I know I typically talk about social justice and things that are bothering me about society, but I feel like this is an issue that people can relate to. I think it's an important issue too, so forgive me for being personal for a bit.
Life is hard, I know that. I also know the phrase, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all." But what happens when you give your heart away to someone, and they stomp on it, and they also stomp on many other people's hearts?
Specifically, I brought someone into my life that I trusted. I really did, and opened myself up to this person, which is a rare thing for me. This person was toxic in every way possible, but I didn't realize it until it was too late. Until this person influenced and became toxic for other people in my life, and I feel this responsibility for it. If I would have noticed the warning signs earlier, I could have stopped this. If I were only stronger, I would have stood up for myself.
Here's the lesson I cannot quite grasp yet. I don't trust my own feelings. I am an analytical person. For my student affairs/psych friends, on the MBTI scale, I am 90% T. I don't use my feelings often to make decisions, and rational thinking is my way of going. I can always justify things in my mind, and I can always reason with myself to give people "one more chance." But sometimes, that gets me in a lot of trouble.
My recent example is not the first time, and it probably won't be my last time of me not trusting my feelings. I have allowed myself to let things go on way longer than they should have for many reasons. And it shames me to say that in 2 major instances in my life, it has a detrimental effect on me and others around me.
I can't just wake up in the morning and feel better. I can't just wake up in the morning and feel stronger for "getting through" a tough situation. Yes, it was and still is a really tough situation. I am slowly getting out of my depression and fear, but at the same time, I have these lingering thoughts. Why wasn't I strong enough? I should have known better.
My biggest downfall is I think too much. I have emotions, don't get me wrong. But I don't always pay attention to them or know what to do with them. And then it leads to these disastrous situations in which I am broken, others are broken, and all I want to do is fix it, but I can't even fix myself.
The toughest lesson for me to learn is to trust my instincts. Rational thinking is so good, it really is, and I pride myself in having those critical thinking skills, that common sense, and the ability to see all sides of a situation. But sometimes, there is more to the world. You can't just think. You have to listen to your emotion and know what to do with it. It's tough. I have so much disappointment for myself, and I am trying to learn lessons from these situations, but it is hard.
I understand that this feels very "victim" like, and I feel that way at the moment. I also feel like I don't want to be called a victim, because that means someone else has control over me. This whole blog is me trying to regain control over myself and not allowing anyone, especially one toxic person, to control my emotions or thoughts. Therefore, I would like to be called empowered. I once was victimized; I am now empowered to take my own control back and slowly become the best person I can be, learning all the lessons I can. I know it will be a roller coaster, with many ups and downs, and it has been tough already. But I am ready to heal. I am ready to forgive myself, and I am ready to think about trusting again. It's going to take time. I know that. But these are lessons I need to learn.
So this is my personal blog for my feelings. I don't want sympathy or empathy, as I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me that are my support. I want accountability, and I want to hold myself in check. Yes, life is hard, but what's even harder is forgiving yourself. And with this blog, me admitting to the general population my true feelings and that I was victimized, it is my way of helping me not ignore my feelings and pain, but instead taking ownership over them. And that my friends, is what is going to help me heal. Taking control of myself and my emotions and not letting toxic people ruin me. I will learn that, and I will heal. Thank you all for listening.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Phrases that tick me off: "opposite sex."
If you have read one or two of my blogs, you know that there are things that happen to piss me off. Phrases people say, not understanding what they mean, are the biggest things that bother me. Take for example, "opposite sex." Now, in theory, there seems to be nothing wrong with this. The general population has decided that there are 2 sexes: male and female, and because of that, they are different and opposite in all ways, and that is that.
However, I don't agree. On many levels. I don't agree that there are 2 sexes. I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex.
First things first. I believe sex is on a spectrum. I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind. There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes. There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris. So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum? I understand that there are biological differences. But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.
I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be. Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense. On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically. But then there is everything in between. So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes. But that isn't correct.
Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise. There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking. This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me. There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.
I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex." That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into.
Those are just my thoughts and ramblings. I am open for a debate.... what do you think? Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?
However, I don't agree. On many levels. I don't agree that there are 2 sexes. I don't believe they are completely different, and I don't agree that we should segregate based on sex.
First things first. I believe sex is on a spectrum. I really like spectrums, and I do think there is a lot more grey area in biological sex than meets the mind. There are individuals that are intersexed, and don't fit into the boxes. There is research being done that a penis is just an enlarged clitoris. So wouldn't it make sense that biological sex is on a spectrum? I understand that there are biological differences. But even then, testosterone and estrogen levels in individuals vary as well.
I guess my point is that sex is more blurred than it seems to be. Think about a spectrum: on one end is a someone with only the highest levels of testosterone, and completely "male" in the biological sense. On the other end is someone with the highest levels of estrogen, and completely "female" biologically. But then there is everything in between. So by saying "opposite sex," basically you are saying there are only 2 sexes. But that isn't correct.
Secondly, the term "opposite sex" implies that there are extreme differences in the sexes, biological or otherwise. There are board games and tv shows out there that talk about how the male sex is the one that likes the outdoors and cars, while the female sex knows everything about cleaning and cooking. This again, just perpetuates the stereotypes of masculinity and femininity, and that bothers me. There is not a difference in males or females; the only difference is what society makes of it.
I would encourage people to stop saying "opposite sex" and start saying "different sex." That implies more than 2 sexes, and it also implies the fact that it's ok to not fit into the small boxes society forces people into.
Those are just my thoughts and ramblings. I am open for a debate.... what do you think? Do you think there are more than 2 biological sexes?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My issue with breast cancer publicity
Hi friends,
I have a real issue with the way breast cancer and some of the campaigns publicize to raise awareness about it. I would just like to state for the record that this is coming from my personal experiences and my background with breast cancer. No, I have not had breast cancer. But several of my family members have, and several family friends have passed away from it. One person that has passed away from breast cancer is my uncle, a biological male.
Remember last year when people would raise awareness of breast cancer by writing the color of their bra in their Facebook status? I thought it was clever- I did. I loved the concept of having this underground secret that really meant something, and using that to educate people on. But I also hated it, because it didn't help the cause any. For a couple reasons, in my opinion.
One reason is that is wasn't inclusive, and breast cancer awareness never seems to be, regardless of the campaign. Yes, it is rare, but it happens. Biological males can get breast cancer. They need to be checking and made aware of this too. The Facebook campaign wasn't inclusive because it explicitly stated "don't tell the men what it means," which implies that men don't need to worry about breast cancer. Which is very wrong.
Additionally, why exclude men from raising awareness of a cause that hits home to everybody? Men make up about half of the world's population- if society wants to change, they need to include everyone. Breast cancer isn't just a "woman's issue," as I have heard it called in the past. Breast cancer is an issue for everyone to be aware of, everyone to raise awareness of, and for everyone to fight.
The same goes for testicular cancer. In this instance, yes, biological females cannot get this cancer. However, it doesn't mean women should be ignoring the issue. Everyone should get involved, and everyone should raise awareness and be concerned about the issue. Even if it doesn't or cannot directly affect you, it is something that can always indirectly affect you.
I guess this strikes a chord in me because I have had an experience of a biological male pass away from breast cancer. It's something that people don't think about. Breast cancer has always been a "female issue." I mean, look at the color of the ribbons to signify breast cancer- pink, which is a stereotypical "feminine" color.
I am not trying to diminish anything or people's experiences with breast cancer. I understand that, according to medical records, 99% of all people with breast cancer are biologically female. So that is only 1% male, but that also makes up for about 2,000 men each year that are diagnosed with breast cancer. Not an insignificant number.
I would just urge everyone, as these campaigns go around Facebook and you notice things about breast cancer campaigns, to think about it and work to be inclusive. Be inclusive in knowing that it can also affect men. Be incluisve in knowing that this is also a "man's issue." Men should also have the responsibility of raising awareness and supporting the cause, same as women. It's not something solely women should do. Cancer of all kinds affect everyone. Everyone should make all cancer their issue so that we can live in a world where cancer can be cured. Someday. Soon.
My cats want a cure for cancer too!
I have a real issue with the way breast cancer and some of the campaigns publicize to raise awareness about it. I would just like to state for the record that this is coming from my personal experiences and my background with breast cancer. No, I have not had breast cancer. But several of my family members have, and several family friends have passed away from it. One person that has passed away from breast cancer is my uncle, a biological male.
Remember last year when people would raise awareness of breast cancer by writing the color of their bra in their Facebook status? I thought it was clever- I did. I loved the concept of having this underground secret that really meant something, and using that to educate people on. But I also hated it, because it didn't help the cause any. For a couple reasons, in my opinion.
One reason is that is wasn't inclusive, and breast cancer awareness never seems to be, regardless of the campaign. Yes, it is rare, but it happens. Biological males can get breast cancer. They need to be checking and made aware of this too. The Facebook campaign wasn't inclusive because it explicitly stated "don't tell the men what it means," which implies that men don't need to worry about breast cancer. Which is very wrong.
Additionally, why exclude men from raising awareness of a cause that hits home to everybody? Men make up about half of the world's population- if society wants to change, they need to include everyone. Breast cancer isn't just a "woman's issue," as I have heard it called in the past. Breast cancer is an issue for everyone to be aware of, everyone to raise awareness of, and for everyone to fight.
The same goes for testicular cancer. In this instance, yes, biological females cannot get this cancer. However, it doesn't mean women should be ignoring the issue. Everyone should get involved, and everyone should raise awareness and be concerned about the issue. Even if it doesn't or cannot directly affect you, it is something that can always indirectly affect you.
I guess this strikes a chord in me because I have had an experience of a biological male pass away from breast cancer. It's something that people don't think about. Breast cancer has always been a "female issue." I mean, look at the color of the ribbons to signify breast cancer- pink, which is a stereotypical "feminine" color.
I am not trying to diminish anything or people's experiences with breast cancer. I understand that, according to medical records, 99% of all people with breast cancer are biologically female. So that is only 1% male, but that also makes up for about 2,000 men each year that are diagnosed with breast cancer. Not an insignificant number.
I would just urge everyone, as these campaigns go around Facebook and you notice things about breast cancer campaigns, to think about it and work to be inclusive. Be inclusive in knowing that it can also affect men. Be incluisve in knowing that this is also a "man's issue." Men should also have the responsibility of raising awareness and supporting the cause, same as women. It's not something solely women should do. Cancer of all kinds affect everyone. Everyone should make all cancer their issue so that we can live in a world where cancer can be cured. Someday. Soon.
My cats want a cure for cancer too!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Kindness
Two weeks ago was World Kindness Day. I was going to post something. I even started the blog. But then life got in the way and I lost track of what I wanted to say and my thoughts about things. So I apologize. I am working on reclaiming myself, and I will never be late with a holiday again.
