Tigers Above, Tigers Below

Have you ever heard of that story, in which a person is hanging on a cliff, with only a branch to hold onto?  There are tigers below, and tigers above.  The person can't climb up, the tigers are chewing away at the branch, and it is inevitable the person will die regardless of which way they turn.  But the person then sees an apple, and reaches to it, and starts to eat this delicious apple.

Even in my terrible storytelling paraphrasing, the point of this story is to enjoy the little moments in life.  Death is inevitable; pain and heartache is inevitable.  But if you focus on the small things, the little things that bring you happiness, it is easier to live in the moment and understand what life is all about.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, in my quest for happiness.  If you follow my blog at all, you know happiness is a concept I struggle with a lot.  Lately it has been even more of a struggle, as my life has taken me on very unexpected journeys and unexpected twists and turns.  I am trying hard to refocus and figure out what I want in my life, and with that comes a lot of soul searching.

This Tigers Above, Tigers Below story really speaks to me.  One of the biggest things I have been trying to focus on is what makes me happy.  Not for an entire day, not for an entire hour even.  In each moment, what makes my soul soar?  What is my apple? 

And I am beginning to realize it is the little things.  It's the way my cats drop their toy mice at my feet.  It's the way my heart feels lighter when my roller skates hit the floor.  It's the way sitting at a diner at midnight with my derby team makes me feel, laughing like a 12 year old kid.  It's the way a warm mug of coffee feels against my hands in the morning.  It's the feeling of a hot shower after a long and sweaty practice.  It's how I feel when I execute a good move at a derby scrimmage.

I can't change the fact that there are tigers above me, and tigers below me.  They will always be there.  Sometimes they are me and my mind.  There will always be those obstacles, those things that just plain suck.  But what I can change is my perspective. I don't need to always focus on those tigers.  I don't need to let them bother me.  Because I can find something that makes me feel better.  And I need to do it.

So here's my goal.  In order to refocus my life and try to be a happier me, I am going to focus on my apples.  Yes, there are always the tigers.  A lot of tigers, lately.  But you make the best of the situation.  You focus on what you can control, you change your perspective, and you live in the moment.  I had this "aha!" moment this evening.  I was feeling pretty shitty about a lot of things, and I am incredibly stressed out at the moment. I was trying to clean my apartment when Albus, the sweetest cat in the world, dropped his toy mouse at my feet and looked up expectantly at me.  His face was so proud, and it just made me laugh out loud.  My heart instantly lightened. 

It's things like that.  I'm not going to ignore the bad.  I'm not going to create a false sense of reality.  But I am going to try to remember the good feelings, bring what makes me happy to myself, and change my perspective on things.  It won't be easy, it takes practice to refocus from those tigers.  But I am ready for the challenge, because I need it in life.

And to inspire you, if you would like, one of my favorite singers, Ellis Delaney, performing her song "Tigers Above, Tigers Below:"

The jam of life

So, I got a new job recently.  I up and moved at the end of January, accepted a new position that is a positive career change for me, and currently have been trying to settle into a new routine and a new home with my kitties.

Change is always an interesting thing, and with change comes challenges.  Challenges that I haven't faced before, and challenges that knock me on my ass.  Literally and figuratively.  With the new job and a new home, I also transferred to a new roller derby league.  I am not sure if you know this about me, but I basically prioritize my life like this:  Work, cats, roller derby.  Everything else fits in somehow, but the three things that matter the most to me are the three things I spend the most time at.  So these changes basically changed my entire life around.

With these changes, the biggest difference is how out of my element I am at times.  I specifically realized this today, as nothing seemed to go my way.  I have been in a funk for a few weeks now, and this weekend I made a pledge to myself that I will choose happiness.  I will look at the positives of things, and I won't let things get me down.

Well, today my pledge of happiness didn't go to far.  It seemed like every time I tried to take a positive step, or every time I tried to do something, I got knocked down.  And as I lay here at midnight on a rainy night, I am realizing that my funk will only get worse if I keep at this.

Tonight at roller derby practice, I felt out of my element.  I always feel like I am a terrible player when I play with the A team; my new league is a complete challenge in every aspect of the sport.  They are faster, more powerful, and more skilled than my previous league.  I am not a very good derby player; I play because I love it, and I do push myself, but I understand that I have limitations as a person.  Tonight was a mixed scrimmage night with the A team and the B team, and I have to say the opposing team was very heavily A team.

In my new league, everyone jams - again, out of my element.  I have never really been a jammer, and I have never really called myself a jammer.  My confidence as a jammer is zero, zilch, none.  I shake every time someone hands me the star helmet cover.  But tonight, I jammed.  Against a very skilled team.  It wasn't anything new, I had jammed before.  But tonight was different.

I got knocked down every 2 seconds in the jam.  I am not a skilled jammer, and I struggle to get around people that have more lateral movement than me.  I don't react quick enough, so I spent the majority of my time as a jammer on the floor, after taking hit after hit by the opposing team.  Needless to say, it was pretty demoralizing and I didn't jam at all after that.

My day outside of derby was a lot like that jam.  I constantly felt like the target that kept being pushed down.  And even though I vowed to be positive, sometimes you can only take so much.  My day was demoralizing, then I went to derby practice, where I failed as well.

But here I am, realizing something.  In roller derby, you focus on 2 minutes at a time.  Each jam can last 2 minutes, but that's it.  Then you get to start all over again, and things could be different.  When I went out in the scrimmage after my jammer incident, I was a blocker, and I did a couple of good things.  I also did a lot of terrible things, but each jam was something different and I was able to focus on that period of time, not what had happened in the past.

And I realized I need to live my life like that.  Live in the moment.  Don't focus on what happened in the past, because every day you get an opportunity to be different.  Every day is a fresh start, and you just have to see that.  What happened today, where I constantly got knocked down, doesn't need to happen tomorrow.  Tomorrow could be the best day of my life- how will I know until I get there?  Yes, these things I left and feel will still be there.  But tomorrow there will be new challenges, new ideas, new thoughts.  And who's to say that those challenges and thoughts will be the same?  It's all in how I look at it.

If I learn something from being knocked down that I can use for the next jam in roller derby, it might be worth it to suck for 2 minutes.  If I had a really shitty day, but the next day can learn from it and move on, let's do it.  That's what roller derby, and life, is all about.  It's about learning and bettering yourself, and not focusing on the past.  It's about being the best you can be, in that moment. 

So I vow, from here on out, to live every day like a jam.  I get to start fresh tomorrow; what happens today is great, and I need to focus on it and be the best I can be today, but when the day is over, I need to move on.  Learn the lessons, take the lessons with me and utilize them in the future, but don't dwell on the negatives.  And who cares if I get lead jammer?  If I do, that is awesome and I'll count that as a personal accomplishment.  But if I don't, at least I got to play.

Can a business change?

I'm conflicted, and I don't know what my opinion is on this.  If a business has stated their opinion on an issue, can they change that?  What do they need to do in order to "repent," or show they are genuine in their transition?

I got thinking about this today, when I saw Amazon's new commercial for their Kindle.  If you haven't seen it, it basically has a male and a female by a pool.  The female is reading a Kindle, the male is reading a tablet of some sort.  He is having trouble because the sun is reflecting on the tablet, so the female is like "I have a Kindle," and basically it convinces the male to purchase a Kindle.  The male then says he should buy the female a drink, for all her help.  She says something to the effect of "no thanks, my husband is getting me something."  And he goes, "oh mine too!" and it cuts to the bar by the pool, where two men have drinks in hand and wave at the male and female at the pool.

So this is a very casual, very innocent advertisement, that shows Amazon's support for same-sex relationships in a normalized way.  Awesome, right?  I love things like that.  I am not sure how mainstream this commerical will go, but it's a great start.

But here's my confusion.  A few years ago, I decided to stop supporting Amazon because they decided to list all of their LGBTQ material as "adult," thus not showing up in general searches on the site.  This move, was to me, a blatant example of how this company wasn't supportive of same-sex relationships and individuals that identified as gay, and did not work to make homosexuality mainstream.  In fact, it basically spread the message that homosexuality was to be hidden and wasn't safe for the mainstream.

I am conscious of my "economic vote," and so I decided not to purchase items from Amazon because of that.  But then this happens.  And I get confused.

The same thing happened with Toms shoes.  The founder of Toms was slated to speak at a Focus on the Family event.  If you are not aware, Focus on the Family is an organization that uses the Bible to attack homosexuality, and in my opinion, can be considered a hate group.  The founder apparently backed out after there was some backlash about the situation.  But it's sort of the same thing.  Did the founder not care about supporting a proven discriminatory group until his business would be compromised?

Or Dr. Pepper.  Remember those commercials where Dr. Pepper had so many flavors, it was only for men?  But now it has changed its marketing to focus more on Dr. Pepper being for the unique people, which is all of us, apparently.  Especially roller derby mothers, which I do appreciate roller derby being in the mainstream.  But still.  

I'm sure there are more examples of this, of businesses, or even people, making changes and changing their tune.  And I'm torn on how to react to it.

On one hand, awesome for them for changing.  I genuinely hope that these new changes are because they think supporting equality is the right thing to do.  The educator in me is proud that they have grown, and hope that they have learned from their past actions.

But on the other hand, did they really learn from their past experiences?  Or is this just a change in marketing based solely on the backlash the companies received from their past experiences?  Can you ignore a company's history and support them, even when they burned you in the past? Or am I just holding a gruge that doesn't need to be held?

I think I can forgive, but not forget.  I believe in growth and change, and I know that individual people can do it.  In fact, I chose my career off of helping people grow and develop.  So why can't larger companies and corporations?  It just is an interesting concept to me, and I want to ask why.  I want to sit down with the folks in charge of marketing, and understand what made the change happen, and help to understand why this shift in thinking happened.

So forgive.  Yes, Dr. Pepper.  I forgive you for being sexist.  Amazon, I forgive you for considering me a second class citizen.  Toms, I forgive you for potentially perpetuating hate.  But I cannot forget, and while I will continue to buy Toms shoes, and I will start shopping at Amazon.com again, I will tread carefully.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

What are your thoughts?  Do you think these changes in marketing and opinions are genuine?

New year, new life?

Happy New Year, everyone.  I typically don't consider New Year's to be a special celebration, and I have never made any New Year's resolutions.  I always consider that to be weird; so often people start "new" with good intentions, and then it all just falls to the wayside.  I don't want to be that person.

But this year was different for some reason.  It might be because I was in a plane with faulty steering when 2012 ended and 2013 started.  Or maybe it was because 2012 was probably one of the worst years, emotionally, that I have ever had.  But something needs to change in my life, and hey, no time like the present.  In my holiday break, I had a LOT of time to think and reflect over the year, and I realized that I need to start taking control of my life in all aspects, and not let other people have control over me or my emotions. 

Therefore, I have created, not resolutions, but goals.  And SMART goals at that- Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely.  To me, goals seem more real than resolutions. 

Why am I telling you this?  Well, here's the thing.  I often have great ideas for change, and I tell myself all the time how this is going to be it.  That I truly am going to do this, but I have trouble holding myself accountable.  But research has shown that if you write down your goals, if you share your goals with other people, that you are more likely to achieve them.  And I am looking for success here.  So not only will I blog this, share it, but I am also printing out the goals and posting them in my apartment, as a constant reminder of what I need to do.  It's a process, but I am hoping 2013 is the year of healing.

So without further adieu, my 2013 goals:

1. Run a 5K.  I have always wanted to do this, and no time like the present, right?  There was a time that I was running pretty consistently, and I felt amazing.  I really did enjoy the experience, so I want to get back into it.  And a 5K is pretty manageable.  I will work to find one near the middle/end of the year, so that I have time to train and feel confident about it.

2. Be ok with being with myself.  I have come to realize, especially in the past couple of months, that I depend on other people, and I can't always do that.  The only person that I need to depend on is myself.  I need to be ok with being alone, with being a productive person on my own.  I will know that this is accomplished if I am able to sit at home, by myself, and not feel sad or upset.  I plan to focus on the positives in my life, work on finding projects for myself that I find therapeutic, and become my own best friend.

3. Finish my teeth surgeries/implants.  This is more of a concrete goal, but something I have been putting off for the past year.  As a short explanation, I have teeth issues- I was born without 2 permanent teeth, which caused a lot of issues and shifting in my mouth.  I had braces for 4 years, and now just need to purchase and get 2 tooth implants.  Problem is, I don't really have the money for it and it is super expensive.  However, I need to do it.  It will make me feel better about myself and make me feel productive.  So I will think creatively about money options, make appointments, and finish this up.  It's time.

4. Weekly Gratitude.  I am an introvert, and with that, comes my internal focus.  This creates problems because sometimes it's hard for me to look outwards.  And when I am focusing on being more positive in life, I sometimes ignore the positive and beautiful things around me.  I have created a "weekly gratitude" goal, so that once a week I thank someone.  Seems simple, right?  I can do it verbally, with a note, or with an action.  But this is going to allow me to reflect on my experiences and reflect on the positive parts of my life.

5. Take control of my life around my family.  This one is hard to explain, and I know people don't often understand my family concerns or issues.  Basically, I am not myself around my family, and I turn numb when I am with them so I don't have to feel.  But I need to take control of myself, so I don't get into this phase of numbness, because it takes a long time to get out of that state of numb.  So I am going to not allow them to make decisions for me.  As an example, my mother bought me a plane ticket to visit Minnesota over this holiday break. She didn't consult with me.  She just bought it, and set her own dates that didn't really work for me.  I was planning to drive to save money.  Next year, I am going to say no.  I am going to drive if I want to, and if she still buys a plane ticket, I won't get on the plane.  I will know that I have taken control of my own life around my family if I stick to my plans, even if it means making them upset.


Those are my goals.  I think they are good, and will help me to be more focused, and hopefully work to heal my soul a bit, which is needed.  So with a new year, doesn't necessarily mean comes a new me, but it does mean getting serious about being the best me.  And that sounds pretty good to me.

Did you make any goals or resolutions for the new year?

People First

Hi folks,

I hope everyone survived a dramatic election night, and hopefully we can all move forward from here, whatever your political leanings and beliefs are.

One of the things that has bothered me throughout this election is the language used by both parties and by a lot of people.  This is also a general annoyance in real life, and I feel it has some serious repurcussions.

I am a huge proponant for "people first" language.  Meaning, you don't put a describer before the person.  So you shouldn't say things like:

• My gay friend
• That black person
• That autistic student

I think you get the drift. 

Here's my concern with language like this.  By putting the identity of a person before the actual person, you are automatically boxing them into a category that is not their only category.  Sure, you probably do have a gay friend.  But is that their ONLY characteristic?  How about saying, "I have a friend who is gay..." That way, your audience will see that that they are a person first, and not completely characterized by one of their identities.

So often, I think, people get caught up in one identity and forget that we all have intersecting identities.  Yes, someone may be gay.  Or they may be black.  But that is not all of who they are.  It's a part of them.  It can be a huge part of a person, certain identities.  But then we fail to see the other identities.  What about their gender identity?  What about their sex?  What about their religious beliefs?  What about their class?  All these identities and many more all make up who a person is.  There isn't just one thing, and by describing someone based solely on one identity, I feel we are categorizing people unfairly.

Let's role play for a moment.  Think of one identity that you have.  It can be class, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, anything.  Think about it.  And then put that word or phrase in front of your name.  So I would be, for example, "Atheist Connie."  Say it out loud (your's, not mine).  How does it feel?  Do you feel like you need to explain yourself?  I know I do.  Because different identities come with so many different assumptions and stereotypes, it almost seems like, in my opinion, that I lose myself and have to defend an identity.  And that's not good, to lose yourself.

I encourage you to check your language.  Do you use people first language?  Can you try to use people first language?  Because in order to respect people, we need to realize that people are whole, we need to recognize them for all of who they are, not for part of who they are.

Thanks for listening!

The original sin of women

I am a feminist.  I think you could probably tell that.  I think you can probably also tell that I have issues with a lot of things that happen in society.  I recently came across a sign that said "If Eve doomed the entire human race for one apple, what would she do for a klondke bar?"

I get it, it's funny.  I understand the concept of the sign, and it can cause giggles.  I get it.

But I also don't like it.  To me, this speaks to all the subtle and innate oppression issues that women face.

First things first.  I am going to get a bit biblical here, and I am going to talk about my opinions.  My own opinions.  Not fact, not your opinion, but my opinion.  I ask that you respect my opinion, and I will respect yours.  I love a good debate and discussion, so feel free to start one if you would like, in a respectful manner.

There are a lot of stories in the Bible and biblical folklore that really bother me.  But let's focus on one right now.  It is this story of Adam and Eve, which can arguably be one of the most famous stories in the bible aside from Jesus being born.  In my Lutheran upbringings and teaching, the story of Adam and Eve is that God created Adam first, then created Eve out of Adam's rib (first point: there is a bit of man in every woman).  Eve was tempted by the forbidden fruit, and took a bite of a fruit that God said never to eat (second point: Eve, aka women, are easily tempted).  After Eve "sinned," God's punishment was giving Adam and Eve human bodies, meaning they would suffer and die (third point: Eve, aka woman, caused the downfall of humans). 

Let's also look at how Eve is a representation of all women, in popular society.  She was, to use this story, the "first woman" and therefore, all other women were modeled and bore out of her.  Because of that, and because of the above paragraph and story, there have been people that have oppressed and looked down on women solely because of a story the Bible wants us to believe.

I have personal views that could go on for years about whether the Bible is true, where it came from, and what this story is actually talking about.  But here's the point.  It doesn't matter what you believe, and it doesn't matter if you believe.  You have to realize that this story has often led to issues with women.  From the early years, women were seen as not equal to men, innate sinners, and not good enough because of this story.

Even if you don't know or don't believe this, the current oppression, subordination, and punishment of women can easily stem from this story.  So by saying things like "Eve doomed human kind," you basically are perpetuating the myth that women are unequal to men and basically innately bad.  It may not be a pervasive and explicit thing in society, but it definitely is in society in a more implicit way.  There is a belief that Eve is the representation of all women.  And if you put negative qualities and characteristics on Eve, you are then putting these same negative qualities on every single woman in the world.  Whether you think so or not, it is happening.  It has happened, it continues to happen, and it continues to be perpetuated.

The reality is, women are still second-class citizens in today's world.  There may be many reasons for it, but I believe this is one of the reasons this oppression continues.  Because people have a reason to justify it.  But there is no reason to justify it.  Do you think this story is fact?  Could there be other interpretations?  Could there be a reason this story was written this way in the Bible?

There's my opinion and my take on this.  I understand that jokes are funny.  It's funny sometimes to make fun of history, or make fun of stories.  I am not a prude in that way.  I also though, think we all need to understand the impact of our actions.  By making a sign like that or by making a joke about Eve, do you know what impact that makes on people?  On society?  Think about it.  And I just urge you to think about your impact, whether it be an explicit or implicit impact.

That Wasn't Me

In my trend of social justice being the telling of personal stories, I want to continue to share some struggles that I have been dealing with and will continue to deal with.  A personal caveat- these are solely my experiences, and nobody else's.  Everyone deals with mental illnesses in their own way, and this is just my experience and opinion.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety my entire life.  I think I have outgrown a lot of my anxieties, but depression is a very different story.  I was at my lowest in my undergrad years.  Medication and therapy helped a lot, and there was a time several years ago where I was just completely happy.  I was in a great place in life, I was figuring out who I was, I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had a great outlook on life.

Fast forward to now.  I thought, a few years ago, that I had "overcome" depression.  That I had coping mechanisms and could deal with anything that happens in healthy and constructive ways.  I have slowly been realizing that this is not true.  I have not overcome depression and in fact, it probably is something that will always be there with me.  It will be a constant fight.

It starts small, the periods of depression, for me.  The urge to cry at the smallest thing, the urge to stay in bed for 5 more minutes.  Typically I have been able to figure out my warning signs and talk my way out of it.  Rationalize to myself and work to find "happy" things to deal with everything.  But these past few days have shown me that this depression, as much as I want to think I have a handle on it, really is a sneaky little meanie. 

One of the biggest struggles I have had, and continue to have, is validating that depression is a real thing.  Yes, for me, it is incredibly real and I know and understand that it is not just in my head.  It's a chemical imbalance, and something that I cannot fix on my own.  But that wasn't always the case.  Growing up, I had parents that told me sadness was "all in my head," and I just needed an "attitude adjustment."  There was one point, in high school, that I was feeling so helpless, I asked my mother for a professional counseling appointment for my birthday.  She laughed in my face.

The way I was raised, it took me a very long time to acknowledge that mental illnesses were real.  Even now, I think I tend to simplify it sometimes, in order to hide the fact that there is something "wrong" with me.

Here's the thing I need to realize.  There is nothing wrong with me.  There is nothing wrong with anyone that lives with a mental illness.  I think society has stigmatized it for so long, from institutionalizing people suffering, to making fun of mood swings, to everything in between, it is an embarrassing subject.  Nobody talks about mental illness, nobody talks about self-harm.  And they need to.  If people were to talk, tell their stories, don't you think mental illnesses would be seen as a common reality?  Don't you think then, people would be more apt to ask for help and not feel embarrassed?  That people would understand depression or anxiety in a better way, and not feel "weird" or "alone" in their experiences?  Depression is an incredibly isolating thing.  The fact that people don't talk about it and there is a danger in asking for help, only escalates the need for a person going through a depressed state to stay silent.  And that's not right.

Until then, this is my story.  I'm struggling.  It'll pass, it'll get better, but at the moment I am not myself.  I want people to understand that, to know that I would rather be curled in a ball in bed crying than anywhere else at the moment.  And that's ok.  It's not a bad thing, it's not wrong. 

One of the highlights of my low point was last week, when I saw one of my favorite singers ever live.  For those of you who don't know, that person is Brandi Carlile.  She sings this song called "That Wasn't Me." The song was written about addiction, but while she was singing it, it struck me how the meaning could be transferred to what I was going through and experiencing.  So if you are interested, here's Brandi: