Relationships are all about trust. You trust that the other person is telling you the truth. You trust that they are opening themselves up to you. You trust that they are doing what they say they are doing, and that they are feeling what they say they are feeling. You trust them with your deepest secrets. You trust them to carry your heart, and you trust them that they aren't going to hurt you.
But trust gets lost sometimes. And sometimes, it's hard to regain. In my last relationship, I did some very uncharacteristic of me. I jumped in, all in. I didn't separate the emotional from the logical. For some reason, it was an automatic, no questions asked, I adore this person, and I am going to give this person my heart. And it was great for a while. In my previous relationships, I was the logical thinker. I was the one that didn't turn on my emotions, and rationalized everything, and even was able to rationalize myself out of those relationships. And then I moved on quickly, because I don't dwell on my emotions for long periods of time.
But this one was very different. My emotions were in control. I don't know why. I still can't rationalize why my brain was shut out of the decision making process. It felt good. It felt like real love. It felt that we had the whole world.
And then it happened. I got a text message. A text, while I was at work, stating that they cheated. At least they had the honesty to tell me. But the dumb thing about the situation is that I HELD ON. I was told it didn't mean anything. I was told I was the only one, I was told it would never happen again. And I trusted. We had built up such a great relationship, my heart couldn't let go. Mind you, my brain had told me from the start that something wasn't connecting, but obviously I couldn't listen because my heart was speaking louder.
Here's the thing. It doesn't matter why I held on. But I did. And for four months after the admittance of cheating, we stayed in this partnership that never was happy. After I finally ended it and stopped all communication, I was finally able to start healing. And here's where I am now.
I'm not mad. My brain has started to chime in again, and with that, I have been able to rationalize why the cheating happened. It's not right, I'm not trying to justify that. But what I can justify is that my ex was immature. My ex needed instant gratification, and was a very inwards person. With that, the guilt of cheating wouldn't let her move on. Even now, I think there's this desperate need for me to forgive her so that she can feel better about her actions. But that's not my problem. My focus right now is on healing. I feel like I lost myself a bit in this relationship. I lost the rational part of myself, the part that I have grown to love and trust. So I'm focusing on regaining myself, and regaining that trust for myself.
When your partner cheats on you, it makes you look like a total fool. Cheating is plan and simple, a selfish act. It's an act that does not allow that person to think about their other. It is an act that doesn't allow that person to think about the future, or the consequences, until it's too late. For the person that got cheated on, it's a sign that things weren't going well for one person. I truly and honestly believe that if someone is truly in love with another person, and that couple has promised monogamy, there is no need for temptation. Any temptation or thought of another person wouldn't be taken seriously, because if you are truly happy with what you have, that person would always be your thought and priority. So when I was cheated on, I felt defeated. I felt like my relationship was a lie. I still feel, to an extent, that my relationship was based on a lie. Because the other person wasn't being honest with me. Obviously there was something that made her want that temptation.
So here I am, left to look like a fool. What makes cheating even worse is when after you break up, your partner goes off and is happy with the person they cheated on you with. Again, the whole concept of "it didn't mean anything" obviously wasn't true. And there's another example of my trust being betrayed. I feel like a complete fool for not ending things sooner, and for trusting things could get better. And to make matters worse, we run in the same circle. We are going to run into each other. I can't keep avoiding her to continue to focus on myself. So I have to figure out what I want to do.
Do I start to build a friendship with this person who treated me badly? How do you build up that trust again? Can I build up that trust again? Do I want to trust someone that has proven so deeply that they cannot be trusted? Can people change?
Hurt can take a really long time to heal. Finding confidence in yourself again can take a really long time. I don't have the answers, and I certainly haven't healed fully. I don't believe in an eye for an eye, so I don't want to cause any hurt or pain. But I do want to make things as easy as possible in the future. Sometimes I wish I could skip ahead to the part where I feel much better, my mental health is stable, and I have a great support system near me. But maybe part of growing and becoming better people is having to go through this journey and learn from it.
Here's my big takeaways from this relationship. Listen to yourself. Listen to your red flags. Truth be told, I am an awesome catch (I'm not just saying that to toot my own horn). If there is someone that isn't giving me what I deserve, I need to acknowledge that and be confident in myself to ask for that. And be ok with not allowing people into my life that don't give me what I deserve, friendship or romantic partnership.
So my promise to myself is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I am going to be fine, I am going to be happy, and I am going to heal and be much better. I am going to gain confidence and stand up for myself, and I am going to acknowledge that not everyone that pursues me in a romantic sense is good for me. And if they are not deserving of what I have to offer, I don't need them in my life.
Maybe someday I'll be writing a blog thanking my ex for cheating on me. But until then, I will continue to work on my healing, and I will continue to celebrate myself and keep learning to love myself. And know that trust is a fickle thing, and to tread carefully.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Roller Derby as a women's sport
As you may know, I started playing with a new derby league when I moved out West. For the most part, I have truly enjoyed the experience. But there's something that's really bothering me.
All of the coaches and trainers in this league have been calling the skaters "ladies." I don't like being described as a "lady." I don't like the word at all. This is not to negate anyone that does like the word - I have a very dear friend who loves calling herself a lady, and I think that's great. But that's not who I am.
To me, there's a connotation to the word lady that is innately degrading. To me, a "lady" is someone that is weak, someone that isn't able to do equal tasks or work to other people, and is a domesticated, "safe" person. Society has shown that ladies are dainty, they don't do anything wrong, and they are treated with safety gloves. I personally do not identify as a lady, and I think that overall, when someone calls you a lady, it's a degrading concept.
To add to that, one of the teams has a male coach, who continually called the skaters "ladies." I just feel that this makes it that much worse, for several reasons. First of all, this coach didn't skate. He immediately separated himself from the skaters and himself, and stood in the middle with his street clothes on. Now, I know that's what technically a coach should do; but I think there are some different power dynamics that come into play when a male-identified individual comes out, separating himself from all the other people out there, and tells the skaters what to do. All while calling the skaters "ladies." So not only was he not identifying himself as a part of the group, but then to make the gap larger, he identified the skaters as "ladies," and himself as "not a lady."
I have had male coaches before. In my first league, there were several male-identified skaters that were voted as coaches. I think the difference from that league to this experience is that with my first league, the coaches were skaters. They identified themselves with the group they were training, and did the drills with them. They were on skates, they made themselves vulnerable just like the other skaters, and minimized that power differential. Additionally, I don't believe the term "ladies" was used from a coach. This might be because there were male-identified skaters in those practices most of the time, but it wasn't as might of a power differential in my first league.
Add to that the concept that roller derby is supposed to be an inclusive, safe environment for all people. Roller derby is one of the first sports that has allowed gender non-conforming or trans folks to participate and compete, which is a source of pride for the community. So by using the term "lady," it's negating the concept that all people should be comfortable here.
If you are reading this, and if you are involved in a community, whether it be roller derby or otherwise, be conscious of your word choice. It makes a difference. Instead of using the word "lady," let's use the word "folks." Or my favorite in roller derby, "skaters." We are not all ladies; we are not all defined by this word. Let's work on making this a more inclusive world by understanding that sometimes our words oppress others, and doing something about it.
All of the coaches and trainers in this league have been calling the skaters "ladies." I don't like being described as a "lady." I don't like the word at all. This is not to negate anyone that does like the word - I have a very dear friend who loves calling herself a lady, and I think that's great. But that's not who I am.
To me, there's a connotation to the word lady that is innately degrading. To me, a "lady" is someone that is weak, someone that isn't able to do equal tasks or work to other people, and is a domesticated, "safe" person. Society has shown that ladies are dainty, they don't do anything wrong, and they are treated with safety gloves. I personally do not identify as a lady, and I think that overall, when someone calls you a lady, it's a degrading concept.
To add to that, one of the teams has a male coach, who continually called the skaters "ladies." I just feel that this makes it that much worse, for several reasons. First of all, this coach didn't skate. He immediately separated himself from the skaters and himself, and stood in the middle with his street clothes on. Now, I know that's what technically a coach should do; but I think there are some different power dynamics that come into play when a male-identified individual comes out, separating himself from all the other people out there, and tells the skaters what to do. All while calling the skaters "ladies." So not only was he not identifying himself as a part of the group, but then to make the gap larger, he identified the skaters as "ladies," and himself as "not a lady."
I have had male coaches before. In my first league, there were several male-identified skaters that were voted as coaches. I think the difference from that league to this experience is that with my first league, the coaches were skaters. They identified themselves with the group they were training, and did the drills with them. They were on skates, they made themselves vulnerable just like the other skaters, and minimized that power differential. Additionally, I don't believe the term "ladies" was used from a coach. This might be because there were male-identified skaters in those practices most of the time, but it wasn't as might of a power differential in my first league.
Add to that the concept that roller derby is supposed to be an inclusive, safe environment for all people. Roller derby is one of the first sports that has allowed gender non-conforming or trans folks to participate and compete, which is a source of pride for the community. So by using the term "lady," it's negating the concept that all people should be comfortable here.
If you are reading this, and if you are involved in a community, whether it be roller derby or otherwise, be conscious of your word choice. It makes a difference. Instead of using the word "lady," let's use the word "folks." Or my favorite in roller derby, "skaters." We are not all ladies; we are not all defined by this word. Let's work on making this a more inclusive world by understanding that sometimes our words oppress others, and doing something about it.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Skating and Thinking
I had my first self-date today! Granted, it was a pretty safe one, but I did something by myself, and had a great time.
I went roller skating! Ok, so the purpose was twofold. I am going to start practicing with the local derby team tomorrow, so I wanted to see what the floor was like at the rink they practice at. It's grippy. I don't have hard enough wheels. So now taking donations for wheels with a 95 hardness :)
The other purpose was to get out of the apartment, and commit to my self dates. It was good. I have to admit, I was so nervous walking into that place alone. And then I get there, and there are world champion speed skaters zooming around on the floor. Good. But I skated. I got a hang of the floor, and it felt so good. There's something about my skates that make me feel amazing. I also had the urge to hip-check a few children, so I think I'm ready for contact.
But here's the thing I wanted to talk about. I had a lot of time today to reflect, and I have been reflecting on my grandma. A little bit of background: I grew up right next door to my grandparents. My grandma was my main babysitter, and basically raised me throughout my life. My grandma didn't have a mean bone in her body. She never judged anyone. She worked hard to make life better for other people. She was the most selfless, caring, loving, and amazing person I have ever met. If anyone were to ask me the person that has had the biggest influence on me in my life, it would be my grandma. No hesitations. My grandma was the only one in my family that has ever said she's proud of me. She always supported me and thought I was amazing, no matter what. Her hugs were my favorite feeling in the world.
Grandma passed away in November after a really short battle with ovarian cancer. Of course she never took care of herself, and the cancer was too far gone when we found it. Chemo didn't work. I flew to Minnesota and took grandma to her second round of chemo, and I keep replaying that day in my mind. We were sitting there, her hooked up to an IV and her chemo treatment, and me sitting next to her drinking hot chocolate. Every single person that stopped by and said hi or asked if she was ok, she introduced me to them. And with this huge smile on her face, she would say "this is my granddaughter from New York. She plays roller derby." And everyone acted like they were interested, and we had a short conversation, and then they left. Grandma was so proud of me. That day, she told me about how she ran away to Chicago after she graduated high school, and how she thinks of me as a version of herself. We were the wild women that left the family to go and make our own adventures.
In that conversation, grandma also said a few times, "please come home." At the time, I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't go home. I can still hear those words in my head, and hear the urgency in her voice. It breaks my heart to think that my grandma wanted me closer, and I didn't do anything about it.
My grandma was always the person who lifted me up and made me think that things will be alright. It doesn't matter if she knew what was going on in my life, but she could always read in my voice if I needed a kind word, or some encouragement. She always made me feel loved, cared for, and supported. No matter what.
I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. As I struggle with my mental health and I struggle with my emotional well being and all the transitions in my life, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my grandma. I obviously can't. I don't know how to get through my life without her. I don't know how to be confident in myself without her. I don't know how to keep moving forward without her. I just want her to tell me it's alright.
So this is my challenge. I need to mourn my grandma properly. I need to still have her in my life, but in a different way. And be ok with that. I need to find confidence within myself, and not from an external source. The last words my grandma said to me was "always remember that I love you very much." And I do, I will always remember that.
I miss her. More than I can write. I know time heals, and I know that it'll get easier once things get better. But right now, I just need to remember that I know my grandma is proud of me. I know she would be happy that I am continuing the "wild women" adventures. I love you grandma. I promise to do you proud.
I went roller skating! Ok, so the purpose was twofold. I am going to start practicing with the local derby team tomorrow, so I wanted to see what the floor was like at the rink they practice at. It's grippy. I don't have hard enough wheels. So now taking donations for wheels with a 95 hardness :)
The other purpose was to get out of the apartment, and commit to my self dates. It was good. I have to admit, I was so nervous walking into that place alone. And then I get there, and there are world champion speed skaters zooming around on the floor. Good. But I skated. I got a hang of the floor, and it felt so good. There's something about my skates that make me feel amazing. I also had the urge to hip-check a few children, so I think I'm ready for contact.
But here's the thing I wanted to talk about. I had a lot of time today to reflect, and I have been reflecting on my grandma. A little bit of background: I grew up right next door to my grandparents. My grandma was my main babysitter, and basically raised me throughout my life. My grandma didn't have a mean bone in her body. She never judged anyone. She worked hard to make life better for other people. She was the most selfless, caring, loving, and amazing person I have ever met. If anyone were to ask me the person that has had the biggest influence on me in my life, it would be my grandma. No hesitations. My grandma was the only one in my family that has ever said she's proud of me. She always supported me and thought I was amazing, no matter what. Her hugs were my favorite feeling in the world.
Grandma passed away in November after a really short battle with ovarian cancer. Of course she never took care of herself, and the cancer was too far gone when we found it. Chemo didn't work. I flew to Minnesota and took grandma to her second round of chemo, and I keep replaying that day in my mind. We were sitting there, her hooked up to an IV and her chemo treatment, and me sitting next to her drinking hot chocolate. Every single person that stopped by and said hi or asked if she was ok, she introduced me to them. And with this huge smile on her face, she would say "this is my granddaughter from New York. She plays roller derby." And everyone acted like they were interested, and we had a short conversation, and then they left. Grandma was so proud of me. That day, she told me about how she ran away to Chicago after she graduated high school, and how she thinks of me as a version of herself. We were the wild women that left the family to go and make our own adventures.
In that conversation, grandma also said a few times, "please come home." At the time, I couldn't explain to her why I couldn't go home. I can still hear those words in my head, and hear the urgency in her voice. It breaks my heart to think that my grandma wanted me closer, and I didn't do anything about it.
My grandma was always the person who lifted me up and made me think that things will be alright. It doesn't matter if she knew what was going on in my life, but she could always read in my voice if I needed a kind word, or some encouragement. She always made me feel loved, cared for, and supported. No matter what.
I'm going through a really tough time in my life right now. As I struggle with my mental health and I struggle with my emotional well being and all the transitions in my life, all I want to do is pick up the phone and call my grandma. I obviously can't. I don't know how to get through my life without her. I don't know how to be confident in myself without her. I don't know how to keep moving forward without her. I just want her to tell me it's alright.
So this is my challenge. I need to mourn my grandma properly. I need to still have her in my life, but in a different way. And be ok with that. I need to find confidence within myself, and not from an external source. The last words my grandma said to me was "always remember that I love you very much." And I do, I will always remember that.
I miss her. More than I can write. I know time heals, and I know that it'll get easier once things get better. But right now, I just need to remember that I know my grandma is proud of me. I know she would be happy that I am continuing the "wild women" adventures. I love you grandma. I promise to do you proud.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Welcome Back and New Changes!
Welcome back to me to the blogging world! I quit writing this blog for several reasons, but life situations have happened to me in which I need an outlet. Blogging and writing have always been a great outlet for me, so here I am.
Here's the biggest change. I moved across the country. I currently reside in Washington state, and have been now for 4 days. In my 4 days, I have actually rented an apartment for the first time ever, gotten renter's insurance, and visited Ikea twice. I feel very adult.
One may be asking why I decided to make the trek across the country. Me, a uHaul, and my two cats driving for five days straight, staying in Motel 6s, and eating lots of fast food. Well, that's a good story. The short answer for anyone that asks is that I got a great job. And I really did. It's a job that aligns with my career goals, seems supportive of me, and has free coffee. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, and a substantial pay raise. Perfection. But not quite.
When I started the job search months ago, I had a very different goal in mind. Yes, I wanted to have a better job in a better environment. But I also had someone in the Pacific Northwest that I wanted to be close to. We both wanted that. And then things went bad. We eventually ended things before I accepted the job, so that's not the reason at all why I am out here. That's not the purpose of this post though. Just some context for y'all.
So I got the job. I don't have anyone I want to be close to here anymore. And I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew for this job that may or may not be amazing. To a place that I may or may not grow to love. Away from people that I have grown so close to, and from people that I call family. But here's the thing. Everything I am doing, I need to reframe in my mind. I need to reframe why I moved out here. I need to reframe what my activities are going to be. I need to reframe my social life. All while healing from a broken heart and having constant triggers of this person I am trying to get over.
I guess I need some accountability. I have never had a broken heart quite like this before. I am generally a thinker- I can rationalize myself out of or into anything. But when my heart and all these feelings are involved, I don't know how to deal with it all. And rational thought is failing me for this situation. So I am making a pledge to myself to work on myself and grow to love myself and everything I have in life.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Looking to where I am now, I have lost a lot. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to have. I don't have the strong sense of self that I used to have. I want to gain that back. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy being me. I know I can do that. So here's what I want to do.
I pledge to start self-love again. I am going to take myself out on dates. As an extreme introvert, I HATE going places by myself. I hate walking into movies or restaurants, or even a business by myself, because I am afraid of what will happen. But guess what? I'm writing this from a coffee shop that I walked into all by myself. And I'm surviving! This is my first self-date. I figure these self-dates will be helpful in several ways. First of all, it'll allow me to explore my area. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I am going to love Washington. Hiking, beaches, camping, coffee, museums, there is SO MUCH to do here! I can't wait to explore it all. It's everything I love, in close distance. I can't wait.
Self-dates will also help me to get out of my comfort zone. I guarantee you that all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and cry my heart out, but I'm not going to do that. That's not going to solve anything. I am allowing myself to cry. I am allowing myself to feel sad sometimes, and to feel lonely sometimes. But I am also allowing myself to get up and do something about it. I want to find happiness in the small things in my life, and this is a way of doing that.
Additionally, self-dates are going to help me feel confident and productive. As an example, in my first self-date to the BlueBeard Coffee Shop (recommended by Autostraddle), I have changed my address on all my accounts, purchased renter's insurance, registered my cats (who knew I had to do that?) and paid off my car. I have also figured out where all the queer people are in this so called "Gayest City in America." Being productive helps me feel better about myself, thus boosting my confidence. See, it's a great cycle!
If you want to take this journey with me, I would love it. If you don't, no worries. You don't have to read these, but I hope that my blogging will help me actually complete these self-dates, and help me from getting too down on myself. Mistakes will happen. But hopefully I will slowly start to build my self-confidence again, and I'll start to become the person I know I am. That's what life is all about, right? Self discovery and becoming a better, stronger person all the time.
My goal is to write up each self-date here, along with any revelations or setbacks I have. I need to be completely honest with myself to continue my growth, so here it is. Welcome to my world.
PS: The cats are doing fine, in case you are wondering. As a cat lady, I can't not write about them too! Our new apartment has a large patio with glass sliding doors, along with a great window sill for them to sit on and watch the world outside. They love it, and while there is not a ton of running space, I think we'll be just fine!
Here's the biggest change. I moved across the country. I currently reside in Washington state, and have been now for 4 days. In my 4 days, I have actually rented an apartment for the first time ever, gotten renter's insurance, and visited Ikea twice. I feel very adult.
One may be asking why I decided to make the trek across the country. Me, a uHaul, and my two cats driving for five days straight, staying in Motel 6s, and eating lots of fast food. Well, that's a good story. The short answer for anyone that asks is that I got a great job. And I really did. It's a job that aligns with my career goals, seems supportive of me, and has free coffee. What more could I ask for? Oh yeah, and a substantial pay raise. Perfection. But not quite.
When I started the job search months ago, I had a very different goal in mind. Yes, I wanted to have a better job in a better environment. But I also had someone in the Pacific Northwest that I wanted to be close to. We both wanted that. And then things went bad. We eventually ended things before I accepted the job, so that's not the reason at all why I am out here. That's not the purpose of this post though. Just some context for y'all.
So I got the job. I don't have anyone I want to be close to here anymore. And I moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew for this job that may or may not be amazing. To a place that I may or may not grow to love. Away from people that I have grown so close to, and from people that I call family. But here's the thing. Everything I am doing, I need to reframe in my mind. I need to reframe why I moved out here. I need to reframe what my activities are going to be. I need to reframe my social life. All while healing from a broken heart and having constant triggers of this person I am trying to get over.
I guess I need some accountability. I have never had a broken heart quite like this before. I am generally a thinker- I can rationalize myself out of or into anything. But when my heart and all these feelings are involved, I don't know how to deal with it all. And rational thought is failing me for this situation. So I am making a pledge to myself to work on myself and grow to love myself and everything I have in life.
Hindsight is 20/20, right? Looking to where I am now, I have lost a lot. I don't have the confidence in myself that I used to have. I don't have the strong sense of self that I used to have. I want to gain that back. I want to be happy again. I want to be happy being me. I know I can do that. So here's what I want to do.
I pledge to start self-love again. I am going to take myself out on dates. As an extreme introvert, I HATE going places by myself. I hate walking into movies or restaurants, or even a business by myself, because I am afraid of what will happen. But guess what? I'm writing this from a coffee shop that I walked into all by myself. And I'm surviving! This is my first self-date. I figure these self-dates will be helpful in several ways. First of all, it'll allow me to explore my area. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I am going to love Washington. Hiking, beaches, camping, coffee, museums, there is SO MUCH to do here! I can't wait to explore it all. It's everything I love, in close distance. I can't wait.
Self-dates will also help me to get out of my comfort zone. I guarantee you that all I want to do right now is curl up in bed and cry my heart out, but I'm not going to do that. That's not going to solve anything. I am allowing myself to cry. I am allowing myself to feel sad sometimes, and to feel lonely sometimes. But I am also allowing myself to get up and do something about it. I want to find happiness in the small things in my life, and this is a way of doing that.
Additionally, self-dates are going to help me feel confident and productive. As an example, in my first self-date to the BlueBeard Coffee Shop (recommended by Autostraddle), I have changed my address on all my accounts, purchased renter's insurance, registered my cats (who knew I had to do that?) and paid off my car. I have also figured out where all the queer people are in this so called "Gayest City in America." Being productive helps me feel better about myself, thus boosting my confidence. See, it's a great cycle!
If you want to take this journey with me, I would love it. If you don't, no worries. You don't have to read these, but I hope that my blogging will help me actually complete these self-dates, and help me from getting too down on myself. Mistakes will happen. But hopefully I will slowly start to build my self-confidence again, and I'll start to become the person I know I am. That's what life is all about, right? Self discovery and becoming a better, stronger person all the time.
My goal is to write up each self-date here, along with any revelations or setbacks I have. I need to be completely honest with myself to continue my growth, so here it is. Welcome to my world.
PS: The cats are doing fine, in case you are wondering. As a cat lady, I can't not write about them too! Our new apartment has a large patio with glass sliding doors, along with a great window sill for them to sit on and watch the world outside. They love it, and while there is not a ton of running space, I think we'll be just fine!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
How to be "homeless"
A few years ago, one of my work colleagues was telling a story about how she coordinated a Toys for Tots drive. She collected hundreds of toys from an event, and then apparently forgot to drop the toys off at the donation site. So she jumped out of bed early one morning, no time to shower, and apparently, as she described herself, wasn't looking too pretty. She was in old sweats, her hair a mess, and was wearing some old Ugg boots on her feet.
When this woman pulled into the donation site, one of the volunteers apparently looked at her and said "sorry ma'am, we don't open until noon today," or something to that effect. The point is, the volunteer mistook my colleague for someone that wanted to pick out toys for her family, instead of someone that was coming to make a donation.
My colleague, and most of my work friends, loved this story. It was repeated every holiday season, and I am sure it still is. Everyone thought it was funny that someone that really wasn't homeless could very easily be mistaken for someone that was homeless, based solely on looking disheveled.
Additionally, have you seen the story that went around social media sites, in which a pastor "transformed" himself into a homeless man? And people treated him completely differently?
Here's my issue with stories like this. You cannot assume class status or homelessness based on looks. How does one transform into homeless? My thought would be to actually sell your house and have nowhere to call home. But this is not what this pastor did. This pastor just dressed in "grungy" clothing.
I can tell you that not all homeless people, or not all people in the lower-economic class are grungy.
When I was in college, I wanted to be a news reporter. I spent a week in Minneapolis, doing a special feature for my college news channel about homelessness in the city. I interviewed a lot of people that actually were homeless, and I started to learn a lot more about what it meant to be homeless. Yes, I will fully acknowledge that some people in this situation did not have the best hygiene or the best clothes. But there also are reasons for that. When you don't have a constant place to live, where do you get a consistent shower, sink, or even hygiene items?
But that is not always the case. I also met people that were wearing clean clothing, professional clothes, and smelled clean. I met people that were struggling to find work, a home, and a safe place for their family, but still looked well put together.
Here's my thing. Never assume someone's situation or class status based on their looks. You will never know what their situation is, you will never know their circumstance. There is no look to someone that is homeless. Everyone looks different, everyone has a different experience.
I think this look of homelessness also begs a larger issue, in that we can be doing more to help people that do not have a place to live. In doing my research in Minneapolis, I was able to attend a meeting by the X Committee, who I hope is still in existence today. This group was started by folks that were homeless, as a way to speak up for themselves and try to make changes and help out other homeless individuals. In listening to their stories, my biggest take-away was how hard it was to find a job. Even if someone has a job, it might not be enough to support themselves. And it's hard to get a job when you can't look socially "presentable" during the interview. And you have to carry all of your personal belongings into the interview. The X Committee, when I was there, was working on renting out lockers to folks going on job interviews, just so they didn't have to carry their belongings into a work setting. This is one very small, but very big improvement that can be made.
There is still a huge social stigma with homelessness. Society judges people based on their appearance, and based on where they are in life. I cannot even begin to count how many times people have told me not to feel sorry for homeless people, because they put themselves into that situation. Regardless of whether that is true or not (and I would argue it hardly ever is), why does it matter? Social justice isn't about judging people for how they got there, it's about making sure everyone feels like a human being. And by the way society treats folks that are homeless, I don't believe we are doing a good job.
It's not about just giving people money if they need it. It's about hearing their stories. Looking people in the eye, regardless of their situation. It's about treating people with respect, regardless of what they look like or smell like. It's about not assuming a person's situation based on their looks, because that just perpetuates a much larger issue in society. It's about speaking up and fighting these thoughts.
So my challenge to in, in this blog post, is to think about what you are saying when it comes to folks being homeless. Do you judge based on their appearance? What does that mean? Have you ever joked around with your friends and said they look homeless based on their messy appearance? I challenge you to just stop and think, because you can never assume a person's situation until you actually ask them. So do it. If you have questions or assumptions, just ask.
When this woman pulled into the donation site, one of the volunteers apparently looked at her and said "sorry ma'am, we don't open until noon today," or something to that effect. The point is, the volunteer mistook my colleague for someone that wanted to pick out toys for her family, instead of someone that was coming to make a donation.
My colleague, and most of my work friends, loved this story. It was repeated every holiday season, and I am sure it still is. Everyone thought it was funny that someone that really wasn't homeless could very easily be mistaken for someone that was homeless, based solely on looking disheveled.
Additionally, have you seen the story that went around social media sites, in which a pastor "transformed" himself into a homeless man? And people treated him completely differently?
Here's my issue with stories like this. You cannot assume class status or homelessness based on looks. How does one transform into homeless? My thought would be to actually sell your house and have nowhere to call home. But this is not what this pastor did. This pastor just dressed in "grungy" clothing.
I can tell you that not all homeless people, or not all people in the lower-economic class are grungy.
When I was in college, I wanted to be a news reporter. I spent a week in Minneapolis, doing a special feature for my college news channel about homelessness in the city. I interviewed a lot of people that actually were homeless, and I started to learn a lot more about what it meant to be homeless. Yes, I will fully acknowledge that some people in this situation did not have the best hygiene or the best clothes. But there also are reasons for that. When you don't have a constant place to live, where do you get a consistent shower, sink, or even hygiene items?
But that is not always the case. I also met people that were wearing clean clothing, professional clothes, and smelled clean. I met people that were struggling to find work, a home, and a safe place for their family, but still looked well put together.
Here's my thing. Never assume someone's situation or class status based on their looks. You will never know what their situation is, you will never know their circumstance. There is no look to someone that is homeless. Everyone looks different, everyone has a different experience.
I think this look of homelessness also begs a larger issue, in that we can be doing more to help people that do not have a place to live. In doing my research in Minneapolis, I was able to attend a meeting by the X Committee, who I hope is still in existence today. This group was started by folks that were homeless, as a way to speak up for themselves and try to make changes and help out other homeless individuals. In listening to their stories, my biggest take-away was how hard it was to find a job. Even if someone has a job, it might not be enough to support themselves. And it's hard to get a job when you can't look socially "presentable" during the interview. And you have to carry all of your personal belongings into the interview. The X Committee, when I was there, was working on renting out lockers to folks going on job interviews, just so they didn't have to carry their belongings into a work setting. This is one very small, but very big improvement that can be made.
There is still a huge social stigma with homelessness. Society judges people based on their appearance, and based on where they are in life. I cannot even begin to count how many times people have told me not to feel sorry for homeless people, because they put themselves into that situation. Regardless of whether that is true or not (and I would argue it hardly ever is), why does it matter? Social justice isn't about judging people for how they got there, it's about making sure everyone feels like a human being. And by the way society treats folks that are homeless, I don't believe we are doing a good job.
It's not about just giving people money if they need it. It's about hearing their stories. Looking people in the eye, regardless of their situation. It's about treating people with respect, regardless of what they look like or smell like. It's about not assuming a person's situation based on their looks, because that just perpetuates a much larger issue in society. It's about speaking up and fighting these thoughts.
So my challenge to in, in this blog post, is to think about what you are saying when it comes to folks being homeless. Do you judge based on their appearance? What does that mean? Have you ever joked around with your friends and said they look homeless based on their messy appearance? I challenge you to just stop and think, because you can never assume a person's situation until you actually ask them. So do it. If you have questions or assumptions, just ask.
Friday, October 11, 2013
National Coming Out Day
Today, October 11, marks the 25th anniversary of National Coming Out Day. It's a "holiday" created by individuals to raise awareness and promote a safe space for people that identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, or allies. From my reading of the history of the movement, it all started with a march in Washington to promote the rights of gay individuals, and has become a celebration of sorts from there on out.
That being said, I struggle with National Coming Out Day. Or maybe just coming out in general. Listen, I get it. I understand how important it is to come out. I understand how important it is to have visibility of LGBTQ individuals in the world, and I know how important it is to "normalize" being queer. I fight for all of that, and I truly and honestly believe it.
But. Here's my struggle. Some people cannot come out. I feel that there are times in the queer community where if someone is not "out" and "proud," they are shamed. And that sucks. Nobody should ever be pressured to come out, for many reasons. We don't know everyone's life and struggle. We don't understand where everyone is coming from. Maybe it's not safe for them to come out. Maybe that is not their priority at the moment.
Coming out is great. Visibility is great. I truly believe it is important and necessary to be out, to make being queer a natural part of society and life. I think we have made some great strides towards this recently, and it has been because people are coming out. I think coming out is great.
But I also hate the idea of coming out, because it sensationalizes something that shouldn't be sensationalized. Who cares if I am dating a man or a woman? Heterosexual individuals don't need to come out. So why do queer individuals? I dream of a world where a teenager can simply start dating someone without conversations or judgment, regardless of sex or gender. I completely understand that this is not the world we live in. And one of the only ways to live in this world is for more and more people to come out and make being queer a natural and normal thing in society. I get it.
So basically, I have no answers. All I know is that I am always a bit uncomfortable when National Coming Out Day comes around, because I know for some queer folks, this means pressure. It means serious debates and guilty feelings, and questioning your personal responsibility versus your personal safety. So here's my thought. Let's celebrate National Coming Out Day. Let's celebrate being queer and work on being visible. But let's also not shame people that can't come out. Let's provide a supportive and educational environment for ALL people, in whatever stage of life they are in. No judgment, no harm, no pressure. Just a day to celebrate queerness, be supportive of all people, and enjoy life.
That being said, I struggle with National Coming Out Day. Or maybe just coming out in general. Listen, I get it. I understand how important it is to come out. I understand how important it is to have visibility of LGBTQ individuals in the world, and I know how important it is to "normalize" being queer. I fight for all of that, and I truly and honestly believe it.
But. Here's my struggle. Some people cannot come out. I feel that there are times in the queer community where if someone is not "out" and "proud," they are shamed. And that sucks. Nobody should ever be pressured to come out, for many reasons. We don't know everyone's life and struggle. We don't understand where everyone is coming from. Maybe it's not safe for them to come out. Maybe that is not their priority at the moment.
Coming out is great. Visibility is great. I truly believe it is important and necessary to be out, to make being queer a natural part of society and life. I think we have made some great strides towards this recently, and it has been because people are coming out. I think coming out is great.
But I also hate the idea of coming out, because it sensationalizes something that shouldn't be sensationalized. Who cares if I am dating a man or a woman? Heterosexual individuals don't need to come out. So why do queer individuals? I dream of a world where a teenager can simply start dating someone without conversations or judgment, regardless of sex or gender. I completely understand that this is not the world we live in. And one of the only ways to live in this world is for more and more people to come out and make being queer a natural and normal thing in society. I get it.
So basically, I have no answers. All I know is that I am always a bit uncomfortable when National Coming Out Day comes around, because I know for some queer folks, this means pressure. It means serious debates and guilty feelings, and questioning your personal responsibility versus your personal safety. So here's my thought. Let's celebrate National Coming Out Day. Let's celebrate being queer and work on being visible. But let's also not shame people that can't come out. Let's provide a supportive and educational environment for ALL people, in whatever stage of life they are in. No judgment, no harm, no pressure. Just a day to celebrate queerness, be supportive of all people, and enjoy life.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Tigers Above, Tigers Below
Have you ever heard of that story, in which a person is hanging on a cliff, with only a branch to hold onto? There are tigers below, and tigers above. The person can't climb up, the tigers are chewing away at the branch, and it is inevitable the person will die regardless of which way they turn. But the person then sees an apple, and reaches to it, and starts to eat this delicious apple.
Even in my terrible storytelling paraphrasing, the point of this story is to enjoy the little moments in life. Death is inevitable; pain and heartache is inevitable. But if you focus on the small things, the little things that bring you happiness, it is easier to live in the moment and understand what life is all about.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, in my quest for happiness. If you follow my blog at all, you know happiness is a concept I struggle with a lot. Lately it has been even more of a struggle, as my life has taken me on very unexpected journeys and unexpected twists and turns. I am trying hard to refocus and figure out what I want in my life, and with that comes a lot of soul searching.
This Tigers Above, Tigers Below story really speaks to me. One of the biggest things I have been trying to focus on is what makes me happy. Not for an entire day, not for an entire hour even. In each moment, what makes my soul soar? What is my apple?
And I am beginning to realize it is the little things. It's the way my cats drop their toy mice at my feet. It's the way my heart feels lighter when my roller skates hit the floor. It's the way sitting at a diner at midnight with my derby team makes me feel, laughing like a 12 year old kid. It's the way a warm mug of coffee feels against my hands in the morning. It's the feeling of a hot shower after a long and sweaty practice. It's how I feel when I execute a good move at a derby scrimmage.
I can't change the fact that there are tigers above me, and tigers below me. They will always be there. Sometimes they are me and my mind. There will always be those obstacles, those things that just plain suck. But what I can change is my perspective. I don't need to always focus on those tigers. I don't need to let them bother me. Because I can find something that makes me feel better. And I need to do it.
So here's my goal. In order to refocus my life and try to be a happier me, I am going to focus on my apples. Yes, there are always the tigers. A lot of tigers, lately. But you make the best of the situation. You focus on what you can control, you change your perspective, and you live in the moment. I had this "aha!" moment this evening. I was feeling pretty shitty about a lot of things, and I am incredibly stressed out at the moment. I was trying to clean my apartment when Albus, the sweetest cat in the world, dropped his toy mouse at my feet and looked up expectantly at me. His face was so proud, and it just made me laugh out loud. My heart instantly lightened.
It's things like that. I'm not going to ignore the bad. I'm not going to create a false sense of reality. But I am going to try to remember the good feelings, bring what makes me happy to myself, and change my perspective on things. It won't be easy, it takes practice to refocus from those tigers. But I am ready for the challenge, because I need it in life.
And to inspire you, if you would like, one of my favorite singers, Ellis Delaney, performing her song "Tigers Above, Tigers Below:"
Even in my terrible storytelling paraphrasing, the point of this story is to enjoy the little moments in life. Death is inevitable; pain and heartache is inevitable. But if you focus on the small things, the little things that bring you happiness, it is easier to live in the moment and understand what life is all about.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately, in my quest for happiness. If you follow my blog at all, you know happiness is a concept I struggle with a lot. Lately it has been even more of a struggle, as my life has taken me on very unexpected journeys and unexpected twists and turns. I am trying hard to refocus and figure out what I want in my life, and with that comes a lot of soul searching.
This Tigers Above, Tigers Below story really speaks to me. One of the biggest things I have been trying to focus on is what makes me happy. Not for an entire day, not for an entire hour even. In each moment, what makes my soul soar? What is my apple?
And I am beginning to realize it is the little things. It's the way my cats drop their toy mice at my feet. It's the way my heart feels lighter when my roller skates hit the floor. It's the way sitting at a diner at midnight with my derby team makes me feel, laughing like a 12 year old kid. It's the way a warm mug of coffee feels against my hands in the morning. It's the feeling of a hot shower after a long and sweaty practice. It's how I feel when I execute a good move at a derby scrimmage.
I can't change the fact that there are tigers above me, and tigers below me. They will always be there. Sometimes they are me and my mind. There will always be those obstacles, those things that just plain suck. But what I can change is my perspective. I don't need to always focus on those tigers. I don't need to let them bother me. Because I can find something that makes me feel better. And I need to do it.
So here's my goal. In order to refocus my life and try to be a happier me, I am going to focus on my apples. Yes, there are always the tigers. A lot of tigers, lately. But you make the best of the situation. You focus on what you can control, you change your perspective, and you live in the moment. I had this "aha!" moment this evening. I was feeling pretty shitty about a lot of things, and I am incredibly stressed out at the moment. I was trying to clean my apartment when Albus, the sweetest cat in the world, dropped his toy mouse at my feet and looked up expectantly at me. His face was so proud, and it just made me laugh out loud. My heart instantly lightened.
It's things like that. I'm not going to ignore the bad. I'm not going to create a false sense of reality. But I am going to try to remember the good feelings, bring what makes me happy to myself, and change my perspective on things. It won't be easy, it takes practice to refocus from those tigers. But I am ready for the challenge, because I need it in life.
And to inspire you, if you would like, one of my favorite singers, Ellis Delaney, performing her song "Tigers Above, Tigers Below:"
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The jam of life
So, I got a new job recently. I up and moved at the end of January, accepted a new position that is a positive career change for me, and currently have been trying to settle into a new routine and a new home with my kitties.
Change is always an interesting thing, and with change comes challenges. Challenges that I haven't faced before, and challenges that knock me on my ass. Literally and figuratively. With the new job and a new home, I also transferred to a new roller derby league. I am not sure if you know this about me, but I basically prioritize my life like this: Work, cats, roller derby. Everything else fits in somehow, but the three things that matter the most to me are the three things I spend the most time at. So these changes basically changed my entire life around.
With these changes, the biggest difference is how out of my element I am at times. I specifically realized this today, as nothing seemed to go my way. I have been in a funk for a few weeks now, and this weekend I made a pledge to myself that I will choose happiness. I will look at the positives of things, and I won't let things get me down.
Well, today my pledge of happiness didn't go to far. It seemed like every time I tried to take a positive step, or every time I tried to do something, I got knocked down. And as I lay here at midnight on a rainy night, I am realizing that my funk will only get worse if I keep at this.
Tonight at roller derby practice, I felt out of my element. I always feel like I am a terrible player when I play with the A team; my new league is a complete challenge in every aspect of the sport. They are faster, more powerful, and more skilled than my previous league. I am not a very good derby player; I play because I love it, and I do push myself, but I understand that I have limitations as a person. Tonight was a mixed scrimmage night with the A team and the B team, and I have to say the opposing team was very heavily A team.
In my new league, everyone jams - again, out of my element. I have never really been a jammer, and I have never really called myself a jammer. My confidence as a jammer is zero, zilch, none. I shake every time someone hands me the star helmet cover. But tonight, I jammed. Against a very skilled team. It wasn't anything new, I had jammed before. But tonight was different.
I got knocked down every 2 seconds in the jam. I am not a skilled jammer, and I struggle to get around people that have more lateral movement than me. I don't react quick enough, so I spent the majority of my time as a jammer on the floor, after taking hit after hit by the opposing team. Needless to say, it was pretty demoralizing and I didn't jam at all after that.
My day outside of derby was a lot like that jam. I constantly felt like the target that kept being pushed down. And even though I vowed to be positive, sometimes you can only take so much. My day was demoralizing, then I went to derby practice, where I failed as well.
But here I am, realizing something. In roller derby, you focus on 2 minutes at a time. Each jam can last 2 minutes, but that's it. Then you get to start all over again, and things could be different. When I went out in the scrimmage after my jammer incident, I was a blocker, and I did a couple of good things. I also did a lot of terrible things, but each jam was something different and I was able to focus on that period of time, not what had happened in the past.
And I realized I need to live my life like that. Live in the moment. Don't focus on what happened in the past, because every day you get an opportunity to be different. Every day is a fresh start, and you just have to see that. What happened today, where I constantly got knocked down, doesn't need to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow could be the best day of my life- how will I know until I get there? Yes, these things I left and feel will still be there. But tomorrow there will be new challenges, new ideas, new thoughts. And who's to say that those challenges and thoughts will be the same? It's all in how I look at it.
If I learn something from being knocked down that I can use for the next jam in roller derby, it might be worth it to suck for 2 minutes. If I had a really shitty day, but the next day can learn from it and move on, let's do it. That's what roller derby, and life, is all about. It's about learning and bettering yourself, and not focusing on the past. It's about being the best you can be, in that moment.
So I vow, from here on out, to live every day like a jam. I get to start fresh tomorrow; what happens today is great, and I need to focus on it and be the best I can be today, but when the day is over, I need to move on. Learn the lessons, take the lessons with me and utilize them in the future, but don't dwell on the negatives. And who cares if I get lead jammer? If I do, that is awesome and I'll count that as a personal accomplishment. But if I don't, at least I got to play.
Change is always an interesting thing, and with change comes challenges. Challenges that I haven't faced before, and challenges that knock me on my ass. Literally and figuratively. With the new job and a new home, I also transferred to a new roller derby league. I am not sure if you know this about me, but I basically prioritize my life like this: Work, cats, roller derby. Everything else fits in somehow, but the three things that matter the most to me are the three things I spend the most time at. So these changes basically changed my entire life around.
With these changes, the biggest difference is how out of my element I am at times. I specifically realized this today, as nothing seemed to go my way. I have been in a funk for a few weeks now, and this weekend I made a pledge to myself that I will choose happiness. I will look at the positives of things, and I won't let things get me down.
Well, today my pledge of happiness didn't go to far. It seemed like every time I tried to take a positive step, or every time I tried to do something, I got knocked down. And as I lay here at midnight on a rainy night, I am realizing that my funk will only get worse if I keep at this.
Tonight at roller derby practice, I felt out of my element. I always feel like I am a terrible player when I play with the A team; my new league is a complete challenge in every aspect of the sport. They are faster, more powerful, and more skilled than my previous league. I am not a very good derby player; I play because I love it, and I do push myself, but I understand that I have limitations as a person. Tonight was a mixed scrimmage night with the A team and the B team, and I have to say the opposing team was very heavily A team.
In my new league, everyone jams - again, out of my element. I have never really been a jammer, and I have never really called myself a jammer. My confidence as a jammer is zero, zilch, none. I shake every time someone hands me the star helmet cover. But tonight, I jammed. Against a very skilled team. It wasn't anything new, I had jammed before. But tonight was different.
I got knocked down every 2 seconds in the jam. I am not a skilled jammer, and I struggle to get around people that have more lateral movement than me. I don't react quick enough, so I spent the majority of my time as a jammer on the floor, after taking hit after hit by the opposing team. Needless to say, it was pretty demoralizing and I didn't jam at all after that.
My day outside of derby was a lot like that jam. I constantly felt like the target that kept being pushed down. And even though I vowed to be positive, sometimes you can only take so much. My day was demoralizing, then I went to derby practice, where I failed as well.
But here I am, realizing something. In roller derby, you focus on 2 minutes at a time. Each jam can last 2 minutes, but that's it. Then you get to start all over again, and things could be different. When I went out in the scrimmage after my jammer incident, I was a blocker, and I did a couple of good things. I also did a lot of terrible things, but each jam was something different and I was able to focus on that period of time, not what had happened in the past.
And I realized I need to live my life like that. Live in the moment. Don't focus on what happened in the past, because every day you get an opportunity to be different. Every day is a fresh start, and you just have to see that. What happened today, where I constantly got knocked down, doesn't need to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow could be the best day of my life- how will I know until I get there? Yes, these things I left and feel will still be there. But tomorrow there will be new challenges, new ideas, new thoughts. And who's to say that those challenges and thoughts will be the same? It's all in how I look at it.
If I learn something from being knocked down that I can use for the next jam in roller derby, it might be worth it to suck for 2 minutes. If I had a really shitty day, but the next day can learn from it and move on, let's do it. That's what roller derby, and life, is all about. It's about learning and bettering yourself, and not focusing on the past. It's about being the best you can be, in that moment.
So I vow, from here on out, to live every day like a jam. I get to start fresh tomorrow; what happens today is great, and I need to focus on it and be the best I can be today, but when the day is over, I need to move on. Learn the lessons, take the lessons with me and utilize them in the future, but don't dwell on the negatives. And who cares if I get lead jammer? If I do, that is awesome and I'll count that as a personal accomplishment. But if I don't, at least I got to play.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Can a business change?
I'm conflicted, and I don't know what my opinion is on this. If a business has stated their opinion on an issue, can they change that? What do they need to do in order to "repent," or show they are genuine in their transition?
I got thinking about this today, when I saw Amazon's new commercial for their Kindle. If you haven't seen it, it basically has a male and a female by a pool. The female is reading a Kindle, the male is reading a tablet of some sort. He is having trouble because the sun is reflecting on the tablet, so the female is like "I have a Kindle," and basically it convinces the male to purchase a Kindle. The male then says he should buy the female a drink, for all her help. She says something to the effect of "no thanks, my husband is getting me something." And he goes, "oh mine too!" and it cuts to the bar by the pool, where two men have drinks in hand and wave at the male and female at the pool.
So this is a very casual, very innocent advertisement, that shows Amazon's support for same-sex relationships in a normalized way. Awesome, right? I love things like that. I am not sure how mainstream this commerical will go, but it's a great start.
But here's my confusion. A few years ago, I decided to stop supporting Amazon because they decided to list all of their LGBTQ material as "adult," thus not showing up in general searches on the site. This move, was to me, a blatant example of how this company wasn't supportive of same-sex relationships and individuals that identified as gay, and did not work to make homosexuality mainstream. In fact, it basically spread the message that homosexuality was to be hidden and wasn't safe for the mainstream.
I am conscious of my "economic vote," and so I decided not to purchase items from Amazon because of that. But then this happens. And I get confused.
The same thing happened with Toms shoes. The founder of Toms was slated to speak at a Focus on the Family event. If you are not aware, Focus on the Family is an organization that uses the Bible to attack homosexuality, and in my opinion, can be considered a hate group. The founder apparently backed out after there was some backlash about the situation. But it's sort of the same thing. Did the founder not care about supporting a proven discriminatory group until his business would be compromised?
Or Dr. Pepper. Remember those commercials where Dr. Pepper had so many flavors, it was only for men? But now it has changed its marketing to focus more on Dr. Pepper being for the unique people, which is all of us, apparently. Especially roller derby mothers, which I do appreciate roller derby being in the mainstream. But still.
I'm sure there are more examples of this, of businesses, or even people, making changes and changing their tune. And I'm torn on how to react to it.
On one hand, awesome for them for changing. I genuinely hope that these new changes are because they think supporting equality is the right thing to do. The educator in me is proud that they have grown, and hope that they have learned from their past actions.
But on the other hand, did they really learn from their past experiences? Or is this just a change in marketing based solely on the backlash the companies received from their past experiences? Can you ignore a company's history and support them, even when they burned you in the past? Or am I just holding a gruge that doesn't need to be held?
I think I can forgive, but not forget. I believe in growth and change, and I know that individual people can do it. In fact, I chose my career off of helping people grow and develop. So why can't larger companies and corporations? It just is an interesting concept to me, and I want to ask why. I want to sit down with the folks in charge of marketing, and understand what made the change happen, and help to understand why this shift in thinking happened.
So forgive. Yes, Dr. Pepper. I forgive you for being sexist. Amazon, I forgive you for considering me a second class citizen. Toms, I forgive you for potentially perpetuating hate. But I cannot forget, and while I will continue to buy Toms shoes, and I will start shopping at Amazon.com again, I will tread carefully. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
What are your thoughts? Do you think these changes in marketing and opinions are genuine?
I got thinking about this today, when I saw Amazon's new commercial for their Kindle. If you haven't seen it, it basically has a male and a female by a pool. The female is reading a Kindle, the male is reading a tablet of some sort. He is having trouble because the sun is reflecting on the tablet, so the female is like "I have a Kindle," and basically it convinces the male to purchase a Kindle. The male then says he should buy the female a drink, for all her help. She says something to the effect of "no thanks, my husband is getting me something." And he goes, "oh mine too!" and it cuts to the bar by the pool, where two men have drinks in hand and wave at the male and female at the pool.
So this is a very casual, very innocent advertisement, that shows Amazon's support for same-sex relationships in a normalized way. Awesome, right? I love things like that. I am not sure how mainstream this commerical will go, but it's a great start.
But here's my confusion. A few years ago, I decided to stop supporting Amazon because they decided to list all of their LGBTQ material as "adult," thus not showing up in general searches on the site. This move, was to me, a blatant example of how this company wasn't supportive of same-sex relationships and individuals that identified as gay, and did not work to make homosexuality mainstream. In fact, it basically spread the message that homosexuality was to be hidden and wasn't safe for the mainstream.
I am conscious of my "economic vote," and so I decided not to purchase items from Amazon because of that. But then this happens. And I get confused.
The same thing happened with Toms shoes. The founder of Toms was slated to speak at a Focus on the Family event. If you are not aware, Focus on the Family is an organization that uses the Bible to attack homosexuality, and in my opinion, can be considered a hate group. The founder apparently backed out after there was some backlash about the situation. But it's sort of the same thing. Did the founder not care about supporting a proven discriminatory group until his business would be compromised?
Or Dr. Pepper. Remember those commercials where Dr. Pepper had so many flavors, it was only for men? But now it has changed its marketing to focus more on Dr. Pepper being for the unique people, which is all of us, apparently. Especially roller derby mothers, which I do appreciate roller derby being in the mainstream. But still.
I'm sure there are more examples of this, of businesses, or even people, making changes and changing their tune. And I'm torn on how to react to it.
On one hand, awesome for them for changing. I genuinely hope that these new changes are because they think supporting equality is the right thing to do. The educator in me is proud that they have grown, and hope that they have learned from their past actions.
But on the other hand, did they really learn from their past experiences? Or is this just a change in marketing based solely on the backlash the companies received from their past experiences? Can you ignore a company's history and support them, even when they burned you in the past? Or am I just holding a gruge that doesn't need to be held?
I think I can forgive, but not forget. I believe in growth and change, and I know that individual people can do it. In fact, I chose my career off of helping people grow and develop. So why can't larger companies and corporations? It just is an interesting concept to me, and I want to ask why. I want to sit down with the folks in charge of marketing, and understand what made the change happen, and help to understand why this shift in thinking happened.
So forgive. Yes, Dr. Pepper. I forgive you for being sexist. Amazon, I forgive you for considering me a second class citizen. Toms, I forgive you for potentially perpetuating hate. But I cannot forget, and while I will continue to buy Toms shoes, and I will start shopping at Amazon.com again, I will tread carefully. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
What are your thoughts? Do you think these changes in marketing and opinions are genuine?
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
New year, new life?
Happy New Year, everyone. I typically don't consider New Year's to be a special celebration, and I have never made any New Year's resolutions. I always consider that to be weird; so often people start "new" with good intentions, and then it all just falls to the wayside. I don't want to be that person.
But this year was different for some reason. It might be because I was in a plane with faulty steering when 2012 ended and 2013 started. Or maybe it was because 2012 was probably one of the worst years, emotionally, that I have ever had. But something needs to change in my life, and hey, no time like the present. In my holiday break, I had a LOT of time to think and reflect over the year, and I realized that I need to start taking control of my life in all aspects, and not let other people have control over me or my emotions.
Therefore, I have created, not resolutions, but goals. And SMART goals at that- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. To me, goals seem more real than resolutions.
Why am I telling you this? Well, here's the thing. I often have great ideas for change, and I tell myself all the time how this is going to be it. That I truly am going to do this, but I have trouble holding myself accountable. But research has shown that if you write down your goals, if you share your goals with other people, that you are more likely to achieve them. And I am looking for success here. So not only will I blog this, share it, but I am also printing out the goals and posting them in my apartment, as a constant reminder of what I need to do. It's a process, but I am hoping 2013 is the year of healing.
So without further adieu, my 2013 goals:
1. Run a 5K. I have always wanted to do this, and no time like the present, right? There was a time that I was running pretty consistently, and I felt amazing. I really did enjoy the experience, so I want to get back into it. And a 5K is pretty manageable. I will work to find one near the middle/end of the year, so that I have time to train and feel confident about it.
2. Be ok with being with myself. I have come to realize, especially in the past couple of months, that I depend on other people, and I can't always do that. The only person that I need to depend on is myself. I need to be ok with being alone, with being a productive person on my own. I will know that this is accomplished if I am able to sit at home, by myself, and not feel sad or upset. I plan to focus on the positives in my life, work on finding projects for myself that I find therapeutic, and become my own best friend.
3. Finish my teeth surgeries/implants. This is more of a concrete goal, but something I have been putting off for the past year. As a short explanation, I have teeth issues- I was born without 2 permanent teeth, which caused a lot of issues and shifting in my mouth. I had braces for 4 years, and now just need to purchase and get 2 tooth implants. Problem is, I don't really have the money for it and it is super expensive. However, I need to do it. It will make me feel better about myself and make me feel productive. So I will think creatively about money options, make appointments, and finish this up. It's time.
4. Weekly Gratitude. I am an introvert, and with that, comes my internal focus. This creates problems because sometimes it's hard for me to look outwards. And when I am focusing on being more positive in life, I sometimes ignore the positive and beautiful things around me. I have created a "weekly gratitude" goal, so that once a week I thank someone. Seems simple, right? I can do it verbally, with a note, or with an action. But this is going to allow me to reflect on my experiences and reflect on the positive parts of my life.
5. Take control of my life around my family. This one is hard to explain, and I know people don't often understand my family concerns or issues. Basically, I am not myself around my family, and I turn numb when I am with them so I don't have to feel. But I need to take control of myself, so I don't get into this phase of numbness, because it takes a long time to get out of that state of numb. So I am going to not allow them to make decisions for me. As an example, my mother bought me a plane ticket to visit Minnesota over this holiday break. She didn't consult with me. She just bought it, and set her own dates that didn't really work for me. I was planning to drive to save money. Next year, I am going to say no. I am going to drive if I want to, and if she still buys a plane ticket, I won't get on the plane. I will know that I have taken control of my own life around my family if I stick to my plans, even if it means making them upset.
Those are my goals. I think they are good, and will help me to be more focused, and hopefully work to heal my soul a bit, which is needed. So with a new year, doesn't necessarily mean comes a new me, but it does mean getting serious about being the best me. And that sounds pretty good to me.
Did you make any goals or resolutions for the new year?
But this year was different for some reason. It might be because I was in a plane with faulty steering when 2012 ended and 2013 started. Or maybe it was because 2012 was probably one of the worst years, emotionally, that I have ever had. But something needs to change in my life, and hey, no time like the present. In my holiday break, I had a LOT of time to think and reflect over the year, and I realized that I need to start taking control of my life in all aspects, and not let other people have control over me or my emotions.
Therefore, I have created, not resolutions, but goals. And SMART goals at that- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. To me, goals seem more real than resolutions.
Why am I telling you this? Well, here's the thing. I often have great ideas for change, and I tell myself all the time how this is going to be it. That I truly am going to do this, but I have trouble holding myself accountable. But research has shown that if you write down your goals, if you share your goals with other people, that you are more likely to achieve them. And I am looking for success here. So not only will I blog this, share it, but I am also printing out the goals and posting them in my apartment, as a constant reminder of what I need to do. It's a process, but I am hoping 2013 is the year of healing.
So without further adieu, my 2013 goals:
1. Run a 5K. I have always wanted to do this, and no time like the present, right? There was a time that I was running pretty consistently, and I felt amazing. I really did enjoy the experience, so I want to get back into it. And a 5K is pretty manageable. I will work to find one near the middle/end of the year, so that I have time to train and feel confident about it.
2. Be ok with being with myself. I have come to realize, especially in the past couple of months, that I depend on other people, and I can't always do that. The only person that I need to depend on is myself. I need to be ok with being alone, with being a productive person on my own. I will know that this is accomplished if I am able to sit at home, by myself, and not feel sad or upset. I plan to focus on the positives in my life, work on finding projects for myself that I find therapeutic, and become my own best friend.
3. Finish my teeth surgeries/implants. This is more of a concrete goal, but something I have been putting off for the past year. As a short explanation, I have teeth issues- I was born without 2 permanent teeth, which caused a lot of issues and shifting in my mouth. I had braces for 4 years, and now just need to purchase and get 2 tooth implants. Problem is, I don't really have the money for it and it is super expensive. However, I need to do it. It will make me feel better about myself and make me feel productive. So I will think creatively about money options, make appointments, and finish this up. It's time.
4. Weekly Gratitude. I am an introvert, and with that, comes my internal focus. This creates problems because sometimes it's hard for me to look outwards. And when I am focusing on being more positive in life, I sometimes ignore the positive and beautiful things around me. I have created a "weekly gratitude" goal, so that once a week I thank someone. Seems simple, right? I can do it verbally, with a note, or with an action. But this is going to allow me to reflect on my experiences and reflect on the positive parts of my life.
5. Take control of my life around my family. This one is hard to explain, and I know people don't often understand my family concerns or issues. Basically, I am not myself around my family, and I turn numb when I am with them so I don't have to feel. But I need to take control of myself, so I don't get into this phase of numbness, because it takes a long time to get out of that state of numb. So I am going to not allow them to make decisions for me. As an example, my mother bought me a plane ticket to visit Minnesota over this holiday break. She didn't consult with me. She just bought it, and set her own dates that didn't really work for me. I was planning to drive to save money. Next year, I am going to say no. I am going to drive if I want to, and if she still buys a plane ticket, I won't get on the plane. I will know that I have taken control of my own life around my family if I stick to my plans, even if it means making them upset.
Those are my goals. I think they are good, and will help me to be more focused, and hopefully work to heal my soul a bit, which is needed. So with a new year, doesn't necessarily mean comes a new me, but it does mean getting serious about being the best me. And that sounds pretty good to me.
Did you make any goals or resolutions for the new year?
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
People First
Hi folks,
I hope everyone survived a dramatic election night, and hopefully we can all move forward from here, whatever your political leanings and beliefs are.
One of the things that has bothered me throughout this election is the language used by both parties and by a lot of people. This is also a general annoyance in real life, and I feel it has some serious repurcussions.
I am a huge proponant for "people first" language. Meaning, you don't put a describer before the person. So you shouldn't say things like:
Here's my concern with language like this. By putting the identity of a person before the actual person, you are automatically boxing them into a category that is not their only category. Sure, you probably do have a gay friend. But is that their ONLY characteristic? How about saying, "I have a friend who is gay..." That way, your audience will see that that they are a person first, and not completely characterized by one of their identities.
So often, I think, people get caught up in one identity and forget that we all have intersecting identities. Yes, someone may be gay. Or they may be black. But that is not all of who they are. It's a part of them. It can be a huge part of a person, certain identities. But then we fail to see the other identities. What about their gender identity? What about their sex? What about their religious beliefs? What about their class? All these identities and many more all make up who a person is. There isn't just one thing, and by describing someone based solely on one identity, I feel we are categorizing people unfairly.
Let's role play for a moment. Think of one identity that you have. It can be class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, anything. Think about it. And then put that word or phrase in front of your name. So I would be, for example, "Atheist Connie." Say it out loud (your's, not mine). How does it feel? Do you feel like you need to explain yourself? I know I do. Because different identities come with so many different assumptions and stereotypes, it almost seems like, in my opinion, that I lose myself and have to defend an identity. And that's not good, to lose yourself.
I encourage you to check your language. Do you use people first language? Can you try to use people first language? Because in order to respect people, we need to realize that people are whole, we need to recognize them for all of who they are, not for part of who they are.
Thanks for listening!
I hope everyone survived a dramatic election night, and hopefully we can all move forward from here, whatever your political leanings and beliefs are.
One of the things that has bothered me throughout this election is the language used by both parties and by a lot of people. This is also a general annoyance in real life, and I feel it has some serious repurcussions.
I am a huge proponant for "people first" language. Meaning, you don't put a describer before the person. So you shouldn't say things like:
- My gay friend
- That black person
- That autistic student
Here's my concern with language like this. By putting the identity of a person before the actual person, you are automatically boxing them into a category that is not their only category. Sure, you probably do have a gay friend. But is that their ONLY characteristic? How about saying, "I have a friend who is gay..." That way, your audience will see that that they are a person first, and not completely characterized by one of their identities.
So often, I think, people get caught up in one identity and forget that we all have intersecting identities. Yes, someone may be gay. Or they may be black. But that is not all of who they are. It's a part of them. It can be a huge part of a person, certain identities. But then we fail to see the other identities. What about their gender identity? What about their sex? What about their religious beliefs? What about their class? All these identities and many more all make up who a person is. There isn't just one thing, and by describing someone based solely on one identity, I feel we are categorizing people unfairly.
Let's role play for a moment. Think of one identity that you have. It can be class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, anything. Think about it. And then put that word or phrase in front of your name. So I would be, for example, "Atheist Connie." Say it out loud (your's, not mine). How does it feel? Do you feel like you need to explain yourself? I know I do. Because different identities come with so many different assumptions and stereotypes, it almost seems like, in my opinion, that I lose myself and have to defend an identity. And that's not good, to lose yourself.
I encourage you to check your language. Do you use people first language? Can you try to use people first language? Because in order to respect people, we need to realize that people are whole, we need to recognize them for all of who they are, not for part of who they are.
Thanks for listening!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The original sin of women
I am a feminist. I think you could probably tell that. I think you can probably also tell that I have issues with a lot of things that happen in society. I recently came across a sign that said "If Eve doomed the entire human race for one apple, what would she do for a klondke bar?"
I get it, it's funny. I understand the concept of the sign, and it can cause giggles. I get it.
But I also don't like it. To me, this speaks to all the subtle and innate oppression issues that women face.
First things first. I am going to get a bit biblical here, and I am going to talk about my opinions. My own opinions. Not fact, not your opinion, but my opinion. I ask that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours. I love a good debate and discussion, so feel free to start one if you would like, in a respectful manner.
There are a lot of stories in the Bible and biblical folklore that really bother me. But let's focus on one right now. It is this story of Adam and Eve, which can arguably be one of the most famous stories in the bible aside from Jesus being born. In my Lutheran upbringings and teaching, the story of Adam and Eve is that God created Adam first, then created Eve out of Adam's rib (first point: there is a bit of man in every woman). Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and took a bite of a fruit that God said never to eat (second point: Eve, aka women, are easily tempted). After Eve "sinned," God's punishment was giving Adam and Eve human bodies, meaning they would suffer and die (third point: Eve, aka woman, caused the downfall of humans).
Let's also look at how Eve is a representation of all women, in popular society. She was, to use this story, the "first woman" and therefore, all other women were modeled and bore out of her. Because of that, and because of the above paragraph and story, there have been people that have oppressed and looked down on women solely because of a story the Bible wants us to believe.
I have personal views that could go on for years about whether the Bible is true, where it came from, and what this story is actually talking about. But here's the point. It doesn't matter what you believe, and it doesn't matter if you believe. You have to realize that this story has often led to issues with women. From the early years, women were seen as not equal to men, innate sinners, and not good enough because of this story.
Even if you don't know or don't believe this, the current oppression, subordination, and punishment of women can easily stem from this story. So by saying things like "Eve doomed human kind," you basically are perpetuating the myth that women are unequal to men and basically innately bad. It may not be a pervasive and explicit thing in society, but it definitely is in society in a more implicit way. There is a belief that Eve is the representation of all women. And if you put negative qualities and characteristics on Eve, you are then putting these same negative qualities on every single woman in the world. Whether you think so or not, it is happening. It has happened, it continues to happen, and it continues to be perpetuated.
The reality is, women are still second-class citizens in today's world. There may be many reasons for it, but I believe this is one of the reasons this oppression continues. Because people have a reason to justify it. But there is no reason to justify it. Do you think this story is fact? Could there be other interpretations? Could there be a reason this story was written this way in the Bible?
There's my opinion and my take on this. I understand that jokes are funny. It's funny sometimes to make fun of history, or make fun of stories. I am not a prude in that way. I also though, think we all need to understand the impact of our actions. By making a sign like that or by making a joke about Eve, do you know what impact that makes on people? On society? Think about it. And I just urge you to think about your impact, whether it be an explicit or implicit impact.
I get it, it's funny. I understand the concept of the sign, and it can cause giggles. I get it.
But I also don't like it. To me, this speaks to all the subtle and innate oppression issues that women face.
First things first. I am going to get a bit biblical here, and I am going to talk about my opinions. My own opinions. Not fact, not your opinion, but my opinion. I ask that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours. I love a good debate and discussion, so feel free to start one if you would like, in a respectful manner.
There are a lot of stories in the Bible and biblical folklore that really bother me. But let's focus on one right now. It is this story of Adam and Eve, which can arguably be one of the most famous stories in the bible aside from Jesus being born. In my Lutheran upbringings and teaching, the story of Adam and Eve is that God created Adam first, then created Eve out of Adam's rib (first point: there is a bit of man in every woman). Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and took a bite of a fruit that God said never to eat (second point: Eve, aka women, are easily tempted). After Eve "sinned," God's punishment was giving Adam and Eve human bodies, meaning they would suffer and die (third point: Eve, aka woman, caused the downfall of humans).
Let's also look at how Eve is a representation of all women, in popular society. She was, to use this story, the "first woman" and therefore, all other women were modeled and bore out of her. Because of that, and because of the above paragraph and story, there have been people that have oppressed and looked down on women solely because of a story the Bible wants us to believe.
I have personal views that could go on for years about whether the Bible is true, where it came from, and what this story is actually talking about. But here's the point. It doesn't matter what you believe, and it doesn't matter if you believe. You have to realize that this story has often led to issues with women. From the early years, women were seen as not equal to men, innate sinners, and not good enough because of this story.
Even if you don't know or don't believe this, the current oppression, subordination, and punishment of women can easily stem from this story. So by saying things like "Eve doomed human kind," you basically are perpetuating the myth that women are unequal to men and basically innately bad. It may not be a pervasive and explicit thing in society, but it definitely is in society in a more implicit way. There is a belief that Eve is the representation of all women. And if you put negative qualities and characteristics on Eve, you are then putting these same negative qualities on every single woman in the world. Whether you think so or not, it is happening. It has happened, it continues to happen, and it continues to be perpetuated.
The reality is, women are still second-class citizens in today's world. There may be many reasons for it, but I believe this is one of the reasons this oppression continues. Because people have a reason to justify it. But there is no reason to justify it. Do you think this story is fact? Could there be other interpretations? Could there be a reason this story was written this way in the Bible?
There's my opinion and my take on this. I understand that jokes are funny. It's funny sometimes to make fun of history, or make fun of stories. I am not a prude in that way. I also though, think we all need to understand the impact of our actions. By making a sign like that or by making a joke about Eve, do you know what impact that makes on people? On society? Think about it. And I just urge you to think about your impact, whether it be an explicit or implicit impact.
Monday, October 29, 2012
That Wasn't Me
In my trend of social justice being the telling of personal stories, I want to continue to share some struggles that I have been dealing with and will continue to deal with. A personal caveat- these are solely my experiences, and nobody else's. Everyone deals with mental illnesses in their own way, and this is just my experience and opinion.
I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I think I have outgrown a lot of my anxieties, but depression is a very different story. I was at my lowest in my undergrad years. Medication and therapy helped a lot, and there was a time several years ago where I was just completely happy. I was in a great place in life, I was figuring out who I was, I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had a great outlook on life.
Fast forward to now. I thought, a few years ago, that I had "overcome" depression. That I had coping mechanisms and could deal with anything that happens in healthy and constructive ways. I have slowly been realizing that this is not true. I have not overcome depression and in fact, it probably is something that will always be there with me. It will be a constant fight.
It starts small, the periods of depression, for me. The urge to cry at the smallest thing, the urge to stay in bed for 5 more minutes. Typically I have been able to figure out my warning signs and talk my way out of it. Rationalize to myself and work to find "happy" things to deal with everything. But these past few days have shown me that this depression, as much as I want to think I have a handle on it, really is a sneaky little meanie.
One of the biggest struggles I have had, and continue to have, is validating that depression is a real thing. Yes, for me, it is incredibly real and I know and understand that it is not just in my head. It's a chemical imbalance, and something that I cannot fix on my own. But that wasn't always the case. Growing up, I had parents that told me sadness was "all in my head," and I just needed an "attitude adjustment." There was one point, in high school, that I was feeling so helpless, I asked my mother for a professional counseling appointment for my birthday. She laughed in my face.
The way I was raised, it took me a very long time to acknowledge that mental illnesses were real. Even now, I think I tend to simplify it sometimes, in order to hide the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.
Here's the thing I need to realize. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone that lives with a mental illness. I think society has stigmatized it for so long, from institutionalizing people suffering, to making fun of mood swings, to everything in between, it is an embarrassing subject. Nobody talks about mental illness, nobody talks about self-harm. And they need to. If people were to talk, tell their stories, don't you think mental illnesses would be seen as a common reality? Don't you think then, people would be more apt to ask for help and not feel embarrassed? That people would understand depression or anxiety in a better way, and not feel "weird" or "alone" in their experiences? Depression is an incredibly isolating thing. The fact that people don't talk about it and there is a danger in asking for help, only escalates the need for a person going through a depressed state to stay silent. And that's not right.
Until then, this is my story. I'm struggling. It'll pass, it'll get better, but at the moment I am not myself. I want people to understand that, to know that I would rather be curled in a ball in bed crying than anywhere else at the moment. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing, it's not wrong.
One of the highlights of my low point was last week, when I saw one of my favorite singers ever live. For those of you who don't know, that person is Brandi Carlile. She sings this song called "That Wasn't Me." The song was written about addiction, but while she was singing it, it struck me how the meaning could be transferred to what I was going through and experiencing. So if you are interested, here's Brandi:
I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life. I think I have outgrown a lot of my anxieties, but depression is a very different story. I was at my lowest in my undergrad years. Medication and therapy helped a lot, and there was a time several years ago where I was just completely happy. I was in a great place in life, I was figuring out who I was, I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had a great outlook on life.
Fast forward to now. I thought, a few years ago, that I had "overcome" depression. That I had coping mechanisms and could deal with anything that happens in healthy and constructive ways. I have slowly been realizing that this is not true. I have not overcome depression and in fact, it probably is something that will always be there with me. It will be a constant fight.
It starts small, the periods of depression, for me. The urge to cry at the smallest thing, the urge to stay in bed for 5 more minutes. Typically I have been able to figure out my warning signs and talk my way out of it. Rationalize to myself and work to find "happy" things to deal with everything. But these past few days have shown me that this depression, as much as I want to think I have a handle on it, really is a sneaky little meanie.
One of the biggest struggles I have had, and continue to have, is validating that depression is a real thing. Yes, for me, it is incredibly real and I know and understand that it is not just in my head. It's a chemical imbalance, and something that I cannot fix on my own. But that wasn't always the case. Growing up, I had parents that told me sadness was "all in my head," and I just needed an "attitude adjustment." There was one point, in high school, that I was feeling so helpless, I asked my mother for a professional counseling appointment for my birthday. She laughed in my face.
The way I was raised, it took me a very long time to acknowledge that mental illnesses were real. Even now, I think I tend to simplify it sometimes, in order to hide the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.
Here's the thing I need to realize. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with anyone that lives with a mental illness. I think society has stigmatized it for so long, from institutionalizing people suffering, to making fun of mood swings, to everything in between, it is an embarrassing subject. Nobody talks about mental illness, nobody talks about self-harm. And they need to. If people were to talk, tell their stories, don't you think mental illnesses would be seen as a common reality? Don't you think then, people would be more apt to ask for help and not feel embarrassed? That people would understand depression or anxiety in a better way, and not feel "weird" or "alone" in their experiences? Depression is an incredibly isolating thing. The fact that people don't talk about it and there is a danger in asking for help, only escalates the need for a person going through a depressed state to stay silent. And that's not right.
Until then, this is my story. I'm struggling. It'll pass, it'll get better, but at the moment I am not myself. I want people to understand that, to know that I would rather be curled in a ball in bed crying than anywhere else at the moment. And that's ok. It's not a bad thing, it's not wrong.
One of the highlights of my low point was last week, when I saw one of my favorite singers ever live. For those of you who don't know, that person is Brandi Carlile. She sings this song called "That Wasn't Me." The song was written about addiction, but while she was singing it, it struck me how the meaning could be transferred to what I was going through and experiencing. So if you are interested, here's Brandi:
Thursday, September 20, 2012
"Normal"
One of the worlds I really hate is "normal." I know I have used it in the past, to say that we all need to normalize same-sex relationships, normalize breaking gender norms, etc. But I also think that the word "normal" can do a lot of harm.
My favorite scene from a great movie:
I may be biased with this movie because it was filmed in my hometown and I have a brief cameo in the movie, but here's my point. This scene speaks to exactly what I feel. There is no normal.
The concept of normal is something that is regular, accepted, something everyone should strive to be. Alas, I don't believe anyone should strive to be anything other than themselves. As Angus says, we are all different. Nobody is the same, therefore, there can be no normal.
I play roller derby, as I may have mentioned before. A couple of months ago, my mom and dad visited me from across the country to watch me play in a bout. Now, my parents and I don't have the best relationship, and they tend to ignore a lot of who I am as a person. But I was sort of excited to get their take on my passion in life. But I wish it had never happened. My mother was excited to attend, and apparently had been looking up my team online and getting information from there. She called me a couple of days before their trip, and said something to the extent of "I saw the group picture of your team on the website, and what a bunch of freaks. Nobody looks normal." I questioned her about what normal meant, and she was silent.
Then the visit came, and after the bout, I was getting my parent's responses to roller derby. Again, in typical mom fashion, she replied "there aren't a lot of normal people that play roller derby, are there?"
Again I asked, what is normal? She had no response for me except "not that." So apparently I am a freak of nature. Which made me feel oh so good.
Here's the thing. When you say something is "normal" or we innately normalize something in our society, we are creating a dichotomy of us vs. them. And that creates exclusion, it creates oppression, it creates otherness. It creates problems.
There is no normal. There is no "new" normal, there is no "old" normal. We need to start checking ourselves and our vocabulary, because by saying these words and by thinking there is a "normal," we are only creating oppression and otherness. Normal is a terrible word to say to describe something or someone. I understand there are ways to say it, and necessary times to say something is the norm, but be aware of when you say it. Be aware of how you say it, and be aware of what you are calling normal.
Because there might be some people out there that are not freaks of nature, but still want to feel like a whole person.
My favorite scene from a great movie:
I may be biased with this movie because it was filmed in my hometown and I have a brief cameo in the movie, but here's my point. This scene speaks to exactly what I feel. There is no normal.
The concept of normal is something that is regular, accepted, something everyone should strive to be. Alas, I don't believe anyone should strive to be anything other than themselves. As Angus says, we are all different. Nobody is the same, therefore, there can be no normal.
I play roller derby, as I may have mentioned before. A couple of months ago, my mom and dad visited me from across the country to watch me play in a bout. Now, my parents and I don't have the best relationship, and they tend to ignore a lot of who I am as a person. But I was sort of excited to get their take on my passion in life. But I wish it had never happened. My mother was excited to attend, and apparently had been looking up my team online and getting information from there. She called me a couple of days before their trip, and said something to the extent of "I saw the group picture of your team on the website, and what a bunch of freaks. Nobody looks normal." I questioned her about what normal meant, and she was silent.
Then the visit came, and after the bout, I was getting my parent's responses to roller derby. Again, in typical mom fashion, she replied "there aren't a lot of normal people that play roller derby, are there?"
Again I asked, what is normal? She had no response for me except "not that." So apparently I am a freak of nature. Which made me feel oh so good.
Here's the thing. When you say something is "normal" or we innately normalize something in our society, we are creating a dichotomy of us vs. them. And that creates exclusion, it creates oppression, it creates otherness. It creates problems.
There is no normal. There is no "new" normal, there is no "old" normal. We need to start checking ourselves and our vocabulary, because by saying these words and by thinking there is a "normal," we are only creating oppression and otherness. Normal is a terrible word to say to describe something or someone. I understand there are ways to say it, and necessary times to say something is the norm, but be aware of when you say it. Be aware of how you say it, and be aware of what you are calling normal.
Because there might be some people out there that are not freaks of nature, but still want to feel like a whole person.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
We need to talk about it
There are two things that made me realize how important this post is for me to write. Again, it focuses on personal stories, but I have a point, I promise. If you would like, read along and wait for the point.
1. I have been working on training college student leaders for the past two weeks now, and one of the big parts of this training is social justice training. We are working to make our college as inclusive as possible, and make it a positive place for all people and all identities. This starts with student leaders. Most of the activities we did with the students were met with mixed results. Some people had trouble understanding their privilege. There was a lot of guilt associated with some of the activities. Other people were extremely triggered because of feelings of oppression and hurt that came up. One of these students was my biggest lesson in this training. Because of the identity this student had, they had been oppressed on a daily basis. This student was frustrated, and sometimes left the sessions crying because they were so triggered. The thing that got me though, is near the end of our two week training, the student found their voice. And shared stories.
This made me realize how important storytelling is. I have often heard about it, and in teaching students about leadership and social justice, I preached the importance of storytelling. But I never understood just how powerful it is until this training. Storytelling, especially our personal stories, really make oppression personal. It gives a face to something that you hear about in passing, but never really think about. For me, it forces me to take action as opposed to just saying "oh, that sucks...."
2. In the past few weeks I have also been doing a lot of work with sexual assault on the campus. Every year we do a training on sexual assault for our student leaders and for the first-year class. Cool, and I typically volunteer every year. Except this year was different. This year, it was personal for me. And I had a really tough time dealing with that. And it made me realize that I needed to heal. And how am I going to heal anything if I refuse to confront it?
So here's my storytelling/social justice spin on my points. Let's talk about sexual assault and sexual misconduct. Let's talk about how this is still such a huge stigma in society. And let's talk about how most people don't even understand what it means to be sexually assaulted.
I don't share my story. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my story and actually realize I don't have fault in what happened, and I still am not there yet. But I am realizing more and more that I need to share and I need to put it out there that society in general still doesn't understand sexual assault.
I was manipulated and coerced by someone I trusted and was in a relationship with. Yes, this is a form of sexual assault. In New York state, and in most people's minds. I'm not saying this looking for sympathy or support; I'm fine and working on this. As I said, I haven't really shared this with anyone. But for the few that I have shared, here are some of the reactions:
"Well, why didn't you just leave?" "It's not sexual assault if it's consensual." "Ok, so?" Or even nothing, and some people made a joke out of it all. There were several times when I disclosed I was in an abusive/unhealthy relationship, and people just shrugged it away.
Let's talk about this. I don't blame individual people, because I honestly think society doesn't do a good job of education when it comes to sexual assault. When I got reactions like this, I burrowed myself deeper, placing the blame on myself more and more. And it seems like a contradiction- I am still embarassed by the fact that I have had so much education when it comes to sexual assault. I have been a trained advocate for 6 years now. And really? This could happen to me?
We need to start talking about it. We need to start talking about respecting people, and we need to start making society a safe place for people to share their stories without being oppressed. We need to make society a place where sexual assaults don't happen, because people are respectful and don't try to coerce control on others.
And here's where the points come into play. Storytelling. If survivors are embarassed of their experience, and if they have my experience where there's not a lot of support from the general population, how the hell are we going to know the real story?
As a side note, I also participated in a role playing activity to train these student leaders about dealing with situations, and I volunteered to play the sexual assault victim for students to "confront." It was a 10 minute role play that I did 5 times, and before it happened, I was super nervous. Like, I wanted to vomit and punch something at the same time. But to my surprise, it was a really healing experience. I was able to tell my story in a "safe" environment, meaning I don't think anyone that went through and confronted me actually thought the story I was telling was my own. So I was able to tell my story, for the first time, and hear my voice. And it felt good. It felt good to actually acknowledge that this is my reality. I hadn't had that opportunity before. And that helps to heal.
So storytelling, in my opinion, is a two-fold positive thing. It helps the person telling the story heal, it brings the experience into reality so they can confront and start to deal with it, and empowers the person to understand their experience. Storytelling also is beneficial to the people hearing the story, because it puts a personal spin on the injustice and causes people to have a more direct emotional response than just a passing random statistic. Again, just my experience, but I wanted to share it.
Now is where the social justice part comes into play. In my experience, storytelling was not a positive thing a first. The people I told my story to weren't receiving of it, didn't believe me, didn't understand. So what can we do, every single one of us, do to make sure that we are open to any story that wants to be told? It doesn't have to be about sexual assault. It can be about any injustice or oppression, or anything at all. If someone is strong and is choosing to disclose their story, we all need to be an open, safe, and supportive venue for them to tell their story. So what are you doing to do in order to be this for someone?
This is my challenge for everyone that reads this blog post. Think about what you can do to be that person. What can you do and how can you act if someone chooses to disclose something to you? How can you validate their story and be that source of comfort for them? All I was looking for was someone to validate the fact that I was feeling terrible. I wasn't looking for someone to be my personal counselor, I wasn't looking for someone to solve my problems. I was solely looking for someone that would validate the fact that I went through a terrible situation, and I have every right to feel the way I was feeling. And that I couldn't find. So that's my challenge. I challenge you to be that person. The one that listens. The one that makes it ok for people to feel the way they are feeling, whatever the feeling is.
My personal counselor:
1. I have been working on training college student leaders for the past two weeks now, and one of the big parts of this training is social justice training. We are working to make our college as inclusive as possible, and make it a positive place for all people and all identities. This starts with student leaders. Most of the activities we did with the students were met with mixed results. Some people had trouble understanding their privilege. There was a lot of guilt associated with some of the activities. Other people were extremely triggered because of feelings of oppression and hurt that came up. One of these students was my biggest lesson in this training. Because of the identity this student had, they had been oppressed on a daily basis. This student was frustrated, and sometimes left the sessions crying because they were so triggered. The thing that got me though, is near the end of our two week training, the student found their voice. And shared stories.
This made me realize how important storytelling is. I have often heard about it, and in teaching students about leadership and social justice, I preached the importance of storytelling. But I never understood just how powerful it is until this training. Storytelling, especially our personal stories, really make oppression personal. It gives a face to something that you hear about in passing, but never really think about. For me, it forces me to take action as opposed to just saying "oh, that sucks...."
2. In the past few weeks I have also been doing a lot of work with sexual assault on the campus. Every year we do a training on sexual assault for our student leaders and for the first-year class. Cool, and I typically volunteer every year. Except this year was different. This year, it was personal for me. And I had a really tough time dealing with that. And it made me realize that I needed to heal. And how am I going to heal anything if I refuse to confront it?
So here's my storytelling/social justice spin on my points. Let's talk about sexual assault and sexual misconduct. Let's talk about how this is still such a huge stigma in society. And let's talk about how most people don't even understand what it means to be sexually assaulted.
I don't share my story. It has taken me so long to come to terms with my story and actually realize I don't have fault in what happened, and I still am not there yet. But I am realizing more and more that I need to share and I need to put it out there that society in general still doesn't understand sexual assault.
I was manipulated and coerced by someone I trusted and was in a relationship with. Yes, this is a form of sexual assault. In New York state, and in most people's minds. I'm not saying this looking for sympathy or support; I'm fine and working on this. As I said, I haven't really shared this with anyone. But for the few that I have shared, here are some of the reactions:
"Well, why didn't you just leave?" "It's not sexual assault if it's consensual." "Ok, so?" Or even nothing, and some people made a joke out of it all. There were several times when I disclosed I was in an abusive/unhealthy relationship, and people just shrugged it away.
Let's talk about this. I don't blame individual people, because I honestly think society doesn't do a good job of education when it comes to sexual assault. When I got reactions like this, I burrowed myself deeper, placing the blame on myself more and more. And it seems like a contradiction- I am still embarassed by the fact that I have had so much education when it comes to sexual assault. I have been a trained advocate for 6 years now. And really? This could happen to me?
We need to start talking about it. We need to start talking about respecting people, and we need to start making society a safe place for people to share their stories without being oppressed. We need to make society a place where sexual assaults don't happen, because people are respectful and don't try to coerce control on others.
And here's where the points come into play. Storytelling. If survivors are embarassed of their experience, and if they have my experience where there's not a lot of support from the general population, how the hell are we going to know the real story?
As a side note, I also participated in a role playing activity to train these student leaders about dealing with situations, and I volunteered to play the sexual assault victim for students to "confront." It was a 10 minute role play that I did 5 times, and before it happened, I was super nervous. Like, I wanted to vomit and punch something at the same time. But to my surprise, it was a really healing experience. I was able to tell my story in a "safe" environment, meaning I don't think anyone that went through and confronted me actually thought the story I was telling was my own. So I was able to tell my story, for the first time, and hear my voice. And it felt good. It felt good to actually acknowledge that this is my reality. I hadn't had that opportunity before. And that helps to heal.
So storytelling, in my opinion, is a two-fold positive thing. It helps the person telling the story heal, it brings the experience into reality so they can confront and start to deal with it, and empowers the person to understand their experience. Storytelling also is beneficial to the people hearing the story, because it puts a personal spin on the injustice and causes people to have a more direct emotional response than just a passing random statistic. Again, just my experience, but I wanted to share it.
Now is where the social justice part comes into play. In my experience, storytelling was not a positive thing a first. The people I told my story to weren't receiving of it, didn't believe me, didn't understand. So what can we do, every single one of us, do to make sure that we are open to any story that wants to be told? It doesn't have to be about sexual assault. It can be about any injustice or oppression, or anything at all. If someone is strong and is choosing to disclose their story, we all need to be an open, safe, and supportive venue for them to tell their story. So what are you doing to do in order to be this for someone?
This is my challenge for everyone that reads this blog post. Think about what you can do to be that person. What can you do and how can you act if someone chooses to disclose something to you? How can you validate their story and be that source of comfort for them? All I was looking for was someone to validate the fact that I was feeling terrible. I wasn't looking for someone to be my personal counselor, I wasn't looking for someone to solve my problems. I was solely looking for someone that would validate the fact that I went through a terrible situation, and I have every right to feel the way I was feeling. And that I couldn't find. So that's my challenge. I challenge you to be that person. The one that listens. The one that makes it ok for people to feel the way they are feeling, whatever the feeling is.
My personal counselor:
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The Little Things
I wish people would realize the impact they have on others. I get that everyone is different and reacts to people in different ways. So let me tell you about my experience.
I am a person that is highly influenced by my surroundings. My physical surroundings, the people around me, even the weather. I get a lot of my social cues from other people, so a kind word or an open stance goes a really long way with me.
The past few weeks have been tough for me in many different ways. I've felt up in the air, out of control of everything going on, and I felt fuzzy and out of place. A lot has been happening to me that isn't in my control, and I think this past weekend was my time to snap back into gear. So needless to say, a lot of feelings were happening and I wasn't the happiest of people lately.
But here's what makes me happy. The little interactions with people. I bet they didn't even realize how much of an impact they have had on me. On Saturday, I decided I needed to be proactive and get some adult things done. One of those things was picking up my drycleaning that had been sitting at the store for over a month. I had completely forgotten about it, and was embarrassed about having to pick it up after such a long time. But the minute I walked into the store, the woman working was so nice. She asked me about my weekend, and she reassured me that my clothes hadn't been there long. She talked with me about their policy on getting rid of clothing, and was incredibly genuine with her interaction. In a world of hustle and bustle, where you rush and text instead of having personal interactions, this woman was a breath of fresh air. She took the time to chat with me. And she acted like she truly did care about me and my answers. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. But I know in that moment, I felt important.
Today was another great example. I was walking to my apartment during the day, and a couple of workers I am friendly with stopped me to chat. They were on their work break, and we were talking about some maintenance things happening at my job, and one of them all of a sudden told me what a good job I was doing and making their jobs easier. He gave me a hug, too. I was so surprised, as this was completely out of the ordinary. Sure, I am friendly with them and we always chat, but the fact that they both showed genuine appreciation for me filled my heart with joy.
Or the fact that I can contact someone late at night, and go on road trips and meet up with people randomly. That there are people that care about me enough to be spontaneous and understand when I need to clear my thoughts.
There is a reason I don't have an EZ Pass in New York state. Sure, having that pass would be so convenient. I could just fly by toll booths, not have to worry about having money and coin on me at all times, and not wait in long lines. But I don't want to. Because I would be missing the human interaction. As I said, I am highly impacted by my surroundings, so even if a random toll booth worker smiles at me and tells me to have a good day, I feel a little brighter inside. It makes all the difference in the world.
I'm telling these stories for a couple reasons. First of all, I think we all need to take the time to think about the little things. Maybe you aren't like me, and maybe you don't become impacted by others and your surroundings. That's fine, but there are some of us that are. The fact that we all can do such small things, but make such a positive difference is amazing. A genuine smile. A genuine care for a stranger. A genuine compliment. These things can make someone's day or even week. I know it's made mine.
The second part of this is that I often get scared by society today. This is going to make me sound really old, but there isn't a lot of personal interaction anymore. I have gone entire days without talking to a single person. Sure, I love to text, but it misses a lot. Texting is so easy and beneficial in a lot of ways. But face to face talks and phone conversations can mean so much more. I work with college students, and so many times, these students have no clue how to interact with people. I feel that we all are missing key components of life, which are those genuine human interactions.
Here's my thought. I think we all need to be conscious of our lives and our interactions. We need to consider how we are connecting with people, and how we come off to people. I truly believe a small gesture like a genuine smile can make all the difference in the world. So why can't we all just do it? Smile at a stranger. Show genuine interest in a person's story. Make a genuine compliment. What's it going to hurt? I bet nothing, and only make someone's life better.
I am a person that is highly influenced by my surroundings. My physical surroundings, the people around me, even the weather. I get a lot of my social cues from other people, so a kind word or an open stance goes a really long way with me.
The past few weeks have been tough for me in many different ways. I've felt up in the air, out of control of everything going on, and I felt fuzzy and out of place. A lot has been happening to me that isn't in my control, and I think this past weekend was my time to snap back into gear. So needless to say, a lot of feelings were happening and I wasn't the happiest of people lately.
But here's what makes me happy. The little interactions with people. I bet they didn't even realize how much of an impact they have had on me. On Saturday, I decided I needed to be proactive and get some adult things done. One of those things was picking up my drycleaning that had been sitting at the store for over a month. I had completely forgotten about it, and was embarrassed about having to pick it up after such a long time. But the minute I walked into the store, the woman working was so nice. She asked me about my weekend, and she reassured me that my clothes hadn't been there long. She talked with me about their policy on getting rid of clothing, and was incredibly genuine with her interaction. In a world of hustle and bustle, where you rush and text instead of having personal interactions, this woman was a breath of fresh air. She took the time to chat with me. And she acted like she truly did care about me and my answers. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her, and she doesn't know anything about me. But I know in that moment, I felt important.
Today was another great example. I was walking to my apartment during the day, and a couple of workers I am friendly with stopped me to chat. They were on their work break, and we were talking about some maintenance things happening at my job, and one of them all of a sudden told me what a good job I was doing and making their jobs easier. He gave me a hug, too. I was so surprised, as this was completely out of the ordinary. Sure, I am friendly with them and we always chat, but the fact that they both showed genuine appreciation for me filled my heart with joy.
Or the fact that I can contact someone late at night, and go on road trips and meet up with people randomly. That there are people that care about me enough to be spontaneous and understand when I need to clear my thoughts.
There is a reason I don't have an EZ Pass in New York state. Sure, having that pass would be so convenient. I could just fly by toll booths, not have to worry about having money and coin on me at all times, and not wait in long lines. But I don't want to. Because I would be missing the human interaction. As I said, I am highly impacted by my surroundings, so even if a random toll booth worker smiles at me and tells me to have a good day, I feel a little brighter inside. It makes all the difference in the world.
I'm telling these stories for a couple reasons. First of all, I think we all need to take the time to think about the little things. Maybe you aren't like me, and maybe you don't become impacted by others and your surroundings. That's fine, but there are some of us that are. The fact that we all can do such small things, but make such a positive difference is amazing. A genuine smile. A genuine care for a stranger. A genuine compliment. These things can make someone's day or even week. I know it's made mine.
The second part of this is that I often get scared by society today. This is going to make me sound really old, but there isn't a lot of personal interaction anymore. I have gone entire days without talking to a single person. Sure, I love to text, but it misses a lot. Texting is so easy and beneficial in a lot of ways. But face to face talks and phone conversations can mean so much more. I work with college students, and so many times, these students have no clue how to interact with people. I feel that we all are missing key components of life, which are those genuine human interactions.
Here's my thought. I think we all need to be conscious of our lives and our interactions. We need to consider how we are connecting with people, and how we come off to people. I truly believe a small gesture like a genuine smile can make all the difference in the world. So why can't we all just do it? Smile at a stranger. Show genuine interest in a person's story. Make a genuine compliment. What's it going to hurt? I bet nothing, and only make someone's life better.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I'll weigh in on that!
In a effort to be more honest with myself, I have been thinking a lot about body image and weight and health. And because I promised to hold myself accountable to my feelings and not hide them away, what better way to do that than write about it in a public forum?
The other night, I experienced a very common occurrence. A very small, thin individual sat down on a bench, and the bench collapsed. The individual wasn't hurt, and the source was that the bench was not put up right, so anyone who would have sat on the bench would have made it collapse. However, that did not change the laughter. And I admit, I laughed too, it was really funny to see someone at one moment squatting to sit down, and the next minute on the floor. And then the comments came in. And I am sure you know what those comments were....
It got me thinking, and I don't think this is a unique experience. If someone that was overweight would have sat on that bench and collapsed, the comments wouldn't have been funny. How many of us would have said "wow, that bench doesn't support the weight," or something to that effect? When in all honesty, that bench can and does support up to 1,500 pounds. But we don't think of that. We only see the body size of the person.
I am someone that has struggled with their weight and body image my entire life. My entire family is large, and even to the point where some family members have medical conditions because of their weight. In a family that needs to order special clothing for their size, I am really the odd person out. Ok, personal disclosure... this is scary. I am, what I consider, an average size. I wear a size 8-10, depending on the brand, and I weight about 140 with my thigh muscles. I probably weight about half of what my sister weighs. Which is fine. But my entire life, there has been this huge conflicting disconnect in my brain when it comes to body image and weight, and it's hard to deal with.
In my family, I am called "skinny minny." I am constantly told that I am wasting away, and I am so thin. In society, I am told that I am too big, I can be a plus sized model, and I have too many curves. It's confusing and so different.
When I was in high school, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be the cheerleader and the popular person, and I thought the best way to do that would be to be skinny. I basically ruined my metabolism those years, by eating only about 400 calories a day. I understand how unhealthy that is, but at the time, I couldn't think of any other way to feel better about myself. At lunch, I would buy a bottle of water and a bowl of 100 calorie cereal, and feel proud of myself. But here's the thing...it doesn't make sense. My self worth is not tied into my weight. When I lived in Arkansas, I was the heaviest I have ever been, and I was also the happiest I have ever been. Because I chose to live my life, not worry about what others see in me.
This is my issue. Sizeism is here, and it's very very real. Subconscious thoughts, mutterings under breath, blatant discrimination, it's all here and you can see it every single day. The fact that the average woman in America wears a size 16, yet you don't see a single woman over 120 pounds in popular media is a great example. The fact that young children can't find larger sizes in the "popular" stores is alienating. The fact that if a person of average size sits on a chair and it breaks and the comments are different than if it were a person of small size is discriminatory. This is all very hurtful, and leads to a lot of unhealthy behaviors.
Studies have shown that the general population considers people that are overweight to be incompetent. Just by judging their appearance. How the hell do you know what a person is capable of just by looking at them? Why are we, the general population, judging people based on the number on their scale?
I don't want to go into the whole reasoning why people weigh they way they do. I understand there are many reasons people can be overweight. But this is not what this blog is about. It's about understanding that regardless of why, regardless of the reason people weigh what they do, they are people. And larger society is discriminatory, unfair, and has very unrealistic expectations.
Here's my thing. Who cares what people weigh? What difference or matter is it to you? Why can't we treat people like people, instead of pre-judging based on appearance? I have really struggled with my weight and body image, simply because society gives us a standard for what is appropriate. But what I think we don't understand is that we can change that standard, and have no standard at all!
It's not about weight. It's about health. It's not about a number, it's about how you feel inside. Weight is just another example of society working to create this "otherness," this sense that there is a norm and there are people that don't fit into that norm. But I am saying there doesn't have to be a norm. We all should be free to be who we are.
Discrimination comes in all forms. It's not just about blatant things. Here's my challenge to you. Just think about your interactions with people. Think and check yourself. What are your assumptions when you approach different people? What are you changing about yourself based on who you approach? If we can all make a pledge to not treat people differently because of their size, maybe there wouldn't be so many bad things. Maybe people wouldn't feel pressured to be a certain way and exhibit unhealthy behaviors. Maybe this world could be a better place. And that's all I ask.
The other night, I experienced a very common occurrence. A very small, thin individual sat down on a bench, and the bench collapsed. The individual wasn't hurt, and the source was that the bench was not put up right, so anyone who would have sat on the bench would have made it collapse. However, that did not change the laughter. And I admit, I laughed too, it was really funny to see someone at one moment squatting to sit down, and the next minute on the floor. And then the comments came in. And I am sure you know what those comments were....
It got me thinking, and I don't think this is a unique experience. If someone that was overweight would have sat on that bench and collapsed, the comments wouldn't have been funny. How many of us would have said "wow, that bench doesn't support the weight," or something to that effect? When in all honesty, that bench can and does support up to 1,500 pounds. But we don't think of that. We only see the body size of the person.
I am someone that has struggled with their weight and body image my entire life. My entire family is large, and even to the point where some family members have medical conditions because of their weight. In a family that needs to order special clothing for their size, I am really the odd person out. Ok, personal disclosure... this is scary. I am, what I consider, an average size. I wear a size 8-10, depending on the brand, and I weight about 140 with my thigh muscles. I probably weight about half of what my sister weighs. Which is fine. But my entire life, there has been this huge conflicting disconnect in my brain when it comes to body image and weight, and it's hard to deal with.
In my family, I am called "skinny minny." I am constantly told that I am wasting away, and I am so thin. In society, I am told that I am too big, I can be a plus sized model, and I have too many curves. It's confusing and so different.
When I was in high school, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be the cheerleader and the popular person, and I thought the best way to do that would be to be skinny. I basically ruined my metabolism those years, by eating only about 400 calories a day. I understand how unhealthy that is, but at the time, I couldn't think of any other way to feel better about myself. At lunch, I would buy a bottle of water and a bowl of 100 calorie cereal, and feel proud of myself. But here's the thing...it doesn't make sense. My self worth is not tied into my weight. When I lived in Arkansas, I was the heaviest I have ever been, and I was also the happiest I have ever been. Because I chose to live my life, not worry about what others see in me.
This is my issue. Sizeism is here, and it's very very real. Subconscious thoughts, mutterings under breath, blatant discrimination, it's all here and you can see it every single day. The fact that the average woman in America wears a size 16, yet you don't see a single woman over 120 pounds in popular media is a great example. The fact that young children can't find larger sizes in the "popular" stores is alienating. The fact that if a person of average size sits on a chair and it breaks and the comments are different than if it were a person of small size is discriminatory. This is all very hurtful, and leads to a lot of unhealthy behaviors.
Studies have shown that the general population considers people that are overweight to be incompetent. Just by judging their appearance. How the hell do you know what a person is capable of just by looking at them? Why are we, the general population, judging people based on the number on their scale?
I don't want to go into the whole reasoning why people weigh they way they do. I understand there are many reasons people can be overweight. But this is not what this blog is about. It's about understanding that regardless of why, regardless of the reason people weigh what they do, they are people. And larger society is discriminatory, unfair, and has very unrealistic expectations.
Here's my thing. Who cares what people weigh? What difference or matter is it to you? Why can't we treat people like people, instead of pre-judging based on appearance? I have really struggled with my weight and body image, simply because society gives us a standard for what is appropriate. But what I think we don't understand is that we can change that standard, and have no standard at all!
It's not about weight. It's about health. It's not about a number, it's about how you feel inside. Weight is just another example of society working to create this "otherness," this sense that there is a norm and there are people that don't fit into that norm. But I am saying there doesn't have to be a norm. We all should be free to be who we are.
Discrimination comes in all forms. It's not just about blatant things. Here's my challenge to you. Just think about your interactions with people. Think and check yourself. What are your assumptions when you approach different people? What are you changing about yourself based on who you approach? If we can all make a pledge to not treat people differently because of their size, maybe there wouldn't be so many bad things. Maybe people wouldn't feel pressured to be a certain way and exhibit unhealthy behaviors. Maybe this world could be a better place. And that's all I ask.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Why I won't see The Lorax
I would like to start this post by saying, I apologize Dr. Seuss, for doing this on your birthday. I love Dr. Seuss with everything, and as a fellow Schenectady resident for a time in his life, it pains me to write this post. But bear with me, I promise this is not a personal attack on Dr. Seuss, nor is it a personal attack against the book The Lorax, which is one of my favorite children's books.
Also as a caveat, I have not seen the movie. I plan to not see the movie, I am only basing my arguments here off of what I saw in the advertisements.
So here's my issue. In one of the preview advertisements for this movie, there is a scene where a character says something to the effect of "you can't hit a girl," and the other character says "that's a girl?" Or something like that. This is my issue.
First of all, if you have read my blog posts before, you know that gender is a hot button topic for me. I hate that this small example of people making fun of gender ambiguity is still a focus of "cheap laughs." Who cares of you cannot tell is someone is a girl or a boy? What is to say that there are people that fall into only those two categories? It's frustrating to me that this is still something that is considered humorous, that if you don't fit into defined categories, you are considered "weird," a "freak," or at least laughable. It's hurtful and dangerous to our society.
What makes it worse, in my opinion, is that this movie is being marketed to children and the general public. I can guarantee you, if this scene is in the actual movie, that people will laugh at that line. And that hurts me, because it is telling young children and the general population that you need to stick to very defined gender roles in order to fit into society. If you are female, this movie line is saying you have to dress like a "female," and act "feminine." Otherwise you will be ridiculed.
I fully understand that this movie is one extremely small example of these norms being pounded into people's heads every single minute of every single day. I fully understand that most people don't even give this type of comment second thoughts. But imagine, just for a moment, if you don't fit into these norms that society feeds you. What if you feel more comfortable being genderqueer or ambiguous with your dress? And you happen to see people laughing at a character on a movie screen that you maybe identify with? How do you think that person feels? Do you think they feel it's safe for them to be themselves? Doubtful.
I guess I get disappointed with movie studios and media when they use cheap and hurtful things like making fun of individuals that don't fit into categories laid out by society just for cheap laughs. People are smart- there are some awesome movies out there that are incredibly smart and incredibly funny, without causing harm to people and identities.
Why, instead of the media and society teaching people that it's wrong to be different, can't media and society teach people it's awesome to be who you are? For people that, for example, are genderqueer and don't fit their gender roles, embrace that and consider it awesome? What a great lesson that would be. Where is the mainstream movie about that?
Therefore, I will not be going to see The Lorax. Not because I think me not buying a ticket is a way to protest, because $9 probably won't affect much in the movie studios. But because I feel I would get frustrated at the movie, and I don't want to pay $9 to be frustrated. Even the popcorn isn't worth that. I'm also not telling you not to see it. Like I said, The Lorax is one of my favorite children's book with an incredibly important message about the environment. I would just ask that, if you do happen to see the movie, or anything that makes fun of individuals that are not conforming to social norms, to have discussions about it and think about the message that is being received. That's all I ask.
And because I can, here is an adorable picture of my lovable cats, who probably would cuddle with the Lorax, would he be real:
Also as a caveat, I have not seen the movie. I plan to not see the movie, I am only basing my arguments here off of what I saw in the advertisements.
So here's my issue. In one of the preview advertisements for this movie, there is a scene where a character says something to the effect of "you can't hit a girl," and the other character says "that's a girl?" Or something like that. This is my issue.
First of all, if you have read my blog posts before, you know that gender is a hot button topic for me. I hate that this small example of people making fun of gender ambiguity is still a focus of "cheap laughs." Who cares of you cannot tell is someone is a girl or a boy? What is to say that there are people that fall into only those two categories? It's frustrating to me that this is still something that is considered humorous, that if you don't fit into defined categories, you are considered "weird," a "freak," or at least laughable. It's hurtful and dangerous to our society.
What makes it worse, in my opinion, is that this movie is being marketed to children and the general public. I can guarantee you, if this scene is in the actual movie, that people will laugh at that line. And that hurts me, because it is telling young children and the general population that you need to stick to very defined gender roles in order to fit into society. If you are female, this movie line is saying you have to dress like a "female," and act "feminine." Otherwise you will be ridiculed.
I fully understand that this movie is one extremely small example of these norms being pounded into people's heads every single minute of every single day. I fully understand that most people don't even give this type of comment second thoughts. But imagine, just for a moment, if you don't fit into these norms that society feeds you. What if you feel more comfortable being genderqueer or ambiguous with your dress? And you happen to see people laughing at a character on a movie screen that you maybe identify with? How do you think that person feels? Do you think they feel it's safe for them to be themselves? Doubtful.
I guess I get disappointed with movie studios and media when they use cheap and hurtful things like making fun of individuals that don't fit into categories laid out by society just for cheap laughs. People are smart- there are some awesome movies out there that are incredibly smart and incredibly funny, without causing harm to people and identities.
Why, instead of the media and society teaching people that it's wrong to be different, can't media and society teach people it's awesome to be who you are? For people that, for example, are genderqueer and don't fit their gender roles, embrace that and consider it awesome? What a great lesson that would be. Where is the mainstream movie about that?
Therefore, I will not be going to see The Lorax. Not because I think me not buying a ticket is a way to protest, because $9 probably won't affect much in the movie studios. But because I feel I would get frustrated at the movie, and I don't want to pay $9 to be frustrated. Even the popcorn isn't worth that. I'm also not telling you not to see it. Like I said, The Lorax is one of my favorite children's book with an incredibly important message about the environment. I would just ask that, if you do happen to see the movie, or anything that makes fun of individuals that are not conforming to social norms, to have discussions about it and think about the message that is being received. That's all I ask.
And because I can, here is an adorable picture of my lovable cats, who probably would cuddle with the Lorax, would he be real:
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The toughest lesson to learn
I know I typically talk about social justice and things that are bothering me about society, but I feel like this is an issue that people can relate to. I think it's an important issue too, so forgive me for being personal for a bit.
Life is hard, I know that. I also know the phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all." But what happens when you give your heart away to someone, and they stomp on it, and they also stomp on many other people's hearts?
Specifically, I brought someone into my life that I trusted. I really did, and opened myself up to this person, which is a rare thing for me. This person was toxic in every way possible, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. Until this person influenced and became toxic for other people in my life, and I feel this responsibility for it. If I would have noticed the warning signs earlier, I could have stopped this. If I were only stronger, I would have stood up for myself.
Here's the lesson I cannot quite grasp yet. I don't trust my own feelings. I am an analytical person. For my student affairs/psych friends, on the MBTI scale, I am 90% T. I don't use my feelings often to make decisions, and rational thinking is my way of going. I can always justify things in my mind, and I can always reason with myself to give people "one more chance." But sometimes, that gets me in a lot of trouble.
My recent example is not the first time, and it probably won't be my last time of me not trusting my feelings. I have allowed myself to let things go on way longer than they should have for many reasons. And it shames me to say that in 2 major instances in my life, it has a detrimental effect on me and others around me.
I can't just wake up in the morning and feel better. I can't just wake up in the morning and feel stronger for "getting through" a tough situation. Yes, it was and still is a really tough situation. I am slowly getting out of my depression and fear, but at the same time, I have these lingering thoughts. Why wasn't I strong enough? I should have known better.
My biggest downfall is I think too much. I have emotions, don't get me wrong. But I don't always pay attention to them or know what to do with them. And then it leads to these disastrous situations in which I am broken, others are broken, and all I want to do is fix it, but I can't even fix myself.
The toughest lesson for me to learn is to trust my instincts. Rational thinking is so good, it really is, and I pride myself in having those critical thinking skills, that common sense, and the ability to see all sides of a situation. But sometimes, there is more to the world. You can't just think. You have to listen to your emotion and know what to do with it. It's tough. I have so much disappointment for myself, and I am trying to learn lessons from these situations, but it is hard.
I understand that this feels very "victim" like, and I feel that way at the moment. I also feel like I don't want to be called a victim, because that means someone else has control over me. This whole blog is me trying to regain control over myself and not allowing anyone, especially one toxic person, to control my emotions or thoughts. Therefore, I would like to be called empowered. I once was victimized; I am now empowered to take my own control back and slowly become the best person I can be, learning all the lessons I can. I know it will be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs, and it has been tough already. But I am ready to heal. I am ready to forgive myself, and I am ready to think about trusting again. It's going to take time. I know that. But these are lessons I need to learn.
So this is my personal blog for my feelings. I don't want sympathy or empathy, as I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me that are my support. I want accountability, and I want to hold myself in check. Yes, life is hard, but what's even harder is forgiving yourself. And with this blog, me admitting to the general population my true feelings and that I was victimized, it is my way of helping me not ignore my feelings and pain, but instead taking ownership over them. And that my friends, is what is going to help me heal. Taking control of myself and my emotions and not letting toxic people ruin me. I will learn that, and I will heal. Thank you all for listening.
Life is hard, I know that. I also know the phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all." But what happens when you give your heart away to someone, and they stomp on it, and they also stomp on many other people's hearts?
Specifically, I brought someone into my life that I trusted. I really did, and opened myself up to this person, which is a rare thing for me. This person was toxic in every way possible, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. Until this person influenced and became toxic for other people in my life, and I feel this responsibility for it. If I would have noticed the warning signs earlier, I could have stopped this. If I were only stronger, I would have stood up for myself.
Here's the lesson I cannot quite grasp yet. I don't trust my own feelings. I am an analytical person. For my student affairs/psych friends, on the MBTI scale, I am 90% T. I don't use my feelings often to make decisions, and rational thinking is my way of going. I can always justify things in my mind, and I can always reason with myself to give people "one more chance." But sometimes, that gets me in a lot of trouble.
My recent example is not the first time, and it probably won't be my last time of me not trusting my feelings. I have allowed myself to let things go on way longer than they should have for many reasons. And it shames me to say that in 2 major instances in my life, it has a detrimental effect on me and others around me.
I can't just wake up in the morning and feel better. I can't just wake up in the morning and feel stronger for "getting through" a tough situation. Yes, it was and still is a really tough situation. I am slowly getting out of my depression and fear, but at the same time, I have these lingering thoughts. Why wasn't I strong enough? I should have known better.
My biggest downfall is I think too much. I have emotions, don't get me wrong. But I don't always pay attention to them or know what to do with them. And then it leads to these disastrous situations in which I am broken, others are broken, and all I want to do is fix it, but I can't even fix myself.
The toughest lesson for me to learn is to trust my instincts. Rational thinking is so good, it really is, and I pride myself in having those critical thinking skills, that common sense, and the ability to see all sides of a situation. But sometimes, there is more to the world. You can't just think. You have to listen to your emotion and know what to do with it. It's tough. I have so much disappointment for myself, and I am trying to learn lessons from these situations, but it is hard.
I understand that this feels very "victim" like, and I feel that way at the moment. I also feel like I don't want to be called a victim, because that means someone else has control over me. This whole blog is me trying to regain control over myself and not allowing anyone, especially one toxic person, to control my emotions or thoughts. Therefore, I would like to be called empowered. I once was victimized; I am now empowered to take my own control back and slowly become the best person I can be, learning all the lessons I can. I know it will be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs, and it has been tough already. But I am ready to heal. I am ready to forgive myself, and I am ready to think about trusting again. It's going to take time. I know that. But these are lessons I need to learn.
So this is my personal blog for my feelings. I don't want sympathy or empathy, as I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me that are my support. I want accountability, and I want to hold myself in check. Yes, life is hard, but what's even harder is forgiving yourself. And with this blog, me admitting to the general population my true feelings and that I was victimized, it is my way of helping me not ignore my feelings and pain, but instead taking ownership over them. And that my friends, is what is going to help me heal. Taking control of myself and my emotions and not letting toxic people ruin me. I will learn that, and I will heal. Thank you all for listening.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Phrases that tick me off: "opposite sex."
If you have read one or two of my blogs, you know that there are things that happen to piss me off. Phrases people say, not understanding what they mean, are the biggest things that bother me. Take for example, "opposite sex." Now, in theory, there seems to be nothing wrong with this. The general population has decided that there are 2 sexes: male and female, and because of that, they are different and opposite in all ways, and that is that.
However, I don't agree. On many levels. I don't agree that there are 2 sexes. I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex.
First things first. I believe sex is on a spectrum. I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind. There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes. There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris. So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum? I understand that there are biological differences. But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.
I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be. Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense. On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically. But then there is everything in between. So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes. But that isn't correct.
Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise. There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking. This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me. There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.
I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex." That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into.
Those are just my thoughts and ramblings. I am open for a debate.... what do you think? Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?
However, I don't agree. On many levels. I don't agree that there are 2 sexes. I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex.
First things first. I believe sex is on a spectrum. I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind. There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes. There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris. So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum? I understand that there are biological differences. But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.
I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be. Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense. On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically. But then there is everything in between. So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes. But that isn't correct.
Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise. There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking. This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me. There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.
I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex." That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into.
Those are just my thoughts and ramblings. I am open for a debate.... what do you think? Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?
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