and only make someone's life better.

I'll weigh in on that!

In a effort to be more honest with myself, I have been thinking a lot about body image and weight and health.  And because I promised to hold myself accountable to my feelings and not hide them away, what better way to do that than write about it in a public forum? 

The other night, I experienced a very common occurrence.  A very small, thin individual sat down on a bench, and the bench collapsed.  The individual wasn't hurt, and the source was that the bench was not put up right, so anyone who would have sat on the bench would have made it collapse.  However, that did not  change the laughter.  And I admit, I laughed too, it was really funny to see someone at one moment squatting to sit down, and the next minute on the floor.  And then the comments came in.  And I am sure you know what those comments were....

It got me thinking, and I don't think this is a unique experience.  If someone that was overweight would have sat on that bench and collapsed, the comments wouldn't have been funny.  How many of us would have said "wow, that bench doesn't support the weight," or something to that effect?  When in all honesty, that bench can and does support up to 1,500 pounds.  But we don't think of that.  We only see the body size of the person.

I am someone that has struggled with their weight and body image my entire life.  My entire family is large, and even to the point where some family members have medical conditions because of their weight.  In a family that needs to order special clothing for their size, I am really the odd person out.  Ok, personal disclosure... this is scary.  I am, what I consider, an average size.  I wear a size 8-10, depending on the brand, and I weight about 140 with my thigh muscles.  I probably weight about half of what my sister weighs.  Which is fine.  But my entire life, there has been this huge conflicting disconnect in my brain when it comes to body image and weight, and it's hard to deal with.

In my family, I am called "skinny minny."  I am constantly told that I am wasting away, and I am so thin.  In society, I am told that I am too big, I can be a plus sized model, and I have too many curves.  It's confusing and so different.

When I was in high school, I wanted to fit in.  I wanted to be the cheerleader and the popular person, and I thought the best way to do that would be to be skinny.  I basically ruined my metabolism those years, by eating only about 400 calories a day.  I understand how unhealthy that is, but at the time, I couldn't think of any other way to feel better about myself.  At lunch, I would buy a bottle of water and a bowl of 100 calorie cereal, and feel proud of myself.  But here's the thing...it doesn't make sense.  My self worth is not tied into my weight.  When I lived in Arkansas, I was the heaviest I have ever been, and I was also the happiest I have ever been.  Because I chose to live my life, not worry about what others see in me. 

This is my issue.  Sizeism is here, and it's very very real.  Subconscious thoughts, mutterings under breath, blatant discrimination, it's all here and you can see it every single day.  The fact that the average woman in America wears a size 16, yet you don't see a single woman over 120 pounds in popular media is a great example.  The fact that young children can't find larger sizes in the "popular" stores is alienating.  The fact that if a person of average size sits on a chair and it breaks and the comments are different than if it were a person of small size is discriminatory.  This is all very hurtful, and leads to a lot of unhealthy behaviors.

Studies have shown that the general population considers people that are overweight to be incompetent.  Just by judging their appearance.  How the hell do you know what a person is capable of just by looking at them?  Why are we, the general population, judging people based on the number on their scale? 

I don't want to go into the whole reasoning why people weigh they way they do.  I understand there are many reasons people can be overweight.  But this is not what this blog is about.  It's about understanding that regardless of why, regardless of the reason people weigh what they do, they are people.  And larger society is discriminatory, unfair, and has very unrealistic expectations.

Here's my thing.  Who cares what people weigh?  What difference or matter is it to you?  Why can't we treat people like people, instead of pre-judging based on appearance?  I have really struggled with my weight and body image, simply because society gives us a standard for what is appropriate.  But what I think we don't understand is that we can change that standard, and have no standard at all!

It's not about weight.  It's about health.  It's not about a number, it's about how you feel inside.  Weight is just another example of society working to create this "otherness," this sense that there is a norm and there are people that don't fit into that norm.  But I am saying there doesn't have to be a norm.  We all should be free to be who we are.

Discrimination comes in all forms.  It's not just about blatant things.  Here's my challenge to you.  Just think about your interactions with people.  Think and check yourself.  What are your assumptions when you approach different people?  What are you changing about yourself based on who you approach?  If we can all make a pledge to not treat people differently because of their size, maybe there wouldn't be so many bad things.  Maybe people wouldn't feel pressured to be a certain way and exhibit unhealthy behaviors.  Maybe this world could be a better place.  And that's all I ask.

Why I won't see The Lorax

I would like to start this post by saying, I apologize Dr. Seuss, for doing this on your birthday.  I love Dr. Seuss with everything, and as a fellow Schenectady resident for a time in his life, it pains me to write this post.  But bear with me, I promise this is not a personal attack on Dr. Seuss, nor is it a personal attack against the book The Lorax, which is one of my favorite children's books.

Also as a caveat, I have not seen the movie.  I plan to not see the movie, I am only basing my arguments here off of what I saw in the advertisements.

So here's my issue.  In one of the preview advertisements for this movie, there is a scene where a character says something to the effect of "you can't hit a girl," and the other character says "that's a girl?"  Or something like that.  This is my issue.

First of all, if you have read my blog posts before, you know that gender is a hot button topic for me.  I hate that this small example of people making fun of gender ambiguity is still a focus of "cheap laughs."  Who cares of you cannot tell is someone is a girl or a boy?  What is to say that there are people that fall into only those two categories?  It's frustrating to me that this is still something that is considered humorous, that if you don't fit into defined categories, you are considered "weird," a "freak," or at least laughable.  It's hurtful and dangerous to our society.

What makes it worse, in my opinion, is that this movie is being marketed to children and the general public.  I can guarantee you, if this scene is in the actual movie, that people will laugh at that line.  And that hurts me, because it is telling young children and the general population that you need to stick to very defined gender roles in order to fit into society.  If you are female, this movie line is saying you have to dress like a "female," and act "feminine."  Otherwise you will be ridiculed.

I fully understand that this movie is one extremely small example of these norms being pounded into people's heads every single minute of every single day.  I fully understand that most people don't even give this type of comment second thoughts.  But imagine, just for a moment, if you don't fit into these norms that society feeds you.  What if you feel more comfortable being genderqueer or ambiguous with your dress?  And you happen to see people laughing at a character on a movie screen that you maybe identify with?  How do you think that person feels?  Do you think they feel it's safe for them to be themselves?  Doubtful.

I guess I get disappointed with movie studios and media when they use cheap and hurtful things like making fun of individuals that don't fit into categories laid out by society just for cheap laughs.  People are smart- there are some awesome movies out there that are incredibly smart and incredibly funny, without causing harm to people and identities. 

Why, instead of the media and society teaching people that it's wrong to be different, can't media and society teach people it's awesome to be who you are?  For people that, for example, are genderqueer and don't fit their gender roles, embrace that and consider it awesome?  What a great lesson that would be.  Where is the mainstream movie about that?

Therefore, I will not be going to see The Lorax.  Not because I think me not buying a ticket is a way to protest, because $9 probably won't affect much in the movie studios.  But because I feel I would get frustrated at the movie, and I don't want to pay $9 to be frustrated.  Even the popcorn isn't worth that.  I'm also not telling you not to see it.  Like I said, The Lorax is one of my favorite children's book with an incredibly important message about the environment.  I would just ask that, if you do happen to see the movie, or anything that makes fun of individuals that are not conforming to social norms, to have discussions about it and think about the message that is being received.  That's all I ask.

And because I can, here is an adorable picture of my lovable cats, who probably would cuddle with the Lorax, would he be real:

The toughest lesson to learn

I know I typically talk about social justice and things that are bothering me about society, but I feel like this is an issue that people can relate to.  I think it's an important issue too, so forgive me for being personal for a bit.

Life is hard, I know that.  I also know the phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all."  But what happens when you give your heart away to someone, and they stomp on it, and they also stomp on many other people's hearts?

Specifically, I brought someone into my life that I trusted.  I really did, and opened myself up to this person, which is a rare thing for me.  This person was toxic in every way possible, but I didn't realize it until it was too late.  Until this person influenced and became toxic for other people in my life, and I feel this responsibility for it.  If I would have noticed the warning signs earlier, I could have stopped this.  If I were only stronger, I would have stood up for myself.

Here's the lesson I cannot quite grasp yet.  I don't trust my own feelings.  I am an analytical person.  For my student affairs/psych friends, on the MBTI scale, I am 90% T.  I don't use my feelings often to make decisions, and rational thinking is my way of going.  I can always justify things in my mind, and I can always reason with myself to give people "one more chance."  But sometimes, that gets me in a lot of trouble.

My recent example is not the first time, and it probably won't be my last time of me not trusting my feelings.  I have allowed myself to let things go on way longer than they should have for many reasons.  And it shames me to say that in 2 major instances in my life, it has a detrimental effect on me and others around me.

I can't just wake up in the morning and feel better.  I can't just wake up in the morning and feel stronger for "getting through" a tough situation.  Yes, it was and still is a really tough situation.  I am slowly getting out of my depression and fear, but at the same time, I have these lingering thoughts.  Why wasn't I strong enough?  I should have known better.

My biggest downfall is I think too much.  I have emotions, don't get me wrong.  But I don't always pay attention to them or know what to do with them.  And then it leads to these disastrous situations in which I am broken, others are broken, and all I want to do is fix it, but I can't even fix myself. 

The toughest lesson for me to learn is to trust my instincts.  Rational thinking is so good, it really is, and I pride myself in having those critical thinking skills, that common sense, and the ability to see all sides of a situation.  But sometimes, there is more to the world.  You can't just think.  You have to listen to your emotion and know what to do with it.  It's tough.  I have so much disappointment for myself, and I am trying to learn lessons from these situations, but it is hard.

I understand that this feels very "victim" like, and I feel that way at the moment.  I also feel like I don't want to be called a victim, because that means someone else has control over me.  This whole blog is me trying to regain control over myself and not allowing anyone, especially one toxic person, to control my emotions or thoughts.  Therefore, I would like to be called empowered.  I once was victimized; I am now empowered to take my own control back and slowly become the best person I can be, learning all the lessons I can.  I know it will be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs, and it has been tough already.  But I am ready to heal.  I am ready to forgive myself, and I am ready to think about trusting again.  It's going to take time.  I know that.  But these are lessons I need to learn.

So this is my personal blog for my feelings.  I don't want sympathy or empathy, as I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me that are my support.  I want accountability, and I want to hold myself in check.  Yes, life is hard, but what's even harder is forgiving yourself.  And with this blog, me admitting to the general population my true feelings and that I was victimized, it is my way of helping me not ignore my feelings and pain, but instead taking ownership over them.  And that my friends, is what is going to help me heal.  Taking control of myself and my emotions and not letting toxic people ruin me.  I will learn that, and I will heal.  Thank you all for listening.

Phrases that tick me off: "opposite sex."

If you have read one or two of my blogs, you know that there are things that happen to piss me off.  Phrases people say, not understanding what they mean, are the biggest things that bother me.  Take for example, "opposite sex."  Now, in theory, there seems to be nothing wrong with this.  The general population has decided that there are 2 sexes: male and female, and because of that, they are different and opposite in all ways, and that is that.

However, I don't agree.  On many levels.  I don't agree that there are 2 sexes.  I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex. 

First things first.  I believe sex is on a spectrum.  I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind.  There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes.  There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris.  So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum?  I understand that there are biological differences.  But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.

I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be.  Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense.  On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically.  But then there is everything in between.  So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes.  But that isn't correct.

Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise.  There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking.  This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me.  There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.

I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex."  That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into. 

Those are just my thoughts and ramblings.  I am open for a debate.... what do you think?  Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?