That being said, World Kindness Day. A day to remember to be kind to everyone. A day to understand that little things can make all the difference. I would like to believe that every day is World Kindness Day, not just one day out of the year.
I often forget that it's the little things that make the difference. An entire day can be changed with a smile. A hug goes a really long way. Dropping a little personal note means the world to some people. I have been going through some emotional times lately, and it has really made me notice what kindness really can do. Buying me a milkshake or giving me a hug really almost made me cry, I was so thankful. These things show that people care. People take 2 seconds out of their day to make me feel better, and I am forever grateful.
And it's not just when I am feeling bad. If I am in the happiest mood in the world, a smile from a stranger or a kind word will mean the world to me then too. And then I am more apt to share and "pay it forward," if you will. I don't think I'm alone in these feelings.
One of the coolest people I have ever got the chance to meet is Paul, the "Ripples" guy. Paul started The Ripples Project, which you can learn more about here: www.theripplesproject.org. Now, as a student affairs person, I love this. It may be corny to some. However, the main points of this project is that small, random acts can ripple down into more, bigger, and greater things. Paul sends out a weekly email every Monday to help motivate growth and passion to people to get through their week. There are zillions of quotes on his website, and he is a dynamic speaker. Basically, the key point is that small things make a huge difference.
I feel this is true in life. The small things make a huge difference. And with that, you can make a huge difference with little effort at times. World Kindness Day is a day that reminds me to make a difference. Smile at a stranger, offer a kind word, give positive reinforcement, and be a pleasant person. It has everything to do with making the world a better place. If we all treated each other better, think of how happy everyone would be.
Additionally, acts of kindness make the giver happy too. I am a forever watcher of the television show "Friends," and there is one episode that always sticks out in my mind. In it, the character Phoebe is challenged to do one act of kindness that does not benefit her as well. If you have seen the episode, you know that she fails. Everything Phoebe does gives her a warm feeling inside too, or benefits her in some ways. And there's nothing wrong with that! Kindness isn't just a give. Kindness radiates from within, and warms not only the person or people it is directed to, but us as well. I know, I know, that's pretty corny. But it's so true.
Here's my challenge. I challenge each of you who read this blog (so all 6 of you) to do one random act of kindness today and see if you can continue it for a week. Just a small, random act of kindness. Nothing big. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just something small and random. See what happens. I am going to take the challenge too. I need some positivity in my life right now, and I feel this challenge will be great for me. And I feel it could be great for everyone. So try it, what do you have to lose?
And finally, a picture of the sweetest little thing, that is always kind to me:
That being said, World Kindness Day. A day to remember to be kind to everyone. A day to understand that little things can make all the difference. I would like to believe that every day is World Kindness Day, not just one day out of the year.
I often forget that it's the little things that make the difference. An entire day can be changed with a smile. A hug goes a really long way. Dropping a little personal note means the world to some people. I have been going through some emotional times lately, and it has really made me notice what kindness really can do. Buying me a milkshake or giving me a hug really almost made me cry, I was so thankful. These things show that people care. People take 2 seconds out of their day to make me feel better, and I am forever grateful.
And it's not just when I am feeling bad. If I am in the happiest mood in the world, a smile from a stranger or a kind word will mean the world to me then too. And then I am more apt to share and "pay it forward," if you will. I don't think I'm alone in these feelings.
One of the coolest people I have ever got the chance to meet is Paul, the "Ripples" guy. Paul started The Ripples Project, which you can learn more about here: www.theripplesproject.org. Now, as a student affairs person, I love this. It may be corny to some. However, the main points of this project is that small, random acts can ripple down into more, bigger, and greater things. Paul sends out a weekly email every Monday to help motivate growth and passion to people to get through their week. There are zillions of quotes on his website, and he is a dynamic speaker. Basically, the key point is that small things make a huge difference.
I feel this is true in life. The small things make a huge difference. And with that, you can make a huge difference with little effort at times. World Kindness Day is a day that reminds me to make a difference. Smile at a stranger, offer a kind word, give positive reinforcement, and be a pleasant person. It has everything to do with making the world a better place. If we all treated each other better, think of how happy everyone would be.
Additionally, acts of kindness make the giver happy too. I am a forever watcher of the television show "Friends," and there is one episode that always sticks out in my mind. In it, the character Phoebe is challenged to do one act of kindness that does not benefit her as well. If you have seen the episode, you know that she fails. Everything Phoebe does gives her a warm feeling inside too, or benefits her in some ways. And there's nothing wrong with that! Kindness isn't just a give. Kindness radiates from within, and warms not only the person or people it is directed to, but us as well. I know, I know, that's pretty corny. But it's so true.
Here's my challenge. I challenge each of you who read this blog (so all 6 of you) to do one random act of kindness today and see if you can continue it for a week. Just a small, random act of kindness. Nothing big. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just something small and random. See what happens. I am going to take the challenge too. I need some positivity in my life right now, and I feel this challenge will be great for me. And I feel it could be great for everyone. So try it, what do you have to lose?
And finally, a picture of the sweetest little thing, that is always kind to me:
Friday, November 4, 2011
Lessons
Just a warning. If you vomit when people tell cute stories about their children, turn away now. Because I am about to tell a cute story. And even worse, it's not about a human child. It's about my cats. Because what else would a cat lady talk about? But I promise, if you don't gag too much within the story, there is a point. And honestly, my cats are super smart and amazing anyway, so you should always want to hear stories about them.
First of all, let me say that I have 2 cats. Albus is the oldest at 2, and Lilith just turned 1. I got Lilith when she was 8 weeks old, and she still had a lot to learn. She took to Albus like he was her parent, and he loved taking care of her and looking after her. I think because she was so young, Lilith learned a lot about being a cat from Albus and me, which probably isn't the best, because Albus is far from a "normal" cat. But it is adorable.
From the start, Lilith was really afraid of my hair dryer. Most mornings, I would dry my hair after taking a shower, and Lilith would run away and hide. However, during hair drying time, it had always been Albus and me time. Albus would run to me, and with my free hand, I would always be petting him. I think he also loved the warm air coming out of the hair dryer. Lilith, being the follower of Albus, always cautiously watched.
One morning, Lilith was sitting there watching me dry my hair from about 10 feet away, when she tentatively started to inch her way closer. Just a step, then sat back down. One more step, and sat down again. She didn't reach the dryer by the time I finished, but I noticed.
The next morning, the same thing. Lilith sat and watched, and inched forward ever so slowly. She got closer than last time, but still no touching.
This went on for awhile, until one day, Lilith got to the cord on the hair dryer. She slowly stuck out one little grey paw, and softy touched the cord of the hair dryer. The minute her paw made contact, she jumped back, terrified. It was a hilarious sight, but she was determined. She went up to the cord again, and reached out her little paw. Again, the moment contact was made, she jumped back.
I think you know where I am going with this story. Finally, about a week after Lilith mustered up the courage to tackle her fear of the hair dryer, she was able to touch the cord without jumping. I was so proud of her.
Yes, she is a cat. Lilith probably doesn't have much concept of rational thinking. However, Lilith saw something she was afraid of, and tentatively took small steps to overcome those fears. Now, whenever I pull out my hair dryer, she is still a bit wary, but doesn't flinch and instead, comes over and tries to play. And for that, I am so very proud of her.
This story makes me think that life is full of "hair dryers." I have a lot of hair dryers, or fears and obstacles that I need to face. I thought about this story because in roller derby, I am having a lot of trouble getting my turn around toe stops. I have been working on these for a very long time, and even go to open skate and just turn around throughout the arena, trying to get comfortable with my turn arounds. I'm currently at the point where I can turn around, pretty ok, as long as I am not too fast or not thinking too much. Obviously this is my fear getting in the way of me being able to do a move in derby that I really need to master. I'm afraid of falling down. Just like when I first started derby, I was so afraid to fall. When you start playing derby, they teach you the "right" way to fall, and so you are forced to do all kinds of knee falls and such. I had such a fear of hurting myself by falling, I physically could not do it. I finally had to stand on my bed and fall, just to get the feeling of allowing myself to do something completely unnatural.
My turn arounds are the same thing. I have such a fear of falling and hurting myself, but I really have to get over it. My turn arounds right now are my hair dryer. They are super scary, but I need to be like Lilith and take small steps, slowly gaining my way into being comfortable with something that freaks me out.
There are other things in my life too that get me fearful. My life has gone through some tough changes lately, and the changes will only continue as I take the next step in my life. I have a job search coming up, and I have no clue where I am going to end up. I have a lot of hair dryers in my way right now. And it scares me a lot.
One thing I didn't mention in this story is that throughout Lilith's struggles with the hair dryer, Albus was by her side the entire time. Now, Albus has issues with change too; they freak him out. In fact, Albus was so stressed out by the change of Lilith coming to live with us, he got stress-related pancreatitis and had to have emergency surgery. He almost died. This is not to say that Albus doesn't adore Lilith; he does, he just has trouble dealing with change sometimes. But that being said, Albus
It's important to have supporters in your life as you conquer your fears. It's important to have someone that will help you celebrate the small victories, and the person that will hold you accountable for taking one more step along the way. I have always been an independent person, and I pride myself in keeping myself accountable. However, sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes you need that extra push. For my turn arounds, for example, if I didn't have an external source telling me I was getting better, I would probably not have the same drive to continue working on them. In my life changes, if I didn't have supporters telling me that my one small steps were big deals, I might not see it that way and get discouraged. I am very thankful for all of my "Albus's" out there, the ones that see my accomplishments for what they are.
I love my cats. I have always loved cats, and I will continue to be a huge cat lady for my life. It's funny how cats have given me so much in life, and are teaching me life lessons. This blog isn't necessarily about changing the world, and it's not necessarily about the injustice people face in society, which are typically the subjects of my blogs. But this blog talks about the personal fears within each of us. I know I'm not the only one with a hair dryer. I know I am not the only one reading this that has some fears they want to conquer. My take away for you in this blog is to reflect on your own personal hair dryer. What is it that you are fearful of?
Acknowledge your own personal hair dryer, and then take one step at a time to overcome that fear. That's all I am asking you. To take one small step each day to overcome those fears you have. It's a journey of personal growth, and I am going to take it right along with you. And hopefully, soon, we all will be comfortable playing with the hair dryer cord.
First of all, let me say that I have 2 cats. Albus is the oldest at 2, and Lilith just turned 1. I got Lilith when she was 8 weeks old, and she still had a lot to learn. She took to Albus like he was her parent, and he loved taking care of her and looking after her. I think because she was so young, Lilith learned a lot about being a cat from Albus and me, which probably isn't the best, because Albus is far from a "normal" cat. But it is adorable.
From the start, Lilith was really afraid of my hair dryer. Most mornings, I would dry my hair after taking a shower, and Lilith would run away and hide. However, during hair drying time, it had always been Albus and me time. Albus would run to me, and with my free hand, I would always be petting him. I think he also loved the warm air coming out of the hair dryer. Lilith, being the follower of Albus, always cautiously watched.
One morning, Lilith was sitting there watching me dry my hair from about 10 feet away, when she tentatively started to inch her way closer. Just a step, then sat back down. One more step, and sat down again. She didn't reach the dryer by the time I finished, but I noticed.
The next morning, the same thing. Lilith sat and watched, and inched forward ever so slowly. She got closer than last time, but still no touching.
This went on for awhile, until one day, Lilith got to the cord on the hair dryer. She slowly stuck out one little grey paw, and softy touched the cord of the hair dryer. The minute her paw made contact, she jumped back, terrified. It was a hilarious sight, but she was determined. She went up to the cord again, and reached out her little paw. Again, the moment contact was made, she jumped back.
I think you know where I am going with this story. Finally, about a week after Lilith mustered up the courage to tackle her fear of the hair dryer, she was able to touch the cord without jumping. I was so proud of her.
Yes, she is a cat. Lilith probably doesn't have much concept of rational thinking. However, Lilith saw something she was afraid of, and tentatively took small steps to overcome those fears. Now, whenever I pull out my hair dryer, she is still a bit wary, but doesn't flinch and instead, comes over and tries to play. And for that, I am so very proud of her.
This story makes me think that life is full of "hair dryers." I have a lot of hair dryers, or fears and obstacles that I need to face. I thought about this story because in roller derby, I am having a lot of trouble getting my turn around toe stops. I have been working on these for a very long time, and even go to open skate and just turn around throughout the arena, trying to get comfortable with my turn arounds. I'm currently at the point where I can turn around, pretty ok, as long as I am not too fast or not thinking too much. Obviously this is my fear getting in the way of me being able to do a move in derby that I really need to master. I'm afraid of falling down. Just like when I first started derby, I was so afraid to fall. When you start playing derby, they teach you the "right" way to fall, and so you are forced to do all kinds of knee falls and such. I had such a fear of hurting myself by falling, I physically could not do it. I finally had to stand on my bed and fall, just to get the feeling of allowing myself to do something completely unnatural.
My turn arounds are the same thing. I have such a fear of falling and hurting myself, but I really have to get over it. My turn arounds right now are my hair dryer. They are super scary, but I need to be like Lilith and take small steps, slowly gaining my way into being comfortable with something that freaks me out.
There are other things in my life too that get me fearful. My life has gone through some tough changes lately, and the changes will only continue as I take the next step in my life. I have a job search coming up, and I have no clue where I am going to end up. I have a lot of hair dryers in my way right now. And it scares me a lot.
One thing I didn't mention in this story is that throughout Lilith's struggles with the hair dryer, Albus was by her side the entire time. Now, Albus has issues with change too; they freak him out. In fact, Albus was so stressed out by the change of Lilith coming to live with us, he got stress-related pancreatitis and had to have emergency surgery. He almost died. This is not to say that Albus doesn't adore Lilith; he does, he just has trouble dealing with change sometimes. But that being said, Albus
It's important to have supporters in your life as you conquer your fears. It's important to have someone that will help you celebrate the small victories, and the person that will hold you accountable for taking one more step along the way. I have always been an independent person, and I pride myself in keeping myself accountable. However, sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes you need that extra push. For my turn arounds, for example, if I didn't have an external source telling me I was getting better, I would probably not have the same drive to continue working on them. In my life changes, if I didn't have supporters telling me that my one small steps were big deals, I might not see it that way and get discouraged. I am very thankful for all of my "Albus's" out there, the ones that see my accomplishments for what they are.
I love my cats. I have always loved cats, and I will continue to be a huge cat lady for my life. It's funny how cats have given me so much in life, and are teaching me life lessons. This blog isn't necessarily about changing the world, and it's not necessarily about the injustice people face in society, which are typically the subjects of my blogs. But this blog talks about the personal fears within each of us. I know I'm not the only one with a hair dryer. I know I am not the only one reading this that has some fears they want to conquer. My take away for you in this blog is to reflect on your own personal hair dryer. What is it that you are fearful of?
Acknowledge your own personal hair dryer, and then take one step at a time to overcome that fear. That's all I am asking you. To take one small step each day to overcome those fears you have. It's a journey of personal growth, and I am going to take it right along with you. And hopefully, soon, we all will be comfortable playing with the hair dryer cord.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
"Man Up, Albany."
I was driving to practice the other day, and all of a sudden, I almost got into a car accident. Not because of anything other than the fact that I was so shocked by a billboard I saw, I almost slammed on my brakes on the highway. And the great thing is, in my 7 minute round trip drive to the roller rink, there are 3 of the same billboards.
What gets me all shocked and bothered? The new Miller Light advertisements. If you haven't seen it, it is a picture of the beer and the Miller Light logo, with the phrase "Man Up Albany." Because nothing says being a man more like drinking Miller Light, or so the advertisement wants you to think.
Let's look at just the purpose of the reasoning behind the advertisement. You can argue with me on this one, because I am just assuming. But in the past, it generally has not been socially acceptable for men to drink "light" beer. It typically is a "woman's" drink, because women are the ones that are calorie conscious and watch their figure. So by Miller saying to "Man Up," it means, be the ultimate man and drink the light beer. Because real men drink light beer. That's the main point of this advertisement, correct?
So..... I'm confused. Why is it only women that drink light beer? The fact that this is a social norm is amazing to me. Only women diet? Only women watch their weight? Only women like light tasting beer? Nay, my friends, nay. This way of thinking perpetuates the myth that all women have are their looks, and men have the brains and muscles. Seriously, this is one small example of how something so tiny like advertising gets into people's heads and mindsets and creates this terrible objectification and inequality. It's terrible, and it's really frustrating to me.
And let's not mention the phrase "man up." Seriously? Who in the hell created this phrase, or thought it would be a positive thing to start saying? I want to go and hip check them. Hard. Repeatedly. What does it even mean to "man up?" Does it mean to act like a real man? What does a real man act like? I guess my point in this is that there shouldn't be actual characteristics on what a real man is like. A real man should be whatever they want to be. Again, this perpetuates the stereotypes that are so present in society, and it just makes me angry.
I guess my whole point and issue is that gender stereotypes are so ingrained in society, they fit into the smallest of things, and people don't realize it. People don't understand the implications of gender stereotypes and this type of language.
What if someone doesn't fit a gender stereotype? What if there is someone that is biologically male, but likes show tunes? What if this biological male wants to drink pina coladas and not beer, light or otherwise? Society is telling him this is "wrong," that this is not what a man is. But he is a man. Think of the damage, the brainwashing, the trouble that could happen because even the most subtle of messages is drowning in gender stereotypes. It's terrifying to me.
I refuse to buy Miller products. In fact, in doing a bit of research, I have realized that Miller is bottled by the Coors Brewing Company. Because of that, I will not be purchasing Miller or Coors beer products in the future. I encourage you to do the same if you are not happy with the advertisements.
Additionally, this is interesting. On the MillerCoors website, they have a code of conduct and also a message on how they would love to work with women and minority suppliers.... interesting. I think it's a good thing that the company says they are striving for equality in business. Yet their advertising says something completely and totally different.
Maybe people don't understand or realize the scope of their impact. But as my friend Spiderman says, "with great power comes great responsibility." It's huge to be powerful enough to buy billboards and advertise your product. But with that comes the responsibility of being held accountable for your actions and working to make this world a better place. I feel that the MillerCoors company is not doing that, and for that, I refuse to do business with them.
And as always, the ones who will always boycott beer in general because it is terrible for their health:
What gets me all shocked and bothered? The new Miller Light advertisements. If you haven't seen it, it is a picture of the beer and the Miller Light logo, with the phrase "Man Up Albany." Because nothing says being a man more like drinking Miller Light, or so the advertisement wants you to think.
Let's look at just the purpose of the reasoning behind the advertisement. You can argue with me on this one, because I am just assuming. But in the past, it generally has not been socially acceptable for men to drink "light" beer. It typically is a "woman's" drink, because women are the ones that are calorie conscious and watch their figure. So by Miller saying to "Man Up," it means, be the ultimate man and drink the light beer. Because real men drink light beer. That's the main point of this advertisement, correct?
So..... I'm confused. Why is it only women that drink light beer? The fact that this is a social norm is amazing to me. Only women diet? Only women watch their weight? Only women like light tasting beer? Nay, my friends, nay. This way of thinking perpetuates the myth that all women have are their looks, and men have the brains and muscles. Seriously, this is one small example of how something so tiny like advertising gets into people's heads and mindsets and creates this terrible objectification and inequality. It's terrible, and it's really frustrating to me.
And let's not mention the phrase "man up." Seriously? Who in the hell created this phrase, or thought it would be a positive thing to start saying? I want to go and hip check them. Hard. Repeatedly. What does it even mean to "man up?" Does it mean to act like a real man? What does a real man act like? I guess my point in this is that there shouldn't be actual characteristics on what a real man is like. A real man should be whatever they want to be. Again, this perpetuates the stereotypes that are so present in society, and it just makes me angry.
I guess my whole point and issue is that gender stereotypes are so ingrained in society, they fit into the smallest of things, and people don't realize it. People don't understand the implications of gender stereotypes and this type of language.
What if someone doesn't fit a gender stereotype? What if there is someone that is biologically male, but likes show tunes? What if this biological male wants to drink pina coladas and not beer, light or otherwise? Society is telling him this is "wrong," that this is not what a man is. But he is a man. Think of the damage, the brainwashing, the trouble that could happen because even the most subtle of messages is drowning in gender stereotypes. It's terrifying to me.
I refuse to buy Miller products. In fact, in doing a bit of research, I have realized that Miller is bottled by the Coors Brewing Company. Because of that, I will not be purchasing Miller or Coors beer products in the future. I encourage you to do the same if you are not happy with the advertisements.
Additionally, this is interesting. On the MillerCoors website, they have a code of conduct and also a message on how they would love to work with women and minority suppliers.... interesting. I think it's a good thing that the company says they are striving for equality in business. Yet their advertising says something completely and totally different.
Maybe people don't understand or realize the scope of their impact. But as my friend Spiderman says, "with great power comes great responsibility." It's huge to be powerful enough to buy billboards and advertise your product. But with that comes the responsibility of being held accountable for your actions and working to make this world a better place. I feel that the MillerCoors company is not doing that, and for that, I refuse to do business with them.
And as always, the ones who will always boycott beer in general because it is terrible for their health:
Monday, October 10, 2011
Feminism and Roller Derby
One thing that you all should know about me is that I play roller derby. I love roller derby. I strive for roller derby. On nights that I don't have practice, I sort of cry a little inside. Roller derby is awesome.
I started getting interested in roller derby when it was thrust into the mainstream a few years ago with the movie "Whip It." While I had heard of roller derby before, I always assumed derby was something for the strongest people in the world. However, the movie "Whip It" showed Ellen Page being a timid, not knowing her place in the world individual who was basically transformed by the sport. And I was looking for something like that.
I started playing roller derby to be empowered. Be empowered in my femininity, and also to be empowered as an individual. I had never considered myself strong. I have never considered myself someone that was sporty. I have never considered myself to be someone that could hit people and be strategic about moves, all while being on 8 wheels.
I am. I will be the first to admit that I suck at roller derby. I have been playing now for a bit over a year, and although I love it and will make every practice I can, I know I am not a natural athlete, and I know that I will never be a good player. But I appreciate my team for putting up with me, and I appreciate everyone who helps me at least not look like a fool out on the track.
When I joined derby, I had these grand thoughts of how it was going to be a lot of fun and change my life forever. And... I was right. Derby has done more than make my thigh muscles strong. Derby has really made me feel good about myself. Every day I put on my skates and pads, I am proud of how I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and done something that I couldn't ever think I could.
I do think however, there are some common misconceptions about derby. Especially women's derby. One of those things is that it is not a feminist thing, and instead, is a way to flaunt sexuality. Here's the thing. I am NOT speaking for every derby girl out there. I am only speaking for me. For me, roller derby is not sexy, it's not a way to show off your body, it's not anything like that. Roller derby is hard work, sweat, and power. It has nothing to do with flaunting sexuality. Yes, sometimes the outfits (or "bout-fits") we wear can be revealing. Yes, some people choose to show a lot more skin playing derby than they do in their real lives. But it is sort of a necessity. You sweat. A lot. You move. A lot. You need tighter fitting clothes because it makes it a sport. You need clothing that you can move in, and you need light-weight, breathable clothing because otherwise you may sweat to death.
In addition, I think it's really empowering how judgment free derby can be. The community at large is just there for a good time. It doesn't matter what size you are and it doesn't matter how old you are, or how much cellulite you have on your thighs. Derby is about embracing yourself and your differences. Derby is about a community of people who may not fit into the mainstream, or maybe they do fit into the mainstream, but we all belong in the derby community, regardless of where we fit in our social group. It's where you can wear basically anything you want without judgment, because nobody truly cares. You are who you are, and you do what you do. It's a great feeling to finally belong to a place where you can be yourself without fearing judgment or harsh words.
There may be some individuals out there who watch derby for the "hot girls in tiny outfits" sensation. There may be some players who play into that concept. But seriously, they don't really know or understand derby then. Because that is not why we dress the way we do, and that is not what derby is about. If you want to really know what derby is all about, come to a bout. Come watch, and you'll see just how unfair that statement really is.
There is another misconception that derby is showing the wrong idea, like violence against women. Yes, we do hit into one another in derby, hip check each other, and occasionally do more than that (although it probably will be a penalty then!). Yes, it is a violent sport. But no more violent than wrestling or football or rugby, but I don't hear the same complaints about those sports. I honestly think the reason some people are upset about derby is because the people on the track are female. I don't hear any complaints about that in men's derby. Because in society, men are the ones that are supposed to be "violent." Men are the ones that are supposed to be "tough." But because women are violent and tough on the track, it goes against those social roles and causes people to be upset about it. That's not right. That is a complete double standard, and buys into the social gender roles, which perpetuates the degradation of women. Why can't women be strong and powerful too?
Feminism, to me, is the concept that women are full individuals and humans. Feminism means not looking at women as objects, and valuing women as actual people, capable of doing anything anyone else can. I consider myself a "humanist," based on what my beliefs on sex and gender are, but feminism is still the buzz word that gets people's attention. I think roller derby is the epitome of feminism and humanism. It equalizes people, allows women to fully show their capabilities, and that is powerful. Maybe the way women's derby is portrayed or publicized needs to be changed, maybe it's not that apparent in just viewing the sport. Maybe we need to think about not sensationalizing the sport so much. But I honestly feel the sensationalization is solely in the media content, which again, is a problem, but it's not the actual point of derby. Playing it, I am the most alive that I have ever been. I feel free to be myself in every aspect of who I am. I feel strong, I feel empowered, and I feel like there are no constraints to who I am. I feel like I can do anything I want to do, and I am my own hero. I feel like a fully functioning human being, and to me, that is what feminism is about. I leave derby practice ready to take over the world, with the confidence to do anything I want and to be anything I want to be. If that is not a feminist concept, then please tell me what is.
Roller derby has changed my life. It has made me more confident, stronger, more comfortable with myself. I have done things I never believed I could. I have met some of the most amazing people I have ever known, and I feel like I belong. I have found my niche in life. I am not sure about many things in life, but I am sure of one thing: that I will forever be involved in derby for as long as I live. I want to be the 95 year old woman, still dragging my lawn chair to a derby bout. Because once I got into the community, I never want to leave. And if you don't believe me about how roller derby is a feminist sport, let's talk. Let's go skate around, and see how you feel after our rolling conversation.
Another great thing about derby is that there are a lot of cat people in the community. So here's a picture of my other great love in life, my cat:
I started getting interested in roller derby when it was thrust into the mainstream a few years ago with the movie "Whip It." While I had heard of roller derby before, I always assumed derby was something for the strongest people in the world. However, the movie "Whip It" showed Ellen Page being a timid, not knowing her place in the world individual who was basically transformed by the sport. And I was looking for something like that.
I started playing roller derby to be empowered. Be empowered in my femininity, and also to be empowered as an individual. I had never considered myself strong. I have never considered myself someone that was sporty. I have never considered myself to be someone that could hit people and be strategic about moves, all while being on 8 wheels.
I am. I will be the first to admit that I suck at roller derby. I have been playing now for a bit over a year, and although I love it and will make every practice I can, I know I am not a natural athlete, and I know that I will never be a good player. But I appreciate my team for putting up with me, and I appreciate everyone who helps me at least not look like a fool out on the track.
When I joined derby, I had these grand thoughts of how it was going to be a lot of fun and change my life forever. And... I was right. Derby has done more than make my thigh muscles strong. Derby has really made me feel good about myself. Every day I put on my skates and pads, I am proud of how I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and done something that I couldn't ever think I could.
I do think however, there are some common misconceptions about derby. Especially women's derby. One of those things is that it is not a feminist thing, and instead, is a way to flaunt sexuality. Here's the thing. I am NOT speaking for every derby girl out there. I am only speaking for me. For me, roller derby is not sexy, it's not a way to show off your body, it's not anything like that. Roller derby is hard work, sweat, and power. It has nothing to do with flaunting sexuality. Yes, sometimes the outfits (or "bout-fits") we wear can be revealing. Yes, some people choose to show a lot more skin playing derby than they do in their real lives. But it is sort of a necessity. You sweat. A lot. You move. A lot. You need tighter fitting clothes because it makes it a sport. You need clothing that you can move in, and you need light-weight, breathable clothing because otherwise you may sweat to death.
In addition, I think it's really empowering how judgment free derby can be. The community at large is just there for a good time. It doesn't matter what size you are and it doesn't matter how old you are, or how much cellulite you have on your thighs. Derby is about embracing yourself and your differences. Derby is about a community of people who may not fit into the mainstream, or maybe they do fit into the mainstream, but we all belong in the derby community, regardless of where we fit in our social group. It's where you can wear basically anything you want without judgment, because nobody truly cares. You are who you are, and you do what you do. It's a great feeling to finally belong to a place where you can be yourself without fearing judgment or harsh words.
There may be some individuals out there who watch derby for the "hot girls in tiny outfits" sensation. There may be some players who play into that concept. But seriously, they don't really know or understand derby then. Because that is not why we dress the way we do, and that is not what derby is about. If you want to really know what derby is all about, come to a bout. Come watch, and you'll see just how unfair that statement really is.
There is another misconception that derby is showing the wrong idea, like violence against women. Yes, we do hit into one another in derby, hip check each other, and occasionally do more than that (although it probably will be a penalty then!). Yes, it is a violent sport. But no more violent than wrestling or football or rugby, but I don't hear the same complaints about those sports. I honestly think the reason some people are upset about derby is because the people on the track are female. I don't hear any complaints about that in men's derby. Because in society, men are the ones that are supposed to be "violent." Men are the ones that are supposed to be "tough." But because women are violent and tough on the track, it goes against those social roles and causes people to be upset about it. That's not right. That is a complete double standard, and buys into the social gender roles, which perpetuates the degradation of women. Why can't women be strong and powerful too?
Feminism, to me, is the concept that women are full individuals and humans. Feminism means not looking at women as objects, and valuing women as actual people, capable of doing anything anyone else can. I consider myself a "humanist," based on what my beliefs on sex and gender are, but feminism is still the buzz word that gets people's attention. I think roller derby is the epitome of feminism and humanism. It equalizes people, allows women to fully show their capabilities, and that is powerful. Maybe the way women's derby is portrayed or publicized needs to be changed, maybe it's not that apparent in just viewing the sport. Maybe we need to think about not sensationalizing the sport so much. But I honestly feel the sensationalization is solely in the media content, which again, is a problem, but it's not the actual point of derby. Playing it, I am the most alive that I have ever been. I feel free to be myself in every aspect of who I am. I feel strong, I feel empowered, and I feel like there are no constraints to who I am. I feel like I can do anything I want to do, and I am my own hero. I feel like a fully functioning human being, and to me, that is what feminism is about. I leave derby practice ready to take over the world, with the confidence to do anything I want and to be anything I want to be. If that is not a feminist concept, then please tell me what is.
Roller derby has changed my life. It has made me more confident, stronger, more comfortable with myself. I have done things I never believed I could. I have met some of the most amazing people I have ever known, and I feel like I belong. I have found my niche in life. I am not sure about many things in life, but I am sure of one thing: that I will forever be involved in derby for as long as I live. I want to be the 95 year old woman, still dragging my lawn chair to a derby bout. Because once I got into the community, I never want to leave. And if you don't believe me about how roller derby is a feminist sport, let's talk. Let's go skate around, and see how you feel after our rolling conversation.
Another great thing about derby is that there are a lot of cat people in the community. So here's a picture of my other great love in life, my cat:
